On Finding What You're Searching For

"It's not about getting up every morning and getting a workout in. It's about getting up every morning and searching for your soul"

I wrote that quote. Yep. I absolutely just quoted myself. I wrote that quote years ago, when I write most of my own things, in my head, during a run. Everything intelligent or inspiring that I've ever thought, or probably ever will think has happened during a run. Almost four years after thinking that in my head during a sunrise run, I feel like I've finally run enough miles so that that soul search that I was on, has finally come to an end.

I definitely believe that it takes a long time to completely understand yourself, who you are, and who you're going to be. But it occurred to me that that particular part that I had been looking for, at that particular moment has finally been "found".

When I wrote that quote I was training to make nationals. I placed my identity in being faster than everyone else. In running. Mostly in success. And running is what I was successful in. If you've read this blog long enough you know. If it's your first time reading, I'm here to tell you that in the past I lived a very unbalanced and unhappy life back then. And it eventually destroyed me. I thought that being better, being faster, that was what I would find at the end of my search. But it wasn't.

My search for my soul was far from over when I wrote that. As it turns out, I wasn't even searching for the right thing, even though I was in the right place. I still found what I was looking for,  just later, and not in the way that I expected.

I don't know exactly when I found it, but I know it wasn't at NCAA National Cross Country Championships. It was somewhere at the bottom of a lap pool that I stared at the entire time my foot was broken and I couldn't run. It was somewhere along the lonely dark miles I've run since graduating from college. It was somewhere during a night run where the moon was so bright and the air so cold, that I felt the peace finally…to stop running.

My point is this my friends: I thought that running was where I would find my salvation, but running was just the channel that I found it through. I found peace once I stopped running away from things and when I started running toward things. I was placing my value in what other people thought of me, and not what I thought of myself. Other people saw me as fast, and skinny, and talented and that's what I wanted. I didn't consider, however, how I saw myself, and what value how you see yourself has.

Once I got injured and stopped running, I realized that the only way to stop the path of destruction that I was on was to stop measuring my worth through other people and to start measuring it through my own standards. Standards that I had, at that point, yet to create. You know where I was at. If you don't read through any of my posts from 2011. But here is where I came to be:

My proudest race ever is not nationals. It's not my 6kPR of 21:49 that I set at regionals. It's not either of the times that I won conference or any other race I've ever won. My proudest race happened only a little over a week ago when, after not racing for over a year I signed up for a 5k and I finished it. It wasn't my best race or my best time. I didn't win, I was second. But I got myself out of bed that morning and ran a race, in front of other people, even though I may never be as fast as I once was. But you know what? That race took a lot more determination than I thought I had, and that truly taught me about being strong. My proudest moments in running now, my new set of bragging rights, are in my training runs. Sometimes after a 13 hour workday, I hop on the treadmill at 9pm and I still bust out 6 miles of a temp workout. Or after those long days I'll take to the streets running mile repeats under the moon on a parkway I have all to myself. On Sundays I run about 20 miles, and those last 3 miles are some of the hardest for me, but I still make it. And sometimes, I take pride in having the strength to give up a workout for the sake of spending time with family, or on my schoolwork. And finally I have my peace.

On your own search, just remember that sometimes you end up where you didn't expect, and that turns out to be better….in the long run :)