“For me it was always a simple passion" Lance Armstrong
Here I am again. Not running. *sigh*
It's a very very complicated situation to explain...but that's not what this post is about so I'll be brief. My right leg? Where I had IT band syndrome is still a little messed up. To tell you the truth that leg and I are fighting right now. I'm not even going to acknowledge it's existence until I get clearance from the doctor to run after my appointment on Tuesday. (after I hopefully get clearance that is-cross your fingers please!)
However, instead of wallowing in self-pity about not running I'm using this time to reflect on all of the reasons that I DO run. Sometimes, being a collegiate athlete includes a lot of pressure connected to running. There's something about the demand to perform week after week that drains me in a way that has nothing to do with my love of running but everything to do with my self-induced drive towards unattainable perfection. In short, knee pain aside, I needed a break anyways. As I found myself desperately praying for it to heal the other night (deja vu) I suddenly came to the realization that while this sucks, a little recovery might be the best for me right now. Physically, sure. My legs are tired. But mentally? Maybe running and I need a little time apart to remember why we love each other. Yes, this whole not running thing sucks. But I understand.
So in the silence found only in the bottom of a lap pool during a 65 minute swim here are some of the things that I've forgotten over the years.
1. Fate! I'm not good at other sports. I was too small for basketball, to short for volleyball, to much of a tomboy for ballet. My high school didn't have a soccer team. Clearly I was always meant to be a runner. Jokes aside...for some reason...I was always meant to be a runner.
2. Freedom.The tight circles we run around a track sometimes make me forget that running for me has always been about being free. There's something special about the knowledge that by my own power alone I can get 10 miles away from anything and no one can find me.
3. Meditation. I've worked through every problem I've ever had in life through running. When my first serious relationship fell apart I stopped and cried my eyes out at mile number 3. By the time I made it through my run I knew I would be able to make it through this too. When I fought with friends I ran. When I fought with my parents I ran. Three miles takes care of work stress. Five miles can take care of a bad grade. Seven miles takes care of relationship problems. Ten or more miles can solve almost everything else.
4. Drive. Running is a chance to become more than myself -to PR, to better my times,to become stronger, faster. Running pushes me to explore my boundaries and discover a lot about my inner strength, to chase down the impossible.
5. "And I think to myself what a wonderful world" I've never seen anything more beautiful than when I'm running. At mile 7 tiredness may set in, but that doesn't mean that when I turn a corner and find myself running into the sunrise that I don't notice, that I don't get shivers running down my spine. I've never felt more alive than the days that I'm running and all of a sudden the sky opens and rain pours out of it. I may be mud-streaked and look like a wet rat when I get back but hey, I'm happy. I've actually stopped running at times (this is usually a huge no-no for me) because I get to the top of a hill and I look around and I can't get over what I'm seeing.
6. Thanks. Each person is given several different gifts over the course of their lifetime. Some people get the gift of a brain that can solve equations, some people get the gift of music,--the ability to understand a beautiful, wordless language, some get the get the gift of writing etc...you get the idea. Mine happens to be endurance running. I had a personal trainer back in high school who explained it this way: (I was nervous about a workout and cranky because I didn't want to do it.) He looked at me and said "Running is a gift that has been given to you. How many people get a gift that they get to use every day? You should wake up every day and say to yourself 'Today is a good day, because today I get to use my gift'". Point taken. I've been thankful for that gift ever since.
7. Release. I have always had and will always have too much energy for my own good. I don't know where it comes from, but without running I cannot sleep. I cannot sit still. I can not focus. I can barely have a normal conversation. If I am to function acceptably in everyday society I must continue to run.
8. Identity. For too long have I identified myself as a runner. I'm introduced to people as "oh...this is Katie...she's the runner." I've met a lot of the best people in my life through running. I've always been that crazy runner girl who runs more miles in a day for fun than many people run in a month. When people picture me I like the idea that they think of me with my ponytail flying, running on a cross country course.
