"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are." - Rachel Naomi Remen
Am I ready to be healed? Has this whole journey thing been long enough to be healed? Is this process over with?
I will have my answer...by Monday afternoon I will have seen my doctor and I will potentially be rid of the crutches...hooray! Today actually was the four week mark from when my foot originally broke. Can you believe it? Can it really have been four weeks on those awful crutches? Can it really have been four weeks since the last time I ran? Four weeks of willing myself to heal should do it, doncha think?
There's more though. I have to make sure that I'm healthy enough to run. I have to be ABSOLUTELY sure that I'm not going to be racing this spring and all of a sudden have my hip fracture, or fall during a race and break my kneecap, or whatever else. As much as it pains me to say this, after a difficult week this week, I've decided that even if my heel is better I'm still not running until we take a good long look at my bones and make sure that they're O.K. As I've said before, your heel bone shouldn't fracture in only the span of a week. It just shouldn't happen. I need to know why.
But here are all of the things that I HAVE been doing. Whenever I drink coffee or tea I automatically add milk or almond milk. I've been drinking a LOT of almond milk. What most people don't know is that it actually has TWICE the calcium content of regular milk. Pretty awesome huh? I also take my calcium supplements twice a day. That's a heck of a lot of calcium. I generally aim for 1500mg every day (this includes what I get from supplements). Most people don't realize how much calcium we actually need on a day to day basis. The truth is that minimally you should be getting 1000mg per day. I'm aiming for 500mg more for well, obvious reasons.
Calcium Rich Foods:
Yogurt: Sometimes as high as 210mg per servings
Sardines: seriously have 500 mg of calcium per serving. I'm pretty sure this is only because when you eat sardines you're eating the fish's bones. ew.
Tofu: 510mg per serving.
Figs: 506 mg per serving.....weird right?
Fun Facts:
-Calcium and vitamin C work together. This mineral can be properly absorbed in your stomach if you have optimum levels of acid ph.
-Too much calcium can be toxic
-Calcium is naturally found in stalactites.
-People need extremely regulated calcium level because our brains rely on it. If the level is too high or too low, our nervous system gets “nervous”
The best way that I do it is by taking supplements called "viactives" which are semi-not disgusting chewable vitamins that have 500mg of calcium a pop. They're not exactly like eating candy...but they could be much, much worse. Just don't get the chocolate ones. Get the caramel ones.
Also, as I said I've been drinking tons and tons of almond milk...500 mg per cup!!! I am ALL OVER this bone rebuilding stuff.
The only thing, nutritionally, that I'm still lacking in is getting enough protein. I don't really eat meat as it is, and I haven't really done much (besides the milk thing) to improve my protein intake. I can't be expected to concentrate on both calcium annnnd protein right? haha. But I'm working on it...it's a slow, sure process.
This weekend may have been my last walk on crutches. My misshapen calf may soon get itself back into shape. I may soon get to walk again. I may soon get to run again.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Better to Break Your Leg.....
"You know what I think? It's better to break a man's leg than his heart."
I can't watch running movies now that I'm injured. It's really just too much for me to handle. I haven't even had the desire to pop in one of the Pre movies, or anything else like that. However, on the late nights where my leg does hurt I throw in a horse movies from time to time. O.K. that's a lie. I've been watching Seabiscuit pretty much constantly these past couple of days. And by that I mean when it ends I just restart it.
The reason I've grown attached to this movie is pretty obvious (semi-spoiler alert). During one part of the movie Seabiscuit's leg gets injured and he's pronounced lame. His jockey, Red, has also broken his leg. So they spend months trying to heal together and come back to win a huge national race. This movie is the only therapy that's working.
It throws me off a little bit because Toby McGuire plays Seabiscuit's jockey and unfortunately I have yet to watch the movie without expecting webs to shoot out of his hands as he's riding, or for him to say something about his "spidey senses" when he knows he's about to win. Luckily, McGuire is a decent actor so I get over this by the time the movie hits its climax.
