I've Decided To Get Better

"Turns out healing isn't a random, mysterious, miraculous process. It's simply a decision you make when you decide you want to get better"

Surprise of the week #2. Not only can I walk, I can still swim fast. Well. O.K. not fast but pretty decent considering that I've lost all of the muscle mass in my left leg.

I aqua-jogged today. Which was...really boring. After the first half an hour I actually realized that my foot was feeling really good-especially when you consider how much I've been walking on it. I decided to take a chance. I strapped on my goggles and slowly took off my belt.

I started did two laps of breaststroke and then eased into freestyle. Kicking my leg and all. I CAN SWIM! Trust me, I was just as surprised as anyone. I honestly thought I'd make it half a length of the 50m pool and have to turn my sorry butt back around, but I kept kicking, I kept swimming, I kept going. For 25 minutes. The longest workout I've done since November 12. I'm still a little shocked honestly.

Sometimes I can't find a good or fitting quote for these posts and I make one up. Usually I just don't put a name after them but today I'll take credit for it. Despite my whole psychology undergrad degree I'd love nothing more than to be a writer someday. But anyways as I was saying: I came up with that quote while I was swimming today. I realized that healing isn't just something that happens to you no matter what you do. You have to want it to happen to. I wasn't ready to be healed even a couple weeks ago. There are many reasons for this and I won't bore you with all of them. But the pain was still to fresh and I was still too devastated. My leg simply couldn't be healed you see, because my mind wasn't ready for it to be yet.

What do you think? How much of healing is mental and how much is physical? Is it possible for the mental to either speed up or slow down the physical part of healing?

Either way...I am SO ready to be healed.

One Step At A Time Please!

Know your limits, then ignore them" ~John Mason

I can walk you know. This surprise Christmas present came two days late for me. But it still came nonetheless. 

I can't walk very well and it's a far cry from the pretty, long, graceful, strides I used to imagine myself running in. And I'm still nervous to do it without at least one crutch under my left arm but hey, it's a start. 

Originally, before the world caved in on me and my body decided not to heal we thought that I would only be on crutches for 4-6 weeks. During my last doctor appointment as you know, that got pushed back until January 13...which means a grand total of 9 long, long, weeks on crutches. This weekend (Christmas) marked the official 6 week mark since I had put any sort of weight on my foot, 6 weeks since I've run, 6 weeks since that dreadful moment during regionals where I blacked out and got myself a big, fat, DNF. 

So I finally decided that enough was enough. I went on a "walk" on my crutches yesterday. By the last few minutes my right hip, IT band, knee, and both my armpits were crazy sore from walking for so long using crutches. I decided I am not -NOT- going to take this lying down. So I walked a whole block on my foot. Slowly. Awkwardly. But walking. I had to make myself do it, make myself put my foot down, especially my heel. But I did it. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be walking this much but honestly, what's the worst that can happen? My foot breaks. ha. ha. ha. 

Still though...Victory. Huge victory. 

Today at  work while I was supposed to be filing psychological reports and entering data and ensuring that the patients are comfy in the waiting room,I spent a large amount of time learning how to walk using only ONE crutch instead of two. I'm not entirely comfortable using my heel just yet but I can hobble on the ball of my foot. I'm trying to work up the courage to do it without crutches but I need to also remember to go slowly, slowly,slowly. Not everything in life needs to be full speed ahead. Well...not right now anyways. 

So now I can walk from room to room and actually carry things because I'm only using one crutch instead of two. And I can put almost my full weight on the ball of my left foot. 

Because I'm going to be gone on New Year's here are Decemeber's failures and my goals for January. Full-on New Year's resolutions are coming later. 

December: 

1. GET RID OF CRUTCHES AND BOOT!!!!!  Well, I got rid of the boot and one crutch. Does that count?
2. Walk by December 12 (this will be 1  month since regionals) fail :(
3. Go on a bike ride by Christmas. Also fail...but hopefully only 2 more weeks until I can do this.
4. Go for a run on Christmas day. It doesn't matter if it's one mile, or one block, or one minute. I WILL do it. No comment.
5. Calcium...Protein....Alright I've been working on this. 90% faithfully taking my calcium supplements (hey, I'm human. I forget) Protein is something I could work a bit harder at. 
6. Get into graduate school. Applications sent and fingers crossed.
7. Stop neglecting ab workouts. Eh...I was doing good for awhile. 
8. Keep being my optimistic, happy, thankful for what I have little self. No matter how long I don't run for. This was harder than I thought, due to the fact that I thought the "No matter how long I don't run for" part wouldn't be as bad as it was. But still. I did it. 
9.  Stop biting nails At least I accomplished something. I think this has more to do with me not being nervous for races than my willpower. 
10. Go to early-season track practices every day on crutches. Be best captain possible on crutches. Learn names of all of my teammates Done. 