9. Joy. Running should be fun. That's why people lose their love of running, because all of a sudden its not fun. Running should be exciting. It should make people driving past look at you and think you're crazy for doing what you're doing. I've run in shorts in 3 feet of snow. I've gone on adventure runs where I end up having to cross streams. I've come home with mud all the way from my ankles to my hair. I've gone exploring. Sometimes I put on 80's music on my ipod and dress from my headband to my socks in neon. For me, it is about having fun.
10. All thats left--is that I really love to run.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Curiouser and Curiouser (Part 1)
The Mad Hatter"Have I gone mad?"
Alice: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are"
Alice: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are"
-Alice in Wonderland
When you're around psychology enough you sometimes begin to question your own mental stability. I can spit out the textbook definition for everything from schizophrenia to multiple personality disorder to bipolar, to pica (pica is where the person craves and eats non-edible items-like dirt and plastic) Let me tell you, once you read these symptoms day in and day out you begin to see them in yourself.
But what makes it a serious question of mental stability when you are evaluated by a mentally unstable person. Seriously. If a crazy person thinks you're crazy....it means you probably are. This means I probably am.
Patient #1
Me: (smiling): "Hello! are you here to see Dr. J***?"
Patient: (not smiling): "Who. Are. You????"
Me: (confused smile) "I'm Katie. Are you here for an apointment with--"
Patient: (cutting in-still not smiling back) "I don't know you. Who are you?
Me: "Um...I'm Katie...I work here"
Patient: "Are you sure? I've never seen you here before. Are you like a bookkeeper or something?"
*Side note: I've worked in the same office for 2 years now. He hasn't seen me before because he's new. I'm not. So now I'm wondering if maybe just giving in will be the response that he wants. Also I am NOT a bookkeeper. I am a psychologist-in-training! (intern). But he's close enough so:
Me: (more smiling): "Um sure. I'm Katie, I'm the bookkeeper, I do all of the paper work.
Patient (eyes widen): "I don't trust bookkeepers. I'm not talking to you. The Dr. will be with me shortly."
I'm supposed to get to be the one who says the Dr. will be with you shortly. This guy doesn't even trust me to say the one line that I get to say to patients.
So I go and get the Dr. tell him his patient is here and that he doesn't want to talk to me. The Dr. looks at me and starts laughing.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
If walls could talk....
6:00-Wake up-and go back to bed.
8:00 Actually get up.
Begin.
So it's raining of course. Because on the day that I have to move all of my belongings from Milwaukee to Fort Atkinson it WOULD rain. (this is how my life goes. please refer to previous posts). I guess I'm not surprised that it's raining, so it's not like it's a huge deal.
Before anything I decide to do my workout for the day-a 55 minute HCS (hard core swim) This means all freestyle stokes...all the time....and absolutely no stopping until the last 3 minutes where you cool down with kick boarding.
I'm not sure exactly what I was thinking when I went for a 55 minute HCS before I began packing up my life and moving it an hour south. Clearly I forgot the fact that now I will be exhausted before I even start the heavy lifting process. Good plan Katie, good plan.
So 2 days ago I carried a giant box into my bedroom. It was so big that it didn't actually fit through the doorway and I had to carry it in sideways. Fast forward 2 days. In that time I completely filled said box with every article of clothing that I possess, several pairs of shoes, and whatever odds and ends laying around my room that didn't already have a box of their own to belong to. What I forgot, and you probably have too by now is that the box only fits through my door sideways. Now after 2 days of filling the box is minimally twice my body weight. The chances of me picking it up and tilting it on it's side to fit back through my door? zero to none.
Spend the next 20 minutes trying to force box through doorway. Fail. Cry.( Ok....I didn't cry but I was pretty frustrated.) Plus in addition to the original problem (box doesn't fit through door) I now have made an additional problem for myself. (box is now stuck halfway through the door.) So I climb back and forth over the box a couple times and attempt to push and pull it the rest of the way. More failure.
