On Finding What You're Searching For

"It's not about getting up every morning and getting a workout in. It's about getting up every morning and searching for your soul"

I wrote that quote. Yep. I absolutely just quoted myself. I wrote that quote years ago, when I write most of my own things, in my head, during a run. Everything intelligent or inspiring that I've ever thought, or probably ever will think has happened during a run. Almost four years after thinking that in my head during a sunrise run, I feel like I've finally run enough miles so that that soul search that I was on, has finally come to an end.

I definitely believe that it takes a long time to completely understand yourself, who you are, and who you're going to be. But it occurred to me that that particular part that I had been looking for, at that particular moment has finally been "found".

When I wrote that quote I was training to make nationals. I placed my identity in being faster than everyone else. In running. Mostly in success. And running is what I was successful in. If you've read this blog long enough you know. If it's your first time reading, I'm here to tell you that in the past I lived a very unbalanced and unhappy life back then. And it eventually destroyed me. I thought that being better, being faster, that was what I would find at the end of my search. But it wasn't.

My search for my soul was far from over when I wrote that. As it turns out, I wasn't even searching for the right thing, even though I was in the right place. I still found what I was looking for,  just later, and not in the way that I expected.

I don't know exactly when I found it, but I know it wasn't at NCAA National Cross Country Championships. It was somewhere at the bottom of a lap pool that I stared at the entire time my foot was broken and I couldn't run. It was somewhere along the lonely dark miles I've run since graduating from college. It was somewhere during a night run where the moon was so bright and the air so cold, that I felt the peace finally…to stop running.

My point is this my friends: I thought that running was where I would find my salvation, but running was just the channel that I found it through. I found peace once I stopped running away from things and when I started running toward things. I was placing my value in what other people thought of me, and not what I thought of myself. Other people saw me as fast, and skinny, and talented and that's what I wanted. I didn't consider, however, how I saw myself, and what value how you see yourself has.

Once I got injured and stopped running, I realized that the only way to stop the path of destruction that I was on was to stop measuring my worth through other people and to start measuring it through my own standards. Standards that I had, at that point, yet to create. You know where I was at. If you don't read through any of my posts from 2011. But here is where I came to be:

My proudest race ever is not nationals. It's not my 6kPR of 21:49 that I set at regionals. It's not either of the times that I won conference or any other race I've ever won. My proudest race happened only a little over a week ago when, after not racing for over a year I signed up for a 5k and I finished it. It wasn't my best race or my best time. I didn't win, I was second. But I got myself out of bed that morning and ran a race, in front of other people, even though I may never be as fast as I once was. But you know what? That race took a lot more determination than I thought I had, and that truly taught me about being strong. My proudest moments in running now, my new set of bragging rights, are in my training runs. Sometimes after a 13 hour workday, I hop on the treadmill at 9pm and I still bust out 6 miles of a temp workout. Or after those long days I'll take to the streets running mile repeats under the moon on a parkway I have all to myself. On Sundays I run about 20 miles, and those last 3 miles are some of the hardest for me, but I still make it. And sometimes, I take pride in having the strength to give up a workout for the sake of spending time with family, or on my schoolwork. And finally I have my peace.

On your own search, just remember that sometimes you end up where you didn't expect, and that turns out to be better….in the long run :)

On Letting Your Soul Breathe

"This is going to be hard. Life is going to be hard. You have to remember to always leave room for your soul to breathe"

It's been a long time since I was a serious blogger. I felt the urge to start a new blog the other day. Started new blog. Deleted it. I've probably started and deleted like five different blogs since my last blog post on here. And yet, I can't do it. Nothing I create seems to be home like this blog is. And so, I'm here to start fresh on an old blog.

I'm back to blogging here because it feels like my only thing that I have thats all mine, that allows me to be me and no one else. Right now I just feel so lost in all of the different areas of my life. I keep looking around and not recognizing anything from from where I'm standing right now.

Since the last time I blogged (on a weekly basis) I feel like I've become a different person. When I think of myself I no longer see the happy, carefree, running hippie that I used to. I feel…old. Older. Bogged down. Between my homework and my responsibilities I feel like I'm carrying around an extra 100 pounds. When I'm talking to people, regardless of their age, I feel older than they are, like I've lived an extra 10 years.

I work a lot, but everybody works a lot. My days are somewhere between 8.5 and 13 hours long. Whenever I complain about this I feel like a giant tool because I'm the one who signed up for graduate school, I realized it would mean days like this, stress like this, sleep loss like this. I realize I should shut the hell up and stop complaining because some people work way more than I do. Some people have way more stress than I do. But still, the feeling of falling down a giant slippery hole remains. I feel like I'm always behind, always late, always…not good enough.

