I've Decided To Get Better

"Turns out healing isn't a random, mysterious, miraculous process. It's simply a decision you make when you decide you want to get better"

Surprise of the week #2. Not only can I walk, I can still swim fast. Well. O.K. not fast but pretty decent considering that I've lost all of the muscle mass in my left leg.

I aqua-jogged today. Which was...really boring. After the first half an hour I actually realized that my foot was feeling really good-especially when you consider how much I've been walking on it. I decided to take a chance. I strapped on my goggles and slowly took off my belt.

I started did two laps of breaststroke and then eased into freestyle. Kicking my leg and all. I CAN SWIM! Trust me, I was just as surprised as anyone. I honestly thought I'd make it half a length of the 50m pool and have to turn my sorry butt back around, but I kept kicking, I kept swimming, I kept going. For 25 minutes. The longest workout I've done since November 12. I'm still a little shocked honestly.

Sometimes I can't find a good or fitting quote for these posts and I make one up. Usually I just don't put a name after them but today I'll take credit for it. Despite my whole psychology undergrad degree I'd love nothing more than to be a writer someday. But anyways as I was saying: I came up with that quote while I was swimming today. I realized that healing isn't just something that happens to you no matter what you do. You have to want it to happen to. I wasn't ready to be healed even a couple weeks ago. There are many reasons for this and I won't bore you with all of them. But the pain was still to fresh and I was still too devastated. My leg simply couldn't be healed you see, because my mind wasn't ready for it to be yet.

What do you think? How much of healing is mental and how much is physical? Is it possible for the mental to either speed up or slow down the physical part of healing?

Either way...I am SO ready to be healed.

One Step At A Time Please!

Know your limits, then ignore them" ~John Mason

I can walk you know. This surprise Christmas present came two days late for me. But it still came nonetheless. 

I can't walk very well and it's a far cry from the pretty, long, graceful, strides I used to imagine myself running in. And I'm still nervous to do it without at least one crutch under my left arm but hey, it's a start. 

Originally, before the world caved in on me and my body decided not to heal we thought that I would only be on crutches for 4-6 weeks. During my last doctor appointment as you know, that got pushed back until January 13...which means a grand total of 9 long, long, weeks on crutches. This weekend (Christmas) marked the official 6 week mark since I had put any sort of weight on my foot, 6 weeks since I've run, 6 weeks since that dreadful moment during regionals where I blacked out and got myself a big, fat, DNF. 

So I finally decided that enough was enough. I went on a "walk" on my crutches yesterday. By the last few minutes my right hip, IT band, knee, and both my armpits were crazy sore from walking for so long using crutches. I decided I am not -NOT- going to take this lying down. So I walked a whole block on my foot. Slowly. Awkwardly. But walking. I had to make myself do it, make myself put my foot down, especially my heel. But I did it. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be walking this much but honestly, what's the worst that can happen? My foot breaks. ha. ha. ha. 

Still though...Victory. Huge victory. 

Today at  work while I was supposed to be filing psychological reports and entering data and ensuring that the patients are comfy in the waiting room,I spent a large amount of time learning how to walk using only ONE crutch instead of two. I'm not entirely comfortable using my heel just yet but I can hobble on the ball of my foot. I'm trying to work up the courage to do it without crutches but I need to also remember to go slowly, slowly,slowly. Not everything in life needs to be full speed ahead. Well...not right now anyways. 

So now I can walk from room to room and actually carry things because I'm only using one crutch instead of two. And I can put almost my full weight on the ball of my left foot. 

Because I'm going to be gone on New Year's here are Decemeber's failures and my goals for January. Full-on New Year's resolutions are coming later. 

December: 

1. GET RID OF CRUTCHES AND BOOT!!!!!  Well, I got rid of the boot and one crutch. Does that count?
2. Walk by December 12 (this will be 1  month since regionals) fail :(
3. Go on a bike ride by Christmas. Also fail...but hopefully only 2 more weeks until I can do this.
4. Go for a run on Christmas day. It doesn't matter if it's one mile, or one block, or one minute. I WILL do it. No comment.
5. Calcium...Protein....Alright I've been working on this. 90% faithfully taking my calcium supplements (hey, I'm human. I forget) Protein is something I could work a bit harder at. 
6. Get into graduate school. Applications sent and fingers crossed.
7. Stop neglecting ab workouts. Eh...I was doing good for awhile. 
8. Keep being my optimistic, happy, thankful for what I have little self. No matter how long I don't run for. This was harder than I thought, due to the fact that I thought the "No matter how long I don't run for" part wouldn't be as bad as it was. But still. I did it. 
9.  Stop biting nails At least I accomplished something. I think this has more to do with me not being nervous for races than my willpower. 
10. Go to early-season track practices every day on crutches. Be best captain possible on crutches. Learn names of all of my teammates Done. 