But mostly I just like it because, though disguised as a horse movie, it's about running. I fell in love with it after a horse breaks his foot and is about to get shot. A trainer looks at the men surrounding him and says "just because he's banged up a little doesn't mean you throw a whole life away." Yeah....It was indeed that line alone that sold me on this movie. Along with the quote at the beginning of this post...."better to break a man's leg than his heart".
I've extended my crutch-walks now to an hour now, and I don't have to take breaks anymore. I have calluses on my palms, bruises on my sides, and crazy, crazy, sore muscles in my other leg from crutching/hopping around everywhere with only one good leg. I'm not convinced that this is really the best thing for me to be doing. Then again, I'm convinced that it's the only thing that I CAN do right now in order to keep sane.
At the same time, I'm so gun-shy right now. I feel like anything that hurts could be another stress fracture, every time I do something, I'm afraid something else will break. I just feel so....fragile...which is so different than the "nothing can touch me" attitude I've had my entire life. I used to believe I was invincible in a sense. And now, I'm not so sure.
I only have a week (less than) to get over this fear. And one week to do everything I can to heal. Not, of course, that I'm expecting to get to walk. But I'd still like to do everything to give me a shot at it.
-I started drinking milk. And almond milk (which surprisingly has more calcium than regular milk.)
-I take 500mg of calcium twice a day, every day
-I haven't even tested my leg out.I haven't done anything that I wasn't specifically given permission to do. I haven't set it on the floor, put weight on it, havent tried aqua-jogging or swimming. I almost never take the boot off and I don't even like to look at it for extended periods of time. You know, just in case. This is EXTREMELY unlike me. Usually I'm obstinate and daring like that. Usually I do what I'm not supposed to. But this time is different
I'm O.K. with whatever happens 3 days from now. I'm fully aware that I may have to be in the boot for longer. Or even on crutches for longer. All I care about is that I am able to run again someday. It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, or Monday, or even months from now. I care that once I do recover from this that it will be recovered and I won't have to deal with anymore injuries or fractures or what have you. All I want is to be able to be a runner for the rest of my life.
I can't watch running movies now that I'm injured. It's really just too much for me to handle. I haven't even had the desire to pop in one of the Pre movies, or anything else like that. However, on the late nights where my leg does hurt I throw in a horse movies from time to time. O.K. that's a lie. I've been watching Seabiscuit pretty much constantly these past couple of days. And by that I mean when it ends I just restart it.
The reason I've grown attached to this movie is pretty obvious (semi-spoiler alert). During one part of the movie Seabiscuit's leg gets injured and he's pronounced lame. His jockey, Red, has also broken his leg. So they spend months trying to heal together and come back to win a huge national race. This movie is the only therapy that's working.
It throws me off a little bit because Toby McGuire plays Seabiscuit's jockey and unfortunately I have yet to watch the movie without expecting webs to shoot out of his hands as he's riding, or for him to say something about his "spidey senses" when he knows he's about to win. Luckily, McGuire is a decent actor so I get over this by the time the movie hits its climax.
But mostly I just like it because, though disguised as a horse movie, it's about running. I fell in love with it after a horse breaks his foot and is about to get shot. A trainer looks at the men surrounding him and says "just because he's banged up a little doesn't mean you throw a whole life away." Yeah....It was indeed that line alone that sold me on this movie. Along with the quote at the beginning of this post...."better to break a man's leg than his heart".
I've extended my crutch-walks now to an hour now, and I don't have to take breaks anymore. I have calluses on my palms, bruises on my sides, and crazy, crazy, sore muscles in my other leg from crutching/hopping around everywhere with only one good leg. I'm not convinced that this is really the best thing for me to be doing. Then again, I'm convinced that it's the only thing that I CAN do right now in order to keep sane.
At the same time, I'm so gun-shy right now. I feel like anything that hurts could be another stress fracture, every time I do something, I'm afraid something else will break. I just feel so....fragile...which is so different than the "nothing can touch me" attitude I've had my entire life. I used to believe I was invincible in a sense. And now, I'm not so sure.
I only have a week (less than) to get over this fear. And one week to do everything I can to heal. Not, of course, that I'm expecting to get to walk. But I'd still like to do everything to give me a shot at it.