Not that I have more to do than most people, because I don't. But for me right here, right now, it's too much. I don't have enough time for my soul to breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating.

Every day I see very sad people who dump all of their sadness on me. There's the woman who can't stop using cocaine, there's the kid who wants to see what it would feel like to kill someone, the little girl who wants to stab her mother, the teenager who spends every time she sees me in tears. I love these people, each of them. And I love my job. But what's missing is between the therapy-class-homework-nannying-cleaning-planning is that there's just no room left in my life for…..well me.

What I need, who I've lost, was that fun-loving crazy happy girl. There's just not room for her anywhere. I have to get up every day and wear black dress pants and a conservative top. I had to say goodbye to that free spirit that I loved so much. What I need is to run wild in the woods for hours, to spend time on the beach, to read for pleasure, to wear clothes that I actually feel like represent me.

I think it's important in the midst of chaos, whatever yours happens to be, to make that room to let your soul be able to breathe. I'll be working on finding that myself.

I'm Baaack!

"She's a runner, a rebel, and a stunner" -Red Hot Chili Peppers


It really, really, has been too long. In fact, my dearest readers, it has been so long that I almost feel a need to reintroduce myself. My life has changed so much since my last post that you may not even recognize me, or remember me for that matter.

I considered starting a new blog, because, my life isn't only about running anymore. What then am I to do with a blog about a life about running? But I couldn't give up my site, I couldn't change something that I've grown so much attached to. So we'll continue our journey here on learning how to fly.

But please, allow me to unveil my new, and (I'd like to think) improved life.

On Running: I still run quite a bit. Don't get me wrong friends. In fact, I run more. But the thing is, running isn't the main focus of my life anymore. I'd like it to be of some focus, of course, but, you see my life is so taken up by so many other things that I don't seem to have the time, nor the concentration to put my whole focus toward running. When I have too busy of a day I take a day off. If I'm not feeling good, I take a day off. If I'm spending the day with my lovely significant other, I take a day off. If I don't want to run...sometimes I take a day off. imagine, that here I may speak of it more than in everyday life, but I've learned that there are far, far more important things than my career as an almost-but-not-quite spectacular athlete.  What kinds of things could possibly be ore important you may be asking?

On Love: I'm planning a wedding. When you're planning a wedding the things you tend to not have time for includes, but is not limited to: sleeping, breathing (dresses are tight!), cooking, working out, school. It creates animosity between you and your mother, you and your fiancé, you and your father...you and everyone basically. Planning a wedding, as the bride, is stressful. It just is.
That said, One month and two days from today I am marrying the best friend I have ever had, and thinking about that reminds me that I have nothing to be stressed out about.

On being a Therapist: The free time that I do have, between being a fiancee, and a runner, goes to being a therapist as well as a student. I'm in my second of five years of graduate school. Those five years will add up to me being a doctor of psychology.
In the mean time I'll be doing lots of odd jobs as a therapist.
1. I work with drug addiction. Like for real drug addiction. Most of my patients are cocaine or meth addicts, or very heavy alcoholics. All of them are in a rehab facility. They are amongst the strongest, bravest, most amazing individuals that I have ever met.
2. I also do intensive therapy with severe autism. These individuals are also amongst the most amazing that I have ever met.
Even though it can be hard, being a psychologist is therefore the most amazing job that you can have. Expect me not to talk anymore about my patients. Expect me to complain a lot more about all of the homework I have to do.

And no, sports psychologist is not even a question. I am absolutely sure that it is not psychologically healthy for you job and your hobby to be one and the same. That, and there's no way that i could pry myself away from my wonderful autistic kiddos.

On Life: I'm not a vegetarian anymore. Snowy owls are still my favorite animal. I still feel like I'm on my own personal journey to learn how to fly.

#PrayForBoston

"How much better would the world be if each of us fell asleep at night dreaming of how to make it a better place?"



How could you do something so evil, something so horrendous as to blow off a runner's legs? My heart has been broken for these runners, these hurt people, all of Boston ever since Monday.

I suppose I tend to be a bit naive, not understanding why people can be truly evil. As a person, and as a psychologist, I typically believe that there is some good in everyone. I find it hard to comprehend that there could be people that are just plain evil.

These people, who set off bombs at what is holy ground to runners, swayed that belief system a bit. However, judging by their actions I don't believe that they knew what they were doing. The bombs went off at a time when there wouldn't be a lot of individuals crossing the line, they also didn't go off when the elite athletes finished. Either these bombers didn't do their research well or their disorganization shows that this is a first time thing for them. I do not believe that this bombing was the product of an organized group, it seems to me that these were just some people trying to make a point about something. A point, that they didn't even get across.It saddens me greatly that they chose a marathon of all things.