January:

1. GET RID OF CRUTCHES

2. Walk before I see my doctor again Walk before New Year's dang it!

3. Bike ride by the end of January

4. Start doing legit pool workouts

5. Start off the new semester  on the right foot (pun intended) no more slacking in school just because you can't run. 

6. Calcium. So. Much. Calcium. 

7. Find a yoga class and get your strength back. 

8. Be really really smart about food choices. Eat things that will make foot better. 

9. Try to start sleeping more

10. Find will to run again

Healing and Heels

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  -C.S. Lewis

 Soooo this is what 5 weeks of healing looks like....

Aqua-Noodling

"Maybe strong is just what you have left when you've used up all your weak."

Aquatic Fitness Adventures

12/18/11

So today I crutched back to the pool. It's not that my foot doesn't hurt. But it hurts constantly anyways so I might as well do something. And actually, compared to how much it used to hurt it actually feels a lot better after swimming. I think it's because swimming helps to flush all of that swelling out of my foot. And yeah, O.K. it makes me feel a bit better about myself. Less, you know, useless. 

I've developed a kind of system when it comes to what I do for my "workout". I do 10 minutes of either aquajogging with old lady aquabelt and then rest for 5. During those 5 minutes I don't move my legs but float and use only my arms to do laps. Repeat, repeat as many times as my foot can stand. It's not like it used to be, but I'll take it. All of the employees already know who I am and what I did to my foot so they all talk with me while I'm aqua jogging so it's not too terribly boring actually. In reality, I'm so exercise devoid that nothing is going to seem boring at this time. I feel pretty lucky that I get to do anything. So I'm not complaining. Right now, I get just as excited to go doggie-paddle for 45 minutes as I used to to to go on a 45 minute run. 

The best part though, is always the kids that are there. They don't look at me like I'm weird because I walk into a pool on crutches or because I aquajog slower than an 80-year old woman. The best was a little boy who asked me why I needed a belt. I told him it was because my foot was broken so I couldn't swim very well and I was afraid of sinking without it. After I got in we made eye contact and he goes "You're not sinking!" I yelled back "I told you I would float" and he said "no...you just told me you wouldn't sink.....It's basically like you're in a floating wheelchair right now." I just laughed and told him he had a good point. He stayed in the pool with his friends for a bit, playing games and telling me how many points they got from games that didn't seem to have a legitimate point system. (3,000 just for swimming down and back with one flipper on? Really?)


12/19/11
Today I found that while the young crazy kids go to the pool in the afternoon as I did yesterday, its the older in-shape women that show up on weekday mornings. No big deal or anything but this morning I was invited to join the "joints in motion class". Guess I look like someone who could use some water aerobics. 


I did get an excellent tip though. The "Joints in Motion" instructor suggested that I use a noodle instead of an aqua jogging belt. I figured I had nothing to lose really, so I tried it. Sitting on a noodle, it turns out works much, much, better actually than aqua jogging with the belt. Don't get me wrong it isn't better as in less pathetic....it's better...as in easier. Today then was a mixture of aqua jogging and aqua noodling and doggie paddling. Epic, I know. 


So here's how I adjusted yesterday's workout...15 minutes of aqua jogging to start out with. 5 min rest, 10 minutes of light, EASY, kicking, 5 minute rest, 15 minutes of aqua noodling. All said and done I'm up to being in the water for about 40 minutes at a time. Eventually either my foot starts to ache or I get to nervous that it's going to get hurt. I know, I KNOW that swimming is non-impact and can't make my stress fracture worse but that doesn't make it less scary. If we're being honest here I'm so scared that it'll hurt that after I get in I still panic for the first 30 seconds or so. 