Finally Tom, the senior in charge of my apartment building takes pity on me and my pathetic muscles and comes over and forces it the rest of the way through for me.
You would think that someone used to running for hours at a time would not be so exhausted by this box-moving. Sadly, to combination of the HCS and the lack of upper body strength has come together and I'm exhausted. I finish cleaning my now-empty apartment. So here I sit in the middle of the floor in an empty room. This year, this apartment, has brought so many changes for me. It's strange how now that it's empty I'm remembering it all. Here are just some of the things this apartment witnessed:
2:55pm Take a deep breath and look around empty apartment one last time.
3:00pm Journey back to Fort Atkinson.
3:55 pm Mentally prepare self to shove box into my parents house.
8:00 Actually get up.
Begin.
So it's raining of course. Because on the day that I have to move all of my belongings from Milwaukee to Fort Atkinson it WOULD rain. (this is how my life goes. please refer to previous posts). I guess I'm not surprised that it's raining, so it's not like it's a huge deal.
Before anything I decide to do my workout for the day-a 55 minute HCS (hard core swim) This means all freestyle stokes...all the time....and absolutely no stopping until the last 3 minutes where you cool down with kick boarding.
I'm not sure exactly what I was thinking when I went for a 55 minute HCS before I began packing up my life and moving it an hour south. Clearly I forgot the fact that now I will be exhausted before I even start the heavy lifting process. Good plan Katie, good plan.
So 2 days ago I carried a giant box into my bedroom. It was so big that it didn't actually fit through the doorway and I had to carry it in sideways. Fast forward 2 days. In that time I completely filled said box with every article of clothing that I possess, several pairs of shoes, and whatever odds and ends laying around my room that didn't already have a box of their own to belong to. What I forgot, and you probably have too by now is that the box only fits through my door sideways. Now after 2 days of filling the box is minimally twice my body weight. The chances of me picking it up and tilting it on it's side to fit back through my door? zero to none.
Spend the next 20 minutes trying to force box through doorway. Fail. Cry.( Ok....I didn't cry but I was pretty frustrated.) Plus in addition to the original problem (box doesn't fit through door) I now have made an additional problem for myself. (box is now stuck halfway through the door.) So I climb back and forth over the box a couple times and attempt to push and pull it the rest of the way. More failure.
Finally Tom, the senior in charge of my apartment building takes pity on me and my pathetic muscles and comes over and forces it the rest of the way through for me.
You would think that someone used to running for hours at a time would not be so exhausted by this box-moving. Sadly, to combination of the HCS and the lack of upper body strength has come together and I'm exhausted. I finish cleaning my now-empty apartment. So here I sit in the middle of the floor in an empty room. This year, this apartment, has brought so many changes for me. It's strange how now that it's empty I'm remembering it all. Here are just some of the things this apartment witnessed:
- Me failing. Many epic failures (everything from today's box moving to neuropsychology assignments)
- Me getting the highest GPA I've ever had
- Me laying on the floor sobbing because it seemed like the world was about to cave in on me
- Me jumping on my couch to "All Star" by Smashmouth in celebration of making it to NCAA nationals in cross country.
- Me swearing off boys forever and planning on becoming a crazy cat lady
- Me falling in love again despite the whole crazy cat lady plan
- Me learning about psychology, and anthropology, and life
- Me growing even more into the person I am to become
2:55pm Take a deep breath and look around empty apartment one last time.
3:00pm Journey back to Fort Atkinson.
3:55 pm Mentally prepare self to shove box into my parents house.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Run Away Home
Sometimes...the back country roads of Fort Atkinson, WI-the ones that are gravel you know, and not paved-sometimes when you're running they smell like cow poop. This is not one of the things that I thought I'd miss when I moved off to college. But here I am. Counting down the days until I can go back to those roads and train on the same hills that I've been running since I was in 6th grade.