-I started drinking milk. And almond milk (which surprisingly has more calcium than regular milk.)
-I take 500mg of calcium twice a day, every day
-I haven't even tested my leg out.I haven't done anything that I wasn't specifically given permission to do. I haven't set it on the floor, put weight on it, havent tried aqua-jogging or swimming. I almost never take the boot off and I don't even like to look at it for extended periods of time. You know, just in case. This is EXTREMELY unlike me. Usually I'm obstinate and daring like that. Usually I do what I'm not supposed to. But this time is different
I'm O.K. with whatever happens 3 days from now. I'm fully aware that I may have to be in the boot for longer. Or even on crutches for longer. All I care about is that I am able to run again someday. It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, or Monday, or even months from now. I care that once I do recover from this that it will be recovered and I won't have to deal with anymore injuries or fractures or what have you. All I want is to be able to be a runner for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Team Bonding
"I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion."
There are a lot of things that I miss about running. But what I miss the most is my team. I feel left out when it comes to all of their stories, their running adventures. Don't get me wrong, I am at practice every day. I crutch around. I stretch with them. I eat with them. I hang out with them. But I miss running with them. I miss dreading workouts with them. I miss dying during those workouts with them. My heart drops every time they discuss a workout together, and I know that I just can't be there.
I have always thought that running builds one of the strongest bonds that people can have. I'm not completely sure how or what it is, but somehow running creates some sort of special bond.
Maybe it's something about sharing something that you both love so much. Or, I have often thought that coming through the hardships that running provides ties people together for life. I've always depended on my training partners in a way that I've never depended upon any other people. It's true that I do prefer to train alone. But still, that can only get you so far. There's always going to be that one run, that one workout, that no matter how good of an athlete you are, you just wouldn't have been able to finish alone. I guess that's something else that I miss a lot. I miss them depending on me in that way. I miss being the one that can carry my teammates through a workout. But for now all I can do it watch.
When I was in high school my coach literally fashioned a piece of rope which would tie our top 7 girls together and he would send us out on runs like that. At first it was frustrating, the first couple of us would be straining, and the last couple would be pulled along despite wanting to go slower. We fought. We complained. We tried slowing down and speeding up. But eventually, we found that the only thing that worked to make these runs easier was learning to run together as a team. Drastic? you may be thinking. Yes, yes it was. It was a literal way of making us "bond" as a team. That said, our team went on to win the state cross country title that year. When the newspaper articles came out in the sports sections the following week what they praised most about our team and credited our success to was our strong pack running. My coach made his point.
In college I bonded with my team over long bus bus rides, and heartbreaking races, and dinners together and inside jokes and campfire stories. We go camping together, we have movie nights, dinner parties, ice baths and of course running too. They're the only ones that have seen my at my best and the ones who have seen me at the lowest too. And they're still there no matter what.
I miss running. But more than anything I miss running with my teammates. No matter how successful I ever was, no matter how well I ran, what we accomplished together as a team was always greater.
-Mia Hamm
There are a lot of things that I miss about running. But what I miss the most is my team. I feel left out when it comes to all of their stories, their running adventures. Don't get me wrong, I am at practice every day. I crutch around. I stretch with them. I eat with them. I hang out with them. But I miss running with them. I miss dreading workouts with them. I miss dying during those workouts with them. My heart drops every time they discuss a workout together, and I know that I just can't be there.
I have always thought that running builds one of the strongest bonds that people can have. I'm not completely sure how or what it is, but somehow running creates some sort of special bond.
Maybe it's something about sharing something that you both love so much. Or, I have often thought that coming through the hardships that running provides ties people together for life. I've always depended on my training partners in a way that I've never depended upon any other people. It's true that I do prefer to train alone. But still, that can only get you so far. There's always going to be that one run, that one workout, that no matter how good of an athlete you are, you just wouldn't have been able to finish alone. I guess that's something else that I miss a lot. I miss them depending on me in that way. I miss being the one that can carry my teammates through a workout. But for now all I can do it watch.