Then after my workout I sat in the hot tub while all of the "Joints in Motion" ladies asked about my foot and warned me to be careful on the ice with my crutches. It was kind of like having a conversation with your grandma except I had like 3 of them all talking to me at the same time. 

It's something about the water but, I feel like now that I've started swimming and I'm in a slightly better place mentally my foot is slowly getting better. 

Cross Training Snob

"If you're going to make it, your desire for your dreams has to be greater than your fear of failure." 

 Let's be honest here. It's not something that I'm proud of but sometimes during those 90 minute pool workouts I used to chuckle at the old ladies doing their water aerobics. I'd get all proud of myself when I saw people who had to kickboard in between laps because they needed to rest. And people who aqua jogged? please.

I admit it: I'm a cross training snob. I tend to think that no other form of exercise can come close to what running does for you. And when I do cross train, I'm very hardcore about it.Anything that is not either excessive or extravagant is simply not worth it. As much as I hate to admit it, I scoff at people who are not the same way.

Today, however, that attitude dissipated a little bit. I am now one of those aqua-belt wearing, slow moving, water-treading people that I always laughed at. But, the fact that past Katie would have laughed at present Katie had she of known what I looked like aqua-jogging today is really not the point. The point is that I did something. I know, I know it's not really a good adventure but again, it's better than nothing.

Crutching to the pool from the locker room was only a little bit embarrassing. I guess it would have been a lot worse but I was so afraid of falling on my face, or worse, my heel, that I didn't really notice all of the people staring at the little crippled girl who came to do an old lady workout.

I sat on the edge of the pool for about 5 minutes daring myself to get in. In that time I told the lifeguard on duty what had happened to my foot, put on the belt, put my feet in the water, imagined getting in the water, and chickened out multiple times. Finally made myself slide into the water. Arms flailing, feet not working, basically hyperventilating from fear, I started my aqua-run. To keep the least amount of pressure on my foot I did wear one of the unfortunate looking belts to help keep me afloat.

So I kicked and sputtered and doggie-paddled my way through right around 30 minutes. At first it was really hard to deal with. My tendons all freaked out and couldn't quite decide if they should hurt or go with the flow of things. Eventually things got under control and my legs started figuring out what was going on.

I...well...I started out too fast. Even in aqua-jogging I guess I still do that. But my foot wasn't ready to go full speed ahead in the pool yet. So I took is slowly. I jogged for 10 minutes and then let my feet rest and swam using only my arms and then jogged again. So I went for 30 minutes. I could have done more but I figured 30 on the first day was probably enough. I'm still too afraid that it'll be sore. I found some sort of slow rhythm about 15 minutes in that worked pretty well. I shuffled back and forth in the pool telling myself that it really wasn't that pathetic looking.

It taught me something, I guess. Mostly it taught me not to be a snot about cross training. Also that everyone's got to start somewhere. And for me right here, right now, aquajogging at about a quarter of a mile an hour is a perfectly O.K. starting place. It's going to be a long and slow process for me. At first I despised this, but I've decided to be patient and roll with it.

The good news is that maybe because of the endorphins, maybe because of the water, maybe because of the movement, maybe because of the Aleve....my foot has started to feel a little bit stronger. Maybe now it can finally start to heal.

My Own Two Feet

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin? -Foo Fighters, Walk


The first adventure of learning how to walk again


Yesterday, later in the afternoon, I went down to see my school trainer who had talked with my doctor after I left...and I actually got a bit of good news. First off GIANT UGLY BOOT is gone!!!! I don't have to wear it anymore. I mean, I am still on crutches but at least I don't have to lug around that stupid thing. 


Also "partial weight bearing" actually turned out to be cooler than I thought. I get to actually walk. Well...not actually but I do get to put 50% of my weight on my foot. So, I can do this crippled little shuffle thing. It looks pathetic but really, I don't care. It's awesome. 


AND the last piece of good news: I get to aquajog and even swim if there is no pain. So I was doing this little happy dance and my school trainer yells "Merry Christmas" as I hobble down the hallway. 