I miss my tiny little town with it's crappy country roads. My heart and soul don't belong running on the big streets of Milwaukee...they belong on dusty, out of town roads lined with wildflowers and grass and corn. My heart simply isn't in the big city right now...and that's why it's not home for me.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Truthfully I am in college...I didn't expect that I'd be getting homesick as a soon-to-be senior in college. What's going to happen after my senior year when I don't live with my parents any more? What's going to happen when I move across the country to go to grad school. I only have one more year. AH!!!!!
I think "home" isn't as much about the where but about the "who". The reason that I miss my small hometown is because that's where my family is. It's not necessarily all about my country roads. Home is not defined by the small ice cream shop and the friendly people who look for runners when they drive instead of making me watch for them. In the end home is defined as a place of belonging. Not just any place of belonging but the place where you belong. I think I'll always feel a sense of belonging to Fort Atkinson, but at the same time, it's not because of the city itself but the people there.
So let's say that I do move away someday. I'm not worried that I'll be homesick. I know that wherever I go, no matter where it is, as long as I'm with people that I love and who love me back I'll be at home. I don't need a specific structure to call home, or a specific town. I don't even need a country. All I really need is a road to run down.
I miss my tiny little town with it's crappy country roads. My heart and soul don't belong running on the big streets of Milwaukee...they belong on dusty, out of town roads lined with wildflowers and grass and corn. My heart simply isn't in the big city right now...and that's why it's not home for me.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Truthfully I am in college...I didn't expect that I'd be getting homesick as a soon-to-be senior in college. What's going to happen after my senior year when I don't live with my parents any more? What's going to happen when I move across the country to go to grad school. I only have one more year. AH!!!!!
I think "home" isn't as much about the where but about the "who". The reason that I miss my small hometown is because that's where my family is. It's not necessarily all about my country roads. Home is not defined by the small ice cream shop and the friendly people who look for runners when they drive instead of making me watch for them. In the end home is defined as a place of belonging. Not just any place of belonging but the place where you belong. I think I'll always feel a sense of belonging to Fort Atkinson, but at the same time, it's not because of the city itself but the people there.
So let's say that I do move away someday. I'm not worried that I'll be homesick. I know that wherever I go, no matter where it is, as long as I'm with people that I love and who love me back I'll be at home. I don't need a specific structure to call home, or a specific town. I don't even need a country. All I really need is a road to run down.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Racing Thoughts and Mind Games
"To uncover your true potential you must first find your own limits and then you have to have the courage to blow past them"
The mind is a terrible thing to waste. We've all heard that quote. Probably from teachers who didn't think we were working hard enough. Sometimes, however, our minds are the greatest antagonist of all. Seriously. Not always is it a pain in our IT band, a stress fracture in our legs that stops us from running. Maybe it's not the vitamins we take or the protein we don't get enough of. It's not the miles we haven't run, the training we didn't work hard enough at.
I've been going crazy all season trying to figure out why I'm not running as fast as I'd like. And trust me I've thought of everything. I've worked out like crazy, changed my diet, my fluid intake, my routine. I've added extra ab workouts, extra pool workouts, extra stretching. I've agonized about my body for months now.
Herein lies what I discovered is my ultimate challenge. It's not my body that's betraying me, as I've believed all along... What?
My mind is one of the things I'm the most proud of. I don't claim to be the smartest person in the world, nor the wisest, nor the cleverest. Still though I have decent grades for being a double major in college, and I pride myself in at least the originality of my thoughts if nothing else. But for just once I wish my mind would concede some of it's power to my legs.
My mind has been playing tricks on me all season, telling me not what I can do, but of all the things that I can't. It doesn't reassure me when I have doubts. For me it's not my competitors I battle during a race, as with most normal runners,but instead, my mind. Every day. Every run. Every lap.
How much different would each of us be if our minds didn't overpower our hearts? How much different would our lives be if our confidence, our belief in ourselves, our abilities weren't hindered by that bellowing voice inside our heads telling us that we aren't enough, telling us that we can't? The possibilities are endless. Perhaps we would be stronger in the face of adversity. Perhaps we could be smarter...Perhaps we would be faster.