When I was in high school my coach literally fashioned a piece of rope which would tie our top 7 girls together and he would send us out on runs like that. At first it was frustrating, the first couple of us would be straining, and the last couple would be pulled along despite wanting to go slower. We fought. We complained. We tried slowing down and speeding up. But eventually, we found that the only thing that worked to make these runs easier was learning to run together as a team. Drastic? you may be thinking. Yes, yes it was. It was a literal way of making us "bond" as a team. That said, our team went on to win the state cross country title that year. When the newspaper articles came out in the sports sections the following week what they praised most about our team and credited our success to was our strong pack running. My coach made his point.
In college I bonded with my team over long bus bus rides, and heartbreaking races, and dinners together and inside jokes and campfire stories. We go camping together, we have movie nights, dinner parties, ice baths and of course running too. They're the only ones that have seen my at my best and the ones who have seen me at the lowest too. And they're still there no matter what.
I miss running. But more than anything I miss running with my teammates. No matter how successful I ever was, no matter how well I ran, what we accomplished together as a team was always greater.
Monday, December 5, 2011
One. More. Week.
"Tough times don't last but tough people do." - A.C. Green
I could be walking in a week you know. Next Monday is my next appointment with the doctor. Next Tuesday is my potential next x-rays.
Am I excited?
Well no, not really. I'm terrified. I realize that getting rid of the crutches and huge ugly boot seems as though it's something that the average person would be excited about, however this is not really true. Because, you see I'm really really afraid for what it's going to be like to try to walk again after 4 weeks of not walking. Also, as you may have guessed, if I try walking again I run the risk of it hurting, which means I run the risk of discovering that it's not healed. My foot still hurts a lot and I'm afraid that getting rid of the crutches will get my hopes up too much and all it will do is serve to remind me that I still can't run. I'm afraid that walking will hurt more than crutches do. I'm afraid of how slow I'll run when I re-start running. I'm afraid that something else will break... I'm afraid to start running again.
In addition I'll miss all of the cool things I get to do on crutches. I won't get to go on walks with crutches. I'll have to actually use both of my feet...JUST when I was getting super fast on crutches too! I'll miss people being so nice to me. I mean, normally people don't go out of their way to open the door for you, or do your laundry for you. Oh, yeah and I'll of course miss how incredibly good crutches make you look as an accessory. hah! I'm kidding of course.
I can't believe that it will have been over 4 weeks since the last time I put weight on my foot.
one more week
one more week
one more week
Keep your fingers crossed for me please
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The Discovery of Flight
" Adventure is worthwhile in itself." -Amelia Earhart
Just a heads up: yes i had an address change and a title change along with some design changes. but don't worry it's still me :) I just had to make my corner of the internet a little more private. eh...it was time for a change anyways. I kind of like the new look. hope you do too!
I re-designed my new blog rather quickly. It was kind of short notice but it needed to be done. Sorry for any confusion.
I miss "Miles to Go" because it's become such a big part of me over these past few months, and carried a really deep meaning for me.
The reason behind "Learning to Fly" is I suppose kind of deep as well. I started connecting running with flying back in high school. I pictured running across an open field as flying. Not as running.
So now here I am, years later. The origional meaning of it, has already been done. I've run fast, I've come close to "flying" but now, I can't even walk. I have to start all over.
For now, the meaning of this blog is my story of learning to fly all over again. Once my foot heals I'm going to have to learn to stand on it again. Next, I'll have to learn to walk on it again. To run on it, and finally to fly on it again.
For the next few months my posts will be dedicated to my recovery and discovering how to fly again someday. Meanwhile I'll be learning about myself and who I am along the way.
Friday, December 2, 2011
I Always Wanted Smaller Quads Anyways
"The thing that's really hard and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and learning how to be yourself"
Injury ...Week 3
Injury ...Week 3
Things are so different when you go from running 50 miles a week to sitting on your butt 50 hours a week. The first is that I'm no longer tired. I'm no longer hungry, no longer thirsty. When I was training everything that my body told me was directly correlated to the amount that I was running. If I did a speed workout I knew I needed a lot of protein for dinner.. An hour or more of running meant that I needed some carbohydrates for breakfast. But now I have no way to know what to do or what not to do. Only that I need more calcium so that my bones get better.