So then I had to try walking again...I stood on my right foot and my left hovered over the ground and I just stared at it. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't put it down. I touched it to the ground, and then again as  if I was dipping it into a pool of steaming hot water. Finally I managed to get it on the ground, completely flat. phew. Next step: walking


This was even scarier. Like I said, I'm only allowed to put, at most, 50% weight on it, the rest still has to be on my crutches. I carefully carefully set it down and then quickly moved to the second foot. It was really sad to be honest. But at the same time, it IS still walking. I did that around the training room for almost 20 minutes as my PT watched me and reassured me that a little bit of pain was normal and that my foot was not going to shatter after putting weight on it. 


The next day I went back and we did the same thing all over again. It was comical and sad and exhilarating all at the same time. I ended up doing 3 slow, slow, laps around my school's recreational complex. It's strange to have to concentrate on actually putting my foot down each step. I took it so for granted when I could run that my feet just knew what to do, and where to go, and how to act. But yet they always did. I was never afraid of anything when I was running in downtown Milwaukee and darting across streets and running 10 miles at a time like it was nothing. Now, I'm terrified to put my foot on the ground. 


Walking again is really scary because I am still convinced that my foot could still break. It still hurts, and walking DOES hurt it. I know that that's normal given how swollen and hurt my whole foot still is, but it hardly seems normal that it still hurts so much. 


At the same time walking, is walking, crutches or no and so I will take it and not complain. I just need to get healthy and running will take care of itself in it's own time. 

A Hell of A Lot of Calcium

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.~Unknown


It's been 31 days since I've run. It's been 1 hour since I saw the doctor. 


That means that I have one hour of the next four weeks of my life completed. Which means I have 3 weeks, 6 days, and 23 hours left of crutches. 


I'm allowed to "partial" weight bear whatever that means. Apparently I'm allowed to put my foot on the ground sometimes while hanging on to my crutches for dear life. Oh, and I can't even do that if there's pain. 


Of course it's pouring out today. The weather and the events of my life have always had some sort of strange connection. I had 2 finals and the listening portion of my Spanish final today. And the doctor appointment. I'm unsure of why it is that when one thing goes badly everything has too. Is it better to get shit on all at once or take it little by little? I guess all at once gets it over faster, But it's a lot of poop to handle all at once. 


I have to find something else. I can't just sit here and waste away the next four weeks of my life. I don't know what to do to pull myself out of whatever this funk I've gotten  myself into. 


I'm going to need a little bit of help, and a hell of a lot of calcium.

Apathy

"It's not what you are that holds you back, it's what you think you are not." - Denis Waitley

This week, if you didn't already know. Is was a really, really, big week for every college student across America: Finals Week. As it's been said the 99% of your grade is based upon 1% of the semester. Usually for me, this means studying a minimum of 5 hours per exam, putting off everything else in favor of studying, and then being mad if I don't find them difficult enough for the amount of work I put in to studying. However, as with so much else, this year is different.

Instead of being the most studious person on the planet I find myself struggling for motivation, and not caring so much about the outcome. It's harder to stay off of facebook and I'd honestly rather clean my room than study. I don't know what's gotten in to me or where my motivation's gone. I'll probably power my way through my last two exams tomorrow fueled by an inappropriate amount of coffee. Unfortunately judging by how nervous I was about exams, I probably won't even be excited when they're over either. I wish I could get some sort of emotion squeezed in there.

Just because running is gone doesn't mean I shouldn't care about the rest of life right? But is it true? Does this happen to all athletes when they're injured...or maybe even does it happen to all people when they're injured. I'm not sure. All I know is that "normal" Katie should be spending 5-7 hours making up and answering possible essay questions and re-reading my textbooks for the upteenth time and sharpening her pencils. Yet...I haven't even started yet..

I hate that not running has that big of an impact on my life and motivation. But yet, it does.

All that said, my doctor appointment is tomorrow. I'm hoping to be crutch-free but I'm not exactly holding my breath. This also may be why I'm so distracted. Four exams in 3 days is enough. Four exams in three days plus finding out the fate of my foot is really too much.

Four Weeks of Eating Calcium

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are." - Rachel Naomi Remen


Am I ready to be healed? Has this whole journey thing been long enough to be healed? Is this process over with?


 I will have my answer...by Monday afternoon I will have seen my doctor and I will potentially be rid of the crutches...hooray! Today actually was the four week mark from when my foot originally broke. Can you believe it? Can it really have been four weeks on those awful crutches? Can it really have been four weeks since the last time I ran? Four weeks of willing myself to heal should do it, doncha think?