Don't let your mind tell you that you can't do something. The mind is our greatest gift, and when used properly our most powerful ally. I found that out the last 500 meters of my 1500 on Saturday when for one short lap, for the first time this season my mind got together with my legs. It wasn't necessarily a yell, and no it wasn't quite sure of itself. But it was there in a small whisper of "yes I can" as I flew down the finish line.
The mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste. Sometimes though, when your mind is the one that's telling you you can't, your only choice is to try to outrun those negative thoughts. Because only when we can learn outrun our own doubts can we outrun everyone else in the race.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste. We've all heard that quote. Probably from teachers who didn't think we were working hard enough. Sometimes, however, our minds are the greatest antagonist of all. Seriously. Not always is it a pain in our IT band, a stress fracture in our legs that stops us from running. Maybe it's not the vitamins we take or the protein we don't get enough of. It's not the miles we haven't run, the training we didn't work hard enough at.
I've been going crazy all season trying to figure out why I'm not running as fast as I'd like. And trust me I've thought of everything. I've worked out like crazy, changed my diet, my fluid intake, my routine. I've added extra ab workouts, extra pool workouts, extra stretching. I've agonized about my body for months now.
Herein lies what I discovered is my ultimate challenge. It's not my body that's betraying me, as I've believed all along... What?
My mind is one of the things I'm the most proud of. I don't claim to be the smartest person in the world, nor the wisest, nor the cleverest. Still though I have decent grades for being a double major in college, and I pride myself in at least the originality of my thoughts if nothing else. But for just once I wish my mind would concede some of it's power to my legs.
My mind has been playing tricks on me all season, telling me not what I can do, but of all the things that I can't. It doesn't reassure me when I have doubts. For me it's not my competitors I battle during a race, as with most normal runners,but instead, my mind. Every day. Every run. Every lap.
How much different would each of us be if our minds didn't overpower our hearts? How much different would our lives be if our confidence, our belief in ourselves, our abilities weren't hindered by that bellowing voice inside our heads telling us that we aren't enough, telling us that we can't? The possibilities are endless. Perhaps we would be stronger in the face of adversity. Perhaps we could be smarter...Perhaps we would be faster.
Don't let your mind tell you that you can't do something. The mind is our greatest gift, and when used properly our most powerful ally. I found that out the last 500 meters of my 1500 on Saturday when for one short lap, for the first time this season my mind got together with my legs. It wasn't necessarily a yell, and no it wasn't quite sure of itself. But it was there in a small whisper of "yes I can" as I flew down the finish line.
The mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste. Sometimes though, when your mind is the one that's telling you you can't, your only choice is to try to outrun those negative thoughts. Because only when we can learn outrun our own doubts can we outrun everyone else in the race.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunrise on the Mississippi
Back in the mid 1900's people flocked to Memphis, Tennessee in search of something. For some it was equal rights, equal opportunity. For some it was the music. For still others it was jobs that were found along the mighty, muddy, Mississippi River. But what it all boiled down to in the end is that they were all in search of their own American Dream and Memphis seemed to be the place to find it.
Today Memphis is as gorgeous as ever, still with the best music, and some of the nicest people in the world. And for me it was about the opportunity to pursue some of my dreams. The kind that involve running of course.
The thing about dreams, and goals is that they aren't for sure. There's no guarantee that just because you WANT to accomplish something that it's going to happen. I think that's why today we are afraid to pursue their dreams-and they never go further than just that : a dream. People back in the 1900's weren't afraid to throw their dreams out there-they gave up everything just to search for themselves in Memphis. So what has changed that makes us so hesitant to dream?
I got to thinking about this question on Sunday morning as I was running. It all started because on Saturday at the meet I ran my fastest ever mile, faster than I believed I could run. So I'm pondering this on Sunday morning as I'm running in the gorgeous Memphis weather. On one side of me is the Mississippi river. On the other side of me the sun is rising and being reflected on the Mississippi. So during the course of the sunrise I completed my 10 mile run, took in the scenes of Memphis one last time, and legitimately asked myself how fast I was willing to run to chase a dream.