 Because running...running is peaceful. Running doesn't create wars it brings people together. Running is what cures hate not creates it. Whoever those bombs off isn't a runner, because he or she clearly doesn't understand.

 Keep praying friends, and keep running. 

Confessions of an All-Night Runner

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky"

Confession #1 I want to be an ultra marathoner. From when I was a freshman in high school and I read Dean Karnanez' book "Ultra Marathon Man" to the first (of many) times I read "Born To Run" I've always always wanted to run an ultra.

But there was a time...a loooooong time during which I gave up that dream or any thoughts thereof. That was the time of osteopenia and stress fractures and being too unhealthy to make it through 10 miles much less 100. I gave up on that dream in the midst of a period of my life during which I gave up on myself too. It's been an entire year, where I've gone from zero, nada, absolutely no running, to a 75 mile week in preparation for my marathon. (Something ELSE I almost gave up on) And so, during this landmark week I got to thinking: maybe, maybe ultras really are something that are in the cards for me.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I run at midnight a lot, I was tired, and dehydrated, and probably could have used a Gu (or 5) so it could have been the tiredness or the hunger talking, but it's a thought that I just can't get out of my head. It's the one thing I've wanted to do the longest, the one dream that I just can't seem to get over. Sometimes what gets me through those long miles is thinking about even longer miles someday.

This brings us to the second half of this confession. I will probably never do an Ironman. I realize it's something that I talked about for over a year, I realize I work at a bike shop, I realize that thinking about Ironmans (Ironmen?) was the one thing that got me through that stress fracture, got me through one of the hardest times in my life. And that's O.K. because right then and there, that's what I needed and that's why it was put into my life. But like I said, it's ultra marathons that I keep coming back to. Because running an ultra isnt about training or competition. Instead, it's about 100 miles of thankfulness and being able to shout at mile 99.9 "I made it!" ...Literally, and figuratively.

Confession #2 Somewhere between the 50 mile weeks and the 75 mile weeks I found that listening to classical music makes me run prettier. My stride is better, my foot strike faster. I'm not sure what it is, but something about Beethoven's 5th makes those hard miles in the middle a little faster. Additionally, when a really good song does come on and I can't help myself, I sometimes stop in the middle of my run and have a little solo dance party. You know, just because.

Confession #3 I start out every run swearing up and down to myself that I'm 'only' going to run 8 miles. If I shoot out the door with the idea in mind that I have  to do 10 or 15 or 17 it's just not as fun. Because, as I realized a long time ago, having to run destroys all of the fun of it. So I have to run 56 (8 miles a day, 7 days a week) miles per week. Everything else, is just for the hell of it.

Confession #4 I still fear stress fractures. For most of my life things like failure and spiders ranked high on my list of things I'm afraid of. These days, absolutely nothing is more scary to me than another stress fracture. No amount of running, no race, no speed workout is worth running the risk of another injury like that. Call it emotional scarring if you absolutely must, but every time something hurts, every time I feel a twinge in my hip, a shin splint, a tight tendon in my foot, I automatically fear another stress fracture. I spend the next 3-5 days babying said "injury" until it goes away and I realize it's not a stress fracture. I will probably never stop being afraid of being inured, because now that I've found that love to run again, I can't imagine getting through a day without it.

Confession #5 I say a prayer of thanks after every run. Because though it's been a very long, very bumpy road for me, this...right here and now...was worth every step I ever took on crutches, every day I ever had to aqua jog, every second I ever doubted that I'd run fast again.

Midnight Runs, Vanishing Easter Candy, and Other Tales of a High Mileage Week.

"I go for walks [Runs] late at night to stare at the moon, and sometimes to cry to it about my hurts and worries, so that it's light may somehow heal my soul."


So I promise, of course, that I'm done with all of that posting about grad school. Back to running!

This week I conquered new weekly mileage PR at 65.5 miles....mostly long runs with a side of intervals sprinkled in. IN FACT, though you may or may not believe it I'm not even tired, my muscles aren't even sore which is surprising to be sure. The tiredness speaks more to how little I sleep as opposed to how much I run.

It was midterms week in graduate school land (as you all know-refer to my crazy last post) so not only did I run a lot, but in fact I ran at a lot of odd times. For instance, on Thursday I had a 3 hour midterm at night, I had to study in the morning and work all day. Instead of running that day, I went went at 12:01-1:00AM the night before. That was the first midnight run. And it was so great that I did it again. Running at midnight is convenient, and frees up the days in which you would otherwise have to run twice. There's something about midnight runs thats calming, spiritual even. The whole world is asleep except for you. It's like you have the whole place to yourself.