There's more though. I have to make sure that I'm healthy enough to run. I have to be ABSOLUTELY sure that I'm not going to be racing this spring and all of a sudden have my hip fracture, or fall during a race and break my kneecap, or whatever else. As much as it pains me to say this, after a difficult week this week, I've decided that even if my heel is better I'm still not running until we take a good long look at my bones and make  sure that they're O.K. As I've said before, your heel bone shouldn't fracture in only the span of a week. It just shouldn't happen. I need to know why. 


But here are all of the things that I HAVE been doing. Whenever I drink coffee or tea I automatically add milk or almond milk. I've been drinking a LOT of almond milk. What most people don't know is that it actually has TWICE the calcium content of regular milk. Pretty awesome huh? I also take my calcium supplements twice a day. That's a heck of a lot of calcium. I generally aim for 1500mg every day (this includes what I get from supplements). Most people don't realize  how much calcium we actually need on a day to day basis. The truth is that minimally you should be getting 1000mg per day. I'm aiming for 500mg more for well, obvious reasons.


Calcium Rich Foods:
Yogurt: Sometimes as high as 210mg per servings
Sardines: seriously have 500 mg of calcium per serving. I'm pretty sure this is only because when you eat sardines you're eating the fish's bones. ew. 
Tofu:  510mg per serving. 
Figs: 506 mg per serving.....weird  right? 


Fun Facts: 
-Calcium and vitamin C work together.  This mineral can be properly absorbed in your stomach if you have optimum levels of acid ph. 
-Too much calcium can be toxic
-Calcium is naturally found in stalactites.
-People need extremely regulated calcium level because our brains rely on it. If the level is too high or too low, our nervous system gets “nervous”


The best way that I do it is by taking supplements called "viactives" which are semi-not disgusting chewable vitamins that have 500mg of calcium a pop. They're not exactly like eating candy...but they could be much, much worse. Just don't get the chocolate ones. Get the caramel ones. 
Also, as I said I've been drinking tons and tons of almond milk...500 mg per cup!!! I am ALL OVER this bone rebuilding stuff. 


The only thing, nutritionally, that I'm still lacking in is getting enough protein. I don't really eat meat as it is, and I haven't really done much (besides the milk thing) to improve my protein intake. I can't be expected to concentrate on both calcium annnnd protein right? haha. But I'm working on it...it's a slow, sure process. 


This weekend may have been my last walk on crutches. My misshapen calf may soon get itself back into shape. I may soon get to walk again. I may soon get to run again. 

Better to Break Your Leg.....

"You know what I think? It's better to break a man's leg than his heart."

I can't watch running movies now that I'm injured. It's really just too much for me to handle. I haven't even had the desire to pop in one of the Pre movies, or anything else like that. However, on the late nights where my leg does hurt I throw in a horse movies from time to time.  O.K. that's a lie. I've been watching Seabiscuit pretty much constantly these past couple of days. And by that I mean when it ends I just restart it.

The reason I've grown attached to this movie is pretty obvious (semi-spoiler alert). During one part of the movie Seabiscuit's leg gets injured and he's pronounced lame. His jockey, Red, has also broken his leg. So they spend months trying to heal together and come back to win a huge national race. This movie is the only therapy that's working.

 It throws me off a little bit because Toby McGuire plays Seabiscuit's jockey and unfortunately I have yet to watch the movie without expecting webs to shoot out of his hands as he's riding, or for him to say something about his "spidey senses" when he knows he's about to win. Luckily, McGuire is a decent actor so I get over this by the time the movie hits its climax.

But mostly I just like it because, though disguised as a horse movie, it's about running. I fell in love with it after a horse breaks his foot and is about to get shot. A trainer looks at the men surrounding him and says "just because he's banged up a little doesn't mean you throw a whole life away." Yeah....It  was indeed that line alone that sold me on this movie. Along with the quote at the beginning of this post...."better to break a man's leg than his heart".

I've extended my crutch-walks now to an hour now, and I don't have to take breaks anymore. I have calluses on my palms, bruises on my sides, and crazy, crazy, sore muscles in my other leg from crutching/hopping around everywhere with only one good leg. I'm not convinced that this is really the best thing for me to be doing. Then again, I'm convinced that it's the only thing that I CAN do right now in order to keep sane.

