Hope and Hip Exercises

"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about"

Alright. I'm back.

Before anything, I'd like to start off by thanking all of the people who encouraged me not to give up on myself. I've gotten a lot of very wise advice from from very wise people in the past few days. I've also come to realize what a wonderful group of people I've surrounded myself with. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that ya'll didn't let me sit here and wallow in self-pity.

That said, I fully realized this morning that I needed to snap out of it. If I'm ever going to kick these injuries and get myself back to running I can't just sit around feeling sorry for myself. So I've been doing my best to be proactive. {This means thousands of sets of hip exercises and constant stretching}

 On Tuesday, after I wrote my last post I realized that I needed to do SOMETHING. So I stopped in to see a physical therapist on my way home from work.

I've known Kurt since I was 15 years old. In 2005 his sport and spine clinic was brand-spankin new and I was a high school sophmore with a fractured leg. He brought me through that, through tendonitis, and everything else along the way. So why didn't I go to him immediatly? Stubborn independance I suppose. Luckily he remembered me and we set up an appointment to see if somehow he would be able to put the fractured pieces of me back together again.

So this morning at 4:40A.M. fueled by 5 hours of sleep and 2 big cups of coffee, I jumped on my bike and rode across town to the clinic.

After an hour we set up 3 appointments for next week and I rode off with even more exercises that I'm supposed to do a few times a day. However, for the first time in a long, long while I started to feel some sort of hope after talking to him. Don't get me wrong. My IT band is apparently more solid than a steel rod. My knee does still hurt. My biomechanics are messed up. But with some hard-core physical therapy it looks like this is something that I will eventually be able to move past.

I went for a 16 mile ride afterwards before I had to leave for work, looked up at the sky and saw the sun peaking out. A sign, perhaps, that my silver lining is out there somewhere, and somehow good will come of this. It will make me a stroger runner but a stronger person as well. It taught me patience and to listen to my body when it's crying out in pain. This injury caused me to buy a bike....maybe it's facilitating my journey to become a professional triathlete.{haha}

In all seriousness however, I suppose what I'm really trying to say is that I'm not going to give up on running, or myself. As humans, we don't really have much if we don't have hope and faith. Losing hope, I learned, means losing everything. Without hope we have no chance.

So here's to the hope that I will be able to run again in time for the season. To hope that doing about a gazillion hip exercises every day will heal my knee. Hope that I continue to run, not just now, but for the rest of my life. Hope that I never give up on myself again.

What's Next and What's Left

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.~Confucius

My knee started hurting on Saturday again....and according to a physical therapist that I asked I shouldn't run for another 2 weeks or so for safety. All I wanted to do is run...but as always, I did too much, to fast and my legs couldn't take it.

I, the poster-child of looking at the sunny side and the glass being half full...I am finally out of answers. For me, all that's left are questions. I don't have any wisdom for this post or any sudden realizations about life.

What am I doing wrong that I can't get better? Why does the entire world seem to be working against me and running? I don't want a lot from life. I don't care about money, or fame, or big houses or fancy cars. All that I really want is to be happy and go running. And for some reason it's the one thing that I can not have.

All that's left for me now is not to give up entirely. I'd be lying if I told you that I think it's all going to be O.K. I realize two weeks doesn't seem that long, but every time I think I'm healed it's always "two more weeks"  What I'd like to do is concentrate on biking and swimming for now and train for a triathalon (half-ironman distance)....But I still have a whole year of collegiate running. Meaning that injured or not I have no choice but to be ready to race come September.

Forgetting everything to train for a triathalon, simply because I'm afraid to come back after this injury clearly isn't the answer to these questions.

For now, my goals isn't to get back into running, or to get faster, or to train for the season..or for an ironman for that matter. My only goal, all that's left really, is to not give up on myself and my legs. I can't focus on running, or getting back to it, or getting fast again. All I can focus on is not giving up, because that's all I feel is left for me.

What's next is to wait for my legs to heal and what's left is to hope that my heart can follow them.