In the same way running 50 miles a week meant 8 hours a night. No ifs, ands, or buts. But now there is no sleeping. I'm not tired and the pain in my foot is too much for any more than 3 hours in a row. Part of this is due to not being tired. Part of this is due to pain. Part of it is due to my foot going numb at night because of the boot. I had two nights this past week where I went to bed with giant ugly boot on my foot and woke up with giant ugly boot laying halfway across the room. Not sure exactly how this happened, but it gave me a good laugh in the morning...though the ditching of the boot at night does make for a very very painful next day.
I have, for as long as I can remember, been jealous of tall girls with long, skinny, legs. Mine have always been rather short and muscular. From my perspective my calves were always too big, my quads too defined, my shin muscles freaks of nature. But surprise! I took off my boot the other day to look at my left calf and everything is...gone. I have barely any muscle tone left in it. It's not hard muscles anymore but just loose flesh hanging there. Perhaps you truly cant appreciate what you have until it's gone. My massive hamstrings, and calves, and quads were all parts of who Iwas am. I need to stop chasing after my crazy ideas of "perfection" and celebrate who I am a little bit more. Giant quadriceps and all.
I suppose -if nothing else-that's the good that has come from these three long and confusing weeks. That maybe you don't have to be perfect all the time, that maybe you're allowed to break every once in awhile. Learning that I can't be perfect all the time is maybe the underlying lesson here. And more importantly, that no one expects you to be perfect all the time, well except maybe yourself.
Is it normal that once you've accepted something like this to start embracing it though? I had someone tell me today that even though I'm on crutches I'm still always smiling. Which is true now that I think about it. It doesn't mean that I miss running any less, or that my foot feels any better. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I miss running, but I'm not angry about it anymore. For now I'm just waiting until I find what that reason is. I can't change what happened so I might as well make the most of it in my present and future.
In the same way running 50 miles a week meant 8 hours a night. No ifs, ands, or buts. But now there is no sleeping. I'm not tired and the pain in my foot is too much for any more than 3 hours in a row. Part of this is due to not being tired. Part of this is due to pain. Part of it is due to my foot going numb at night because of the boot. I had two nights this past week where I went to bed with giant ugly boot on my foot and woke up with giant ugly boot laying halfway across the room. Not sure exactly how this happened, but it gave me a good laugh in the morning...though the ditching of the boot at night does make for a very very painful next day.
I have, for as long as I can remember, been jealous of tall girls with long, skinny, legs. Mine have always been rather short and muscular. From my perspective my calves were always too big, my quads too defined, my shin muscles freaks of nature. But surprise! I took off my boot the other day to look at my left calf and everything is...gone. I have barely any muscle tone left in it. It's not hard muscles anymore but just loose flesh hanging there. Perhaps you truly cant appreciate what you have until it's gone. My massive hamstrings, and calves, and quads were all parts of who I
I suppose -if nothing else-that's the good that has come from these three long and confusing weeks. That maybe you don't have to be perfect all the time, that maybe you're allowed to break every once in awhile. Learning that I can't be perfect all the time is maybe the underlying lesson here. And more importantly, that no one expects you to be perfect all the time, well except maybe yourself.
Is it normal that once you've accepted something like this to start embracing it though? I had someone tell me today that even though I'm on crutches I'm still always smiling. Which is true now that I think about it. It doesn't mean that I miss running any less, or that my foot feels any better. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I miss running, but I'm not angry about it anymore. For now I'm just waiting until I find what that reason is. I can't change what happened so I might as well make the most of it in my present and future.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
December To Do List
“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies”
I don't know about 10k's this spring. Or about running at all. But I'm still planning on a marathon next fall. And a century ride this spring. So I told my coach that running or no running my teammates are still the most important people in the world to me and I will be there every day whether I'm running, or on my bike, or driving them to the pool for cross training, or on crutches. I've been in love with running my whole life. Not running for 6 months isn't going to change that.