At the same time, I'm so gun-shy right now. I feel like anything that hurts could be another stress fracture, every time I do something, I'm afraid something else will break. I just feel so....fragile...which is so different than the "nothing can touch me" attitude I've had my entire life. I used to believe I was invincible in a sense. And now, I'm not so sure.

I only have a week (less than) to get over this fear. And one week to do everything I can to heal. Not, of course, that I'm expecting to get to walk. But I'd still like to do everything to give me a shot at it.
-I started drinking milk. And almond milk (which surprisingly has more calcium than regular milk.)
-I take 500mg of calcium twice a day, every day
-I haven't even tested my leg out.I haven't done anything that I wasn't specifically given permission to do. I haven't set it on the floor, put weight on it, havent tried aqua-jogging or swimming. I almost never take the boot off and I don't even like to look at it for extended periods of time. You know, just in case. This is EXTREMELY unlike me. Usually I'm obstinate and daring like that. Usually I do what I'm not supposed to. But this time is different

I'm O.K. with whatever happens 3 days from now. I'm fully aware that I may have to be in the boot for longer. Or even on crutches for longer. All I care about is that I am able to run again someday. It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, or Monday, or even months from now. I care that once I do recover from this that it will be recovered and I won't have to deal with anymore injuries or fractures or what have you. All I want is to be able to be a runner for the rest of my life.

Team Bonding

"I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion."

-Mia Hamm

There are a lot of things that I miss about running. But  what I miss the most is my team. I feel left out when it comes to all of their stories, their running adventures. Don't get me wrong, I am at practice every day. I crutch around. I stretch with them. I eat with them. I hang out with them. But I miss running with them.  I miss dreading workouts with them. I miss dying during those workouts with them. My heart drops every time they discuss a workout together, and I know that I just can't be there. 


I have always thought that running builds one of the strongest bonds that people can have. I'm not completely sure how or what it is, but somehow running creates some sort of special bond. 


Maybe it's something about sharing something that you both love so much. Or, I have often thought that coming through the hardships that running provides ties people together for life. I've always depended on my training partners in a way that I've never depended upon any other people. It's true that I do prefer to train alone. But still, that can only get you so far. There's always going to be that one run, that one workout, that no matter how good of an athlete you are, you just wouldn't have been able to finish alone. I guess that's something else that I miss a lot. I miss them depending on me in that way. I miss being the one that can carry my teammates through a workout. But for now all I can do it watch. 


When I was in high school my coach literally fashioned a piece of rope which would tie our top 7 girls together and he would send us out on runs like that. At first it was frustrating, the first couple of us would be straining, and the last couple would be pulled along despite wanting to go slower. We fought. We complained. We tried slowing down and speeding up. But eventually, we found that the only thing that worked to make these runs easier was learning to run together as a team. Drastic? you may be thinking. Yes, yes it was. It was a literal way of making us "bond" as a team. That said, our team went on to win the state cross country title that year. When the newspaper articles came out in the sports sections the following week what they praised most about our team and credited our success to was our strong pack running. My coach made his point.  


In college I bonded with my team over long bus bus rides, and heartbreaking races, and dinners together and inside jokes and campfire stories. We go camping together, we have movie nights, dinner parties, ice baths and of course running too. They're the only ones that have seen my at my best and the ones who have seen me at the lowest too. And they're still there no matter what. 


I miss running. But more than anything I miss running with my teammates. No matter how successful I ever was, no matter how well I ran, what we accomplished together as a team was always greater. 

One. More. Week.

"Tough times don't last but tough people do." - A.C. Green 

I could be walking in a week you know. Next Monday is my next appointment with the doctor. Next Tuesday is my potential next x-rays. 


Am I excited? 


Well no, not really. I'm terrified. I realize that getting rid of the crutches and huge ugly boot seems as though it's something that the average person would be excited about, however this is not really true. Because, you see I'm really really afraid for what it's going to be like to try to walk again after 4 weeks of not walking. Also, as you may have guessed, if I try walking again I run the risk of it hurting, which means I run the risk of discovering that it's not healed. My foot still hurts a lot and I'm afraid that getting rid of the crutches will get my hopes up too much and all it will do is serve to remind me that I still can't run. I'm afraid that walking will hurt more than crutches do. I'm afraid of how slow I'll run when I re-start running. I'm afraid that something else will break... I'm afraid to start running again. 