January:

1. GET RID OF CRUTCHES

2. Walk before I see my doctor again Walk before New Year's dang it!

3. Bike ride by the end of January

4. Start doing legit pool workouts

5. Start off the new semester  on the right foot (pun intended) no more slacking in school just because you can't run. 

6. Calcium. So. Much. Calcium. 

7. Find a yoga class and get your strength back. 

8. Be really really smart about food choices. Eat things that will make foot better. 

9. Try to start sleeping more

10. Find will to run again

Healing and Heels

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  -C.S. Lewis

 Soooo this is what 5 weeks of healing looks like....

Aqua-Noodling

"Maybe strong is just what you have left when you've used up all your weak."

Aquatic Fitness Adventures

12/18/11

So today I crutched back to the pool. It's not that my foot doesn't hurt. But it hurts constantly anyways so I might as well do something. And actually, compared to how much it used to hurt it actually feels a lot better after swimming. I think it's because swimming helps to flush all of that swelling out of my foot. And yeah, O.K. it makes me feel a bit better about myself. Less, you know, useless. 

I've developed a kind of system when it comes to what I do for my "workout". I do 10 minutes of either aquajogging with old lady aquabelt and then rest for 5. During those 5 minutes I don't move my legs but float and use only my arms to do laps. Repeat, repeat as many times as my foot can stand. It's not like it used to be, but I'll take it. All of the employees already know who I am and what I did to my foot so they all talk with me while I'm aqua jogging so it's not too terribly boring actually. In reality, I'm so exercise devoid that nothing is going to seem boring at this time. I feel pretty lucky that I get to do anything. So I'm not complaining. Right now, I get just as excited to go doggie-paddle for 45 minutes as I used to to to go on a 45 minute run. 

The best part though, is always the kids that are there. They don't look at me like I'm weird because I walk into a pool on crutches or because I aquajog slower than an 80-year old woman. The best was a little boy who asked me why I needed a belt. I told him it was because my foot was broken so I couldn't swim very well and I was afraid of sinking without it. After I got in we made eye contact and he goes "You're not sinking!" I yelled back "I told you I would float" and he said "no...you just told me you wouldn't sink.....It's basically like you're in a floating wheelchair right now." I just laughed and told him he had a good point. He stayed in the pool with his friends for a bit, playing games and telling me how many points they got from games that didn't seem to have a legitimate point system. (3,000 just for swimming down and back with one flipper on? Really?)


12/19/11
Today I found that while the young crazy kids go to the pool in the afternoon as I did yesterday, its the older in-shape women that show up on weekday mornings. No big deal or anything but this morning I was invited to join the "joints in motion class". Guess I look like someone who could use some water aerobics. 


I did get an excellent tip though. The "Joints in Motion" instructor suggested that I use a noodle instead of an aqua jogging belt. I figured I had nothing to lose really, so I tried it. Sitting on a noodle, it turns out works much, much, better actually than aqua jogging with the belt. Don't get me wrong it isn't better as in less pathetic....it's better...as in easier. Today then was a mixture of aqua jogging and aqua noodling and doggie paddling. Epic, I know. 


So here's how I adjusted yesterday's workout...15 minutes of aqua jogging to start out with. 5 min rest, 10 minutes of light, EASY, kicking, 5 minute rest, 15 minutes of aqua noodling. All said and done I'm up to being in the water for about 40 minutes at a time. Eventually either my foot starts to ache or I get to nervous that it's going to get hurt. I know, I KNOW that swimming is non-impact and can't make my stress fracture worse but that doesn't make it less scary. If we're being honest here I'm so scared that it'll hurt that after I get in I still panic for the first 30 seconds or so. 


Then after my workout I sat in the hot tub while all of the "Joints in Motion" ladies asked about my foot and warned me to be careful on the ice with my crutches. It was kind of like having a conversation with your grandma except I had like 3 of them all talking to me at the same time. 

It's something about the water but, I feel like now that I've started swimming and I'm in a slightly better place mentally my foot is slowly getting better. 

Cross Training Snob

"If you're going to make it, your desire for your dreams has to be greater than your fear of failure." 

 Let's be honest here. It's not something that I'm proud of but sometimes during those 90 minute pool workouts I used to chuckle at the old ladies doing their water aerobics. I'd get all proud of myself when I saw people who had to kickboard in between laps because they needed to rest. And people who aqua jogged? please.

I admit it: I'm a cross training snob. I tend to think that no other form of exercise can come close to what running does for you. And when I do cross train, I'm very hardcore about it.Anything that is not either excessive or extravagant is simply not worth it. As much as I hate to admit it, I scoff at people who are not the same way.

Today, however, that attitude dissipated a little bit. I am now one of those aqua-belt wearing, slow moving, water-treading people that I always laughed at. But, the fact that past Katie would have laughed at present Katie had she of known what I looked like aqua-jogging today is really not the point. The point is that I did something. I know, I know it's not really a good adventure but again, it's better than nothing.

Crutching to the pool from the locker room was only a little bit embarrassing. I guess it would have been a lot worse but I was so afraid of falling on my face, or worse, my heel, that I didn't really notice all of the people staring at the little crippled girl who came to do an old lady workout.