The Most Amazing of Days

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius


-The first journey of learning how to run again 

Today was not really a special day. Not by many people's standards of "special". But to me it was nothing short of the most amazing of days.
Nothing extraordinary or unusual happened. This is surprising considering the amount of extraordinary, usual and strange things which tend to happen to me on a regular basis.
I woke up at 7:00a.m. Just like millions of other Americans at 7 this morning I'm particularly unmotivated to drive the hour to work. And by drive I mean get held up in traffic. Have intense road rage. Speed the rest of the way to get there on time.
Slow Down Katie
I get to work and again nothing funny or unusual or exciting develops. I spend an hour cleaning. I spend some more time dusting the fake ficus tree. Finally I file all the reports on all of the patients we've had this past week. To everyone but me it seems like an ordinary day. But to me it's anything but that.

So. Now to the big part. I drive home and for the first time in 3 weeks I pull on my running shoes.

Easy. Easy does it. It's been so long and I barely remember how to do this. After 3 weeks of swimming my legs barely remember what it's like...
Slow down, Katie
It's super super hot out today. Like record hot. We're talking 100 degrees out people! I haven't run in 3 weeks. I'm not used to this. My body hurts. I'm sweating. I'm stiff. I'm scared.
Slow down, Katie
I wait for the pain. Gasping every time I step wrong with my knee. Waiting on eggshells for my PF pain to come back. 5 minutes in it hasn't hurt. 10 minutes in it hasn't hurt. Has it? Everything else is hurting, like my body doesn't know what's going on anymore. My stride is off. It's hard to find it after all these weeks. Maybe I've forgotten how to run?
Slow down, Katie. Deep breaths
I get back to where I parked my car after 2 miles or so. I've had enough. I head over to a soccer field. I pull of my shoes. I pull off my socks. I run barefoot around the field for the last few minutes. There is no pain. There is no pressure, no racing, no track, no fans, no competition. There is only a girl and her love of running, there is only me and a field of grass. There is only running and freedom.
Run faster, Katie. 

a final note of encouragement

To my strong, wonderful legs,
     Tomorrow is the day. No really, I mean THE day. The day you get to try running again. I know it's been a really long time, and I know you're a little bit afraid that you've forgotten how to move quickly. It's O.K. don't be nervous! I have a lot of confidence in you. No, I DO! I promise. I'm sorry for being so angry with you. I know this injury wasn't your fault. It was mine. Here are some things to help you out tomorrow:
      I know you're afraid of getting hurt again but remember how much rest we've had! Holy cow! You haven't run since May 13th. Now it's June 6th. You're so rested. There's no way it'll hurt.
      In that time, yes, you've gotten a lot of rest but you've also become so much stronger! I can't believe how well you handled those excruciating days of cross training...learning to ride a bike..somehow increasing your pool endurance.(volume AND speed). Plus the hip-strengthening exercises and all of the physical-therapy type activities I've been faithfully doing for you...wow.
    You've come back from WAY worse injuries than this. IT band being the most recent. Nothing can be more horrible than ITB Syndrome! Well, except perhaps the stress fracture a few years back....but that's my point! This is nothing compared to that. So don't worry :)
     We'll start off slow with just a mile or two and then go swimming afterwards O.K.? I promise that I won't go crazy. Before you know it we'll be back up to 50 miles a week. And you? You'll be as fast as ever!
     I'm sorry for everything I put you through these past 8 months. I promise to be nicer to you in the future, and take better care of you as I should have. You're the best. Thanks for carrying me through this past year.
     Have confidence, believe, and smile! I can't wait till tomorrow!
                                                                                                                                       Love,
                                                                                                                                            Katie

One week to kick patellofemoral pain butt

Stretch. Stretch. Stretch.
-Hamstring stretching, Quad stretching,Calf Stretching...basically constant stretching
Strengthen and Mend
-I WILL faithfully do my hip exercises every single day. Sometimes twice a day!
-I WILL wear my knee brace at all times OR tape my knee {even though the knee brace is ugly}
-Tape knee until muscles are strengthened/retrained. Kinesiotape is a miracle worker!!!!   
-Foam rolling, massage
-I will stop using the bag of corn in my freezer, I will buy an actual ice pack and be faithful to that as well
-I WILL take a few days of torment rest and  nothingness. {i.e. no running, walking, swimming, biking. just nothing. period.}vomit I mean...yay relaxation
-Physical Therapy :(

Desperate Measures {I'm willing to try anything here}
-Vitamins. I've heard of many many things that are supposed to help my poor knee.
      Ginseng. Is supposed to strengthen tendons/muscles
      Fish oil/omega 3's are supposed to be a natural anti-inflammatory
      Vitamin C-just because it might work.
-The mysterious world of barefoot running.
   I've read a lot that running barefoot can help your muscles retrain themselves so that they track naturally as they're supposed to. It's not well researched but I plan on running barefoot around a soccer field for my first run back.
-I will dedicate myself to reading everything possible on PF syndrome and figure out what I may be doing wrong.