Dreams involve risks. And to take a risk is to risk failing. If you tell someone your dreams and you don't accomplish them it means risking ridicule. If you fail it means that either you have to give up on that dream or you have to pick yourself back up again and start all over. So it's safer to not take those risks, not chase those dreams, to just take the safe road and not have to stare failure straight in the face.
Here's the catch. Taking the easy way out sounds safe, sounds appealing. If you don't put your dreams out there you don't have to worry about not accomplishing them. Why? Because there is nothing to accomplish in the first place. It's easy and secure and clandestine. But at the same time, without them, we are left without purpose, without drive, without direction. It may seem the logical route at the time, but in the end we are more lost than we were at the beginning.
Anything worth doing always comes with a risk, anything worth achieving always comes with that voice of doubt in the back of your mind that whispers "What if I fail?" But it is these risks that must be taken in order to get to those dreams. Without risk we cannot do anything, we can gain nothing, we are nothing. And our dreams? We might as well not dream at all. If there is no risk, there is no dream.
Though taking these risks is never easy, never safe, in the end they are the only way to find our dreams. It is through adversity that we are able to push past failure and doubt and make our dreams a reality.
Today Memphis is as gorgeous as ever, still with the best music, and some of the nicest people in the world. And for me it was about the opportunity to pursue some of my dreams. The kind that involve running of course.
The thing about dreams, and goals is that they aren't for sure. There's no guarantee that just because you WANT to accomplish something that it's going to happen. I think that's why today we are afraid to pursue their dreams-and they never go further than just that : a dream. People back in the 1900's weren't afraid to throw their dreams out there-they gave up everything just to search for themselves in Memphis. So what has changed that makes us so hesitant to dream?
I got to thinking about this question on Sunday morning as I was running. It all started because on Saturday at the meet I ran my fastest ever mile, faster than I believed I could run. So I'm pondering this on Sunday morning as I'm running in the gorgeous Memphis weather. On one side of me is the Mississippi river. On the other side of me the sun is rising and being reflected on the Mississippi. So during the course of the sunrise I completed my 10 mile run, took in the scenes of Memphis one last time, and legitimately asked myself how fast I was willing to run to chase a dream.
Dreams involve risks. And to take a risk is to risk failing. If you tell someone your dreams and you don't accomplish them it means risking ridicule. If you fail it means that either you have to give up on that dream or you have to pick yourself back up again and start all over. So it's safer to not take those risks, not chase those dreams, to just take the safe road and not have to stare failure straight in the face.
Here's the catch. Taking the easy way out sounds safe, sounds appealing. If you don't put your dreams out there you don't have to worry about not accomplishing them. Why? Because there is nothing to accomplish in the first place. It's easy and secure and clandestine. But at the same time, without them, we are left without purpose, without drive, without direction. It may seem the logical route at the time, but in the end we are more lost than we were at the beginning.
Anything worth doing always comes with a risk, anything worth achieving always comes with that voice of doubt in the back of your mind that whispers "What if I fail?" But it is these risks that must be taken in order to get to those dreams. Without risk we cannot do anything, we can gain nothing, we are nothing. And our dreams? We might as well not dream at all. If there is no risk, there is no dream.
Though taking these risks is never easy, never safe, in the end they are the only way to find our dreams. It is through adversity that we are able to push past failure and doubt and make our dreams a reality.
"But, risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but cannot learn, feel, change, grow, or love...Only a person who takes risks can be free."
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Confidence. Believe. Smile.
These three words have been my drive for the past several months of my life. Maybe you don't find them quite as meaningful or empowering as I do but let me explain what it means.
This is the phrase that my coach and I came up with mid-way through the 2010 cross country season. I was at a point where I was fast but I didn't really know what it meant. I still got to the starting line of every race and doubted both myself and my ability. So one day mid-October he came up to me before a race and told me that I only had to concentrate on 3 things the entire time. C.B.S.