I sat on the edge of the pool for about 5 minutes daring myself to get in. In that time I told the lifeguard on duty what had happened to my foot, put on the belt, put my feet in the water, imagined getting in the water, and chickened out multiple times. Finally made myself slide into the water. Arms flailing, feet not working, basically hyperventilating from fear, I started my aqua-run. To keep the least amount of pressure on my foot I did wear one of the unfortunate looking belts to help keep me afloat.

So I kicked and sputtered and doggie-paddled my way through right around 30 minutes. At first it was really hard to deal with. My tendons all freaked out and couldn't quite decide if they should hurt or go with the flow of things. Eventually things got under control and my legs started figuring out what was going on.

I...well...I started out too fast. Even in aqua-jogging I guess I still do that. But my foot wasn't ready to go full speed ahead in the pool yet. So I took is slowly. I jogged for 10 minutes and then let my feet rest and swam using only my arms and then jogged again. So I went for 30 minutes. I could have done more but I figured 30 on the first day was probably enough. I'm still too afraid that it'll be sore. I found some sort of slow rhythm about 15 minutes in that worked pretty well. I shuffled back and forth in the pool telling myself that it really wasn't that pathetic looking.

It taught me something, I guess. Mostly it taught me not to be a snot about cross training. Also that everyone's got to start somewhere. And for me right here, right now, aquajogging at about a quarter of a mile an hour is a perfectly O.K. starting place. It's going to be a long and slow process for me. At first I despised this, but I've decided to be patient and roll with it.

The good news is that maybe because of the endorphins, maybe because of the water, maybe because of the movement, maybe because of the Aleve....my foot has started to feel a little bit stronger. Maybe now it can finally start to heal.

My Own Two Feet

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin? -Foo Fighters, Walk


The first adventure of learning how to walk again


Yesterday, later in the afternoon, I went down to see my school trainer who had talked with my doctor after I left...and I actually got a bit of good news. First off GIANT UGLY BOOT is gone!!!! I don't have to wear it anymore. I mean, I am still on crutches but at least I don't have to lug around that stupid thing. 


Also "partial weight bearing" actually turned out to be cooler than I thought. I get to actually walk. Well...not actually but I do get to put 50% of my weight on my foot. So, I can do this crippled little shuffle thing. It looks pathetic but really, I don't care. It's awesome. 


AND the last piece of good news: I get to aquajog and even swim if there is no pain. So I was doing this little happy dance and my school trainer yells "Merry Christmas" as I hobble down the hallway. 


So then I had to try walking again...I stood on my right foot and my left hovered over the ground and I just stared at it. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't put it down. I touched it to the ground, and then again as  if I was dipping it into a pool of steaming hot water. Finally I managed to get it on the ground, completely flat. phew. Next step: walking


This was even scarier. Like I said, I'm only allowed to put, at most, 50% weight on it, the rest still has to be on my crutches. I carefully carefully set it down and then quickly moved to the second foot. It was really sad to be honest. But at the same time, it IS still walking. I did that around the training room for almost 20 minutes as my PT watched me and reassured me that a little bit of pain was normal and that my foot was not going to shatter after putting weight on it. 


The next day I went back and we did the same thing all over again. It was comical and sad and exhilarating all at the same time. I ended up doing 3 slow, slow, laps around my school's recreational complex. It's strange to have to concentrate on actually putting my foot down each step. I took it so for granted when I could run that my feet just knew what to do, and where to go, and how to act. But yet they always did. I was never afraid of anything when I was running in downtown Milwaukee and darting across streets and running 10 miles at a time like it was nothing. Now, I'm terrified to put my foot on the ground. 


Walking again is really scary because I am still convinced that my foot could still break. It still hurts, and walking DOES hurt it. I know that that's normal given how swollen and hurt my whole foot still is, but it hardly seems normal that it still hurts so much. 


At the same time walking, is walking, crutches or no and so I will take it and not complain. I just need to get healthy and running will take care of itself in it's own time. 

A Hell of A Lot of Calcium

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.~Unknown


It's been 31 days since I've run. It's been 1 hour since I saw the doctor. 


That means that I have one hour of the next four weeks of my life completed. Which means I have 3 weeks, 6 days, and 23 hours left of crutches. 


I'm allowed to "partial" weight bear whatever that means. Apparently I'm allowed to put my foot on the ground sometimes while hanging on to my crutches for dear life. Oh, and I can't even do that if there's pain. 


Of course it's pouring out today. The weather and the events of my life have always had some sort of strange connection. I had 2 finals and the listening portion of my Spanish final today. And the doctor appointment. I'm unsure of why it is that when one thing goes badly everything has too. Is it better to get shit on all at once or take it little by little? I guess all at once gets it over faster, But it's a lot of poop to handle all at once. 


I have to find something else. I can't just sit here and waste away the next four weeks of my life. I don't know what to do to pull myself out of whatever this funk I've gotten  myself into. 


I'm going to need a little bit of help, and a hell of a lot of calcium.