But really being on crutches isn't all that bad. Everyone opens the door for me when they see me coming. And cars actually stop for me when I cross the street. And it's brought me much, much, closer to almost everyone in my life. And I don't have to do my own laundry anymore.
And let's be honest. One of my favorite things about running was really to do things that no one else could do, to push myself harder, to run longer. What can I say? I like people to think I'm crazy. So really all I have to do to achieve that same feeling is go on a walk with my crutches for an hour. I mean, really...who does that? Me I guess. Somehow, even though I'm not running my teammates, the people at my school, they all still think I'm crazy...and for some reason they all still think I'm fast.
I went to the mall on Tuesday just to do a few laps in a warm environment and get some blood flow back to my legs and be able to think a bit. Surprisingly a lot of people genuinely asked me what happened. One of them being the nice guy who was playing Santa Claus. So, when he asked I crutched over there and told him my story. He expressed how sorry he was and I responded "Well, if you could please bring me a new calcaneus bone for Christmas I'd really appreciate it." ho.ho.ho.
Since it's the first day of December here are my month goals:
1. GET RID OF CRUTCHES AND BOOT!!!!!
2. Walk by December 12 (this will be 1 month since regionals)
3. Go on a bike ride by Christmas.
4. Go for a run on Christmas day. It doesn't matter if it's one mile, or one block, or one minute. I WILL do it.
5. Calcium...Protein....
6. Get into graduate school.
7. Stop neglecting ab workouts.
8. Keep being my optimistic, happy, thankful for what I have little self. No matter how long I don't run for.
9. Stop biting nails
10. Go to early-season track practices every day on crutches. Be best captain possible on crutches. Learn names of all of my teammates
Sorry in advance that this post is a little random. I've got a lot on my mind these days and far far too much time to think. Usually I do all my thinking once a week on a nice 10 mile run. But now it's not so easy.
Seriously? This girl had cancer. twice. and recovered. twice. and is now going to the Olympics. I don't remember the last time I ever found something so inspiring and applicable. I mean, if she can do it...I can get over a broken foot right? ...right? I mean it's sort of a reality check for me. I've been doing relatively well but this right here really makes me see how good I have it.
I don't know about 10k's this spring. Or about running at all. But I'm still planning on a marathon next fall. And a century ride this spring. So I told my coach that running or no running my teammates are still the most important people in the world to me and I will be there every day whether I'm running, or on my bike, or driving them to the pool for cross training, or on crutches. I've been in love with running my whole life. Not running for 6 months isn't going to change that.
But really being on crutches isn't all that bad. Everyone opens the door for me when they see me coming. And cars actually stop for me when I cross the street. And it's brought me much, much, closer to almost everyone in my life. And I don't have to do my own laundry anymore.
And let's be honest. One of my favorite things about running was really to do things that no one else could do, to push myself harder, to run longer. What can I say? I like people to think I'm crazy. So really all I have to do to achieve that same feeling is go on a walk with my crutches for an hour. I mean, really...who does that? Me I guess. Somehow, even though I'm not running my teammates, the people at my school, they all still think I'm crazy...and for some reason they all still think I'm fast.
I went to the mall on Tuesday just to do a few laps in a warm environment and get some blood flow back to my legs and be able to think a bit. Surprisingly a lot of people genuinely asked me what happened. One of them being the nice guy who was playing Santa Claus. So, when he asked I crutched over there and told him my story. He expressed how sorry he was and I responded "Well, if you could please bring me a new calcaneus bone for Christmas I'd really appreciate it." ho.ho.ho.
Since it's the first day of December here are my month goals:
1. GET RID OF CRUTCHES AND BOOT!!!!!
2. Walk by December 12 (this will be 1 month since regionals)
3. Go on a bike ride by Christmas.
4. Go for a run on Christmas day. It doesn't matter if it's one mile, or one block, or one minute. I WILL do it.
5. Calcium...Protein....
6. Get into graduate school.
7. Stop neglecting ab workouts.
8. Keep being my optimistic, happy, thankful for what I have little self. No matter how long I don't run for.
9. Stop biting nails
10. Go to early-season track practices every day on crutches. Be best captain possible on crutches. Learn names of all of my teammates
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