C=Confidence.confident in all the effort you have put into the season, confident in your God given ability, confidence, confidence, confidence…"
B=Believe Believe in your talent, ability, and that you belong there"
S=Smile … take joy in the experience, soak it up with a smile, a deep breath & a smile does so much to relieve stress / anxiety"
It resonated within me all season. It was my driving force. It carried me all the way to Nationals. But then I pulled my IT band. I stopped running. My confidence crumbled, my belief died, and my smile faded.
So fast forward to last Friday. There I am at a last chance meet. Most athletes run last chance meets as a last chance to qualify for Nationals. Normally it would have been for me too. But this time the circumstances were slightly different, and the stakes quite a bit higher. It was my last chance to prove to myself that there was still something inside of me that was ready to run-something to hold on to, something to believe in.
Is "Don't Stop Belivin'" by Journey playing in your head yet? As I looked at the official holding up the starting gun my brain tried one last time to keep on believin' in myself. Deep breath in.
I went out easy. Let some other girl take the lead, do the work for me. The magic part happened when my legs didn't tire. They didn't quit and for the first time since cross country nationals I started to believe again.
I kept my eyes locked on the girl in front of me. I knew she was getting tired. What's more is that I knew I wasn't getting tired. I found myself repeating "Yes I can, Yes I can" I passed her with 300 short meters to go and I never looked back. I won the race by 5 seconds.
Afterwards I went on my cool down run outside. It was raining out and the college that had held the meet was right on the edge of Lake Michigan. So there I was running, in the rain, looking out over Lake Michigan on the verge of tears because I realized that whatever it was that I had lost somewhere between Nationals and this Last Chance was finally on it's way back. Whatever it was that I was afraid, I had learned to overcome. But much more than either of those two things my heart had found my legs again and I was ready to start believing in myself once more.
This is the phrase that my coach and I came up with mid-way through the 2010 cross country season. I was at a point where I was fast but I didn't really know what it meant. I still got to the starting line of every race and doubted both myself and my ability. So one day mid-October he came up to me before a race and told me that I only had to concentrate on 3 things the entire time. C.B.S.
C=Confidence.confident in all the effort you have put into the season, confident in your God given ability, confidence, confidence, confidence…"
B=Believe Believe in your talent, ability, and that you belong there"
S=Smile … take joy in the experience, soak it up with a smile, a deep breath & a smile does so much to relieve stress / anxiety"
It resonated within me all season. It was my driving force. It carried me all the way to Nationals. But then I pulled my IT band. I stopped running. My confidence crumbled, my belief died, and my smile faded.
So fast forward to last Friday. There I am at a last chance meet. Most athletes run last chance meets as a last chance to qualify for Nationals. Normally it would have been for me too. But this time the circumstances were slightly different, and the stakes quite a bit higher. It was my last chance to prove to myself that there was still something inside of me that was ready to run-something to hold on to, something to believe in.
Is "Don't Stop Belivin'" by Journey playing in your head yet? As I looked at the official holding up the starting gun my brain tried one last time to keep on believin' in myself. Deep breath in.
I went out easy. Let some other girl take the lead, do the work for me. The magic part happened when my legs didn't tire. They didn't quit and for the first time since cross country nationals I started to believe again.
I kept my eyes locked on the girl in front of me. I knew she was getting tired. What's more is that I knew I wasn't getting tired. I found myself repeating "Yes I can, Yes I can" I passed her with 300 short meters to go and I never looked back. I won the race by 5 seconds.
Afterwards I went on my cool down run outside. It was raining out and the college that had held the meet was right on the edge of Lake Michigan. So there I was running, in the rain, looking out over Lake Michigan on the verge of tears because I realized that whatever it was that I had lost somewhere between Nationals and this Last Chance was finally on it's way back. Whatever it was that I was afraid, I had learned to overcome. But much more than either of those two things my heart had found my legs again and I was ready to start believing in myself once more.
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