In addition I'll miss all of the cool things I get to do on crutches. I won't get to go on walks with crutches. I'll have to actually use both of my feet...JUST when I was getting super fast on crutches too! I'll miss people being so nice to me. I mean, normally people don't go out of their way to open the door for you, or do your laundry for you. Oh, yeah and I'll of course miss how incredibly good crutches make you look as an accessory. hah! I'm kidding of course. 

I can't believe that it will have been over 4 weeks since the last time I put weight on my foot. 

one more week 

one more week

one more week

Keep your fingers crossed for me please

The Discovery of Flight

" Adventure is worthwhile in itself." -Amelia Earhart

Just a heads up: yes i had an address change and a title change along with some design changes. but don't worry it's still me :) I just had to make my corner of the internet a little more private. eh...it was time for a change anyways. I kind of like the new look. hope you do too!


I re-designed my new blog rather quickly. It was kind of short notice but it needed to be done. Sorry for any confusion.

I miss "Miles to Go" because it's become such a big part of me over these past few months, and carried a really deep meaning for me. 

The reason behind "Learning to Fly" is I suppose kind of deep as well. I started connecting running with flying back in high school. I pictured running across an open field as flying. Not as running. 

So now here I am, years later. The origional meaning of it, has already been done. I've run fast, I've come close to "flying" but now, I can't even walk. I have to start all over. 

For now, the meaning of this blog is my story of learning to fly all over again. Once my foot heals I'm going to have to learn to stand on it again. Next, I'll have to learn to walk on it again. To run on it, and finally to fly on it again. 

For the next few months my posts will be dedicated to my recovery and discovering how to fly again someday. Meanwhile I'll be learning about myself and who I am along the way.

I Always Wanted Smaller Quads Anyways

"The thing that's really hard and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and learning how to be yourself"


Injury ...Week 3 

Things are so different when you go from running 50 miles a week to sitting on your butt 50 hours a week. The first is that I'm no longer tired. I'm no longer hungry, no longer thirsty. When I was training everything that my body told me was directly correlated to the amount that I was running. If I did a speed workout I knew I needed a lot of protein for dinner.. An hour or more of running meant that I needed some carbohydrates for breakfast. But now I have no way to know what to do or what not to do. Only that I need more calcium so that my bones get better.

In the same way running 50 miles a week meant 8 hours a night. No ifs, ands, or buts. But now there is no sleeping. I'm not tired and the pain in my foot is too much for any more than 3 hours in a row.  Part of this is due to not being tired. Part of this is due to pain. Part of it is due to my foot going numb at night because of the boot. I had two nights this past week where I went to bed with giant ugly boot on my foot and woke up with giant ugly boot laying halfway across the room. Not sure exactly how this happened, but it gave me a good laugh in the morning...though the ditching of the boot at night does make for a very very painful next day.

I have, for as long as I can remember, been jealous of tall girls with long, skinny, legs. Mine have always been rather short and muscular. From my perspective my calves were always too big, my quads too defined, my shin muscles freaks of nature. But surprise! I took off my boot the other day to look at my left calf and everything is...gone. I have barely any muscle tone left in it. It's not hard muscles anymore but just loose flesh hanging there. Perhaps you truly cant appreciate what you have until it's gone. My massive hamstrings, and calves, and quads were all parts of who I was am. I need to stop chasing after my crazy ideas of "perfection" and celebrate who I am a little bit more. Giant quadriceps and all.

 I suppose -if nothing else-that's the good that has come from these three long and confusing weeks. That maybe you don't have to be perfect all the time, that maybe you're allowed to break every once in awhile. Learning that I can't be perfect all the time is maybe the underlying lesson here. And more importantly, that no one expects you to be perfect all the time, well except maybe yourself.

Is it  normal that once you've accepted something like this to start embracing it though? I had someone tell me today that even though I'm on crutches I'm still always smiling. Which is true now that I think about it. It doesn't mean that I miss running any less, or that my foot feels any better. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I miss running, but I'm not angry about it anymore. For now