There is absolutely a time where I would have thought going running at midnight was absolutely ludicrous, but now that I've tried it I almost wish that I could do at least half my runs at midnight. As I'm on spring break this week I had at first thought that I wouldn't have to do midnight runs, now I'm thinking it's going to free me up for all midnight runs. I know that maybe it sounds scary, but please grab yourself a can of pepper spray and stare at the moon for 8 miles. Your soul will thank you.

Additionally, during mileage bump weeks all of your food will disappear! As you may or may not know (depending how new you are to this blog) I am the poster child of overtly healthy eating. I've been known to consider lettuce a full meal, an orange good enough for dinner (Absolutely NOT what I'd recommend for nutrition. More on this at a later date.) But this week, this week, I craved everything from oreos to eggs to lettuce and back again to chocolate. I bought a lot of Easter candy for my graduate school class to munch on during a 2-hour presentation I had. Those poor little chocolate bunnies never stood a chance against my 2-a-day runs, my tummy rumbling at 1am after I finished the afore mentioned midnight runs. Gone was my Easter candy, my cheese, and obviously...peanut butter. An embarrassingly large amount of peanut butter if you will.

While running at an area indoor track during the colder, crappier days of this week I received quite a few odd pick-up lines (because, uhh who WOULDN'T want to hit on the sweaty girl running 10 miles in circles?) (note sarcasm). The worst of which included "So, I see you run a lot" the best of which included "It's like your eyes just said 'chase me'". ( I had no idea my eyes were so competitive.) It's always baffled me why men seem to find running attractive. If we're being honest here, I am NOT attractive when I run. Especially when I run and spit at the same time.

I've also been doing a lot of yoga  in order to try to compensate for all of this running. Because, even though I feel good now...a month from now 70 miles a week may get a bit rough if I don't start stretching. My favorite yoga workouts includes doing hip-openers at 4am. It is absolutely my advice that ALL runners do hip openers. Between yoga and foam rolling I'm  positive that all running injuries can be prevented.

One last thing. As you may or not know, I broke my foot some time ago....my heel bone to be exact. So since starting to run again I've gone from being a classic, chronic heel-striker to an almost-but-not-quite perfect mid-foot strike. And so all miles since the end of this past summer have been in minimalist shoes. (a.k.a. barefoot shoes) I just moved into a complete zero-drop and am working into being in them for at least 30% of the weeks running. Another thing that I've been working on during all of these long miles.

It was a strange week for sure, but a successful one...and quite some time since I was this happy. Happiness credit to both endorphins and Easter candy.

Happy Trails everyone! :)

Greener on the Other Side-The World of Post-Collegiate Training

"Oftentimes it is in the winds of change that we find our true direction" 

A very good friend of mine reminded me that once upon a time I used to blog about my training for all the world to see. And it's true, I gave up on this when I started graduate school and gave up on my life as a runner. But after a very long and wonderful chat with that friend, who is going through some running-related difficulties herself, I decided to give my little blog another shot and update the world on what it's like to be a runner when there is no more nationals, no more fans, no more press coverage. Instead, it becomes about you and graduate school and work and some running. There's no more stadiums for Kansas Relays, there's no more conference races or teammates to run with. No more coaches pushing you in workouts, no more free gym access, and no more recognition for being a college athlete.

But what there is is this: complete freedom. No longer does anyone tell me when or where or how far or how fast to run. Instead, training is just between me and my legs and what they can or cannot do on a certain day.

For so long I couldn't see a world beyond that of collegiate running and racing and training. I didn't understand that in the world of running there is so. much. more. out there. Races where you get paid if you win, people who aren't out to win the olympics but are just trying to defeat heart disease or cancer or AIDS. The title of "runner" isn't reserved for the few that can run 6 minute pace for a 10k or run over 50 miles per week. There's so much more out there, and so many runners who are so much more amazing than I can ever  hope to be.

But the point is this: what it comes down to is running for yourself, defeating your own demons (whatever they may be) and mayyyybe the competition too along the way. For me, instead of this demanding, stressful burden upon my shoulders races have become a privilege to run, and each run a gift.

I thought the other side of competition would be a bleak place, but what I've learned is that it's in fact better. I was devastated when my foot broke during regionals that last race. I know on here I wrote about ironman races and swimming and hope and strength, but my spirit along with my foot was shattered.

In truth though that injury was the best thing that could have happened to me. Forcing me to see my world without running woke me up and showed me that winning races wasn't the be all end all. Running became more spiritual and less of a task. And suddenly a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. In training runs and in workouts I was hitting times I couldn't even touch while I was in college. I was running 40 miles a week and then 50 and now 60. Something that wouldn't have been possible only a few short years ago. And now I'm running a marathon in 2 months.

So friends, keep your heads up and your dreams alive. Sometimes you find that the grass on the other side really is greener