No. More. Injuries.


P.S. Have your own PF pain youre trying to kick?  Click Here

My love-hate affair with bicycling

"Cyclophobia: a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of bicycles, despite conscious understanding by the phobic individual and reassurance by others that there is no danger"

Yup. My extensive knowledge of psychology has enabled me to diagnose my excessive fear of falling off my new bicycle. Don't believe me? It is indeed a real disorder.
Read this ---> http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/cyclophobia/symptoms/

So. What exactly am I afraid of? First and foremost I'm afraid of falling off of my bicycle. Fear of going uphill {because it hurts my quads} fear of going downhill {too fast!} Fear of a bug flying into my throat/eyes/ears/nose while biking. Fear of extreme chafing due to biking. Fear of getting hit by a car while biking. You get the idea. Maybe underlying it all is the more I bike the more the reality hits that I can't run. Fear of never getting to run again.

 I've spent this whole past week learning about riding my bike. Riding a road bike is quite a bit different than going out for a ride. It's much more intense. Or at least...I feel it should be.
The first day I did two bike rides at 9-10 miles each. On a flat bike trail {for safety in case of falling off!!!}. The second day I went biking with my mom. This was probably not the best decision. Seeing as how I'm an inexperienced biker a great majority of the ride was characterized by my mom telling me things and me not wanting to listen {not because she doesn't know what she's talking about but because she's my mom and I'm stubborn}.

I've ridden the same route the past two days now. I combined my favorite running loops and then I hit up the good old {SAFE!} bike trail for the last few miles. This is one thing that I've really come to like about biking. With running you have to be careful of your miles. Always making sure you don't do too many. But with biking I can just pick it up and be up to a bunch of miles a pop within a week. I also like the feeling of going really fast. Let's be honest, you may feel fast when you run but to passing motorists, or people watching you're not really moving that quickly.  Even if you are a slow biker {ahem} you are still moving pretty fast. On the flip side the faster I go the more intensely I fear falling off.

I hate biking on a busy road. I'm not 100% sure that I will be able to adequately get myself and my bicycle to safety in the incidence of a rogue car. I suppose I could always ride it into the ditch but I'd rather not do that. I always  thought that motorists were particularly rude to runners and was always somewhat offended when they blew past me. I've found that this is NOTHING when compared to how horribly they treat bikers.
I also hate biking into the wind. If you have never experienced it, it is the most strenuous thing I have ever felt in my life. I equate it to either 1. Running consistently uphill for 10 miles or 2. Swimming against a current. This morning I went into the wind for over half of my ride. Note: yelling at/cursing at/growling at the wind does NOT make it die down. {It was worth a shot}

Biking is however, a good analogy for life. And I enjoy its applicability to every day. Alot of times it seems like no matter what you do, where you turn you are always battling a strong headwind. Sometimes it seems like the whole dang world is uphill. But eventually the wind calms and there's always a downhill that follows an up.

Enough philosophizing for one day.

 7 days until I can try running again.

"Your fears are not walls, but hurdles. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquering of it."
                                                                                      -Dan Millman

Not the Same

Swimming is so meditative. So peaceful. So challenging and physically demanding. It requires inner and outer strength. Swimming is not the same as running.
Biking builds your endurance. It gives you massive quads. It gives you a fabulous tan. It's so rhythmical. Its a fantasitic way to get away from the rest of the world. But biking is not the same as running.
Ellipticalling is horrible. And boring. Elliptical is not the same as running.
Ab workouts make you look good in a swimsuit (unless you, like me only wear one pieces because swimming should be about workouts and not about strutting around in a bikini). Ab workouts make you feel like you're doing an intense workout. They give you core strength. Ab workouts are not the same as running.
Yoga is a good stretch. Yoga helps you center yourself. Yoga helps you focus. But still. Yoga  is not the same as running.

One more week and two days until my next attempt to run.
 Thinking about running is not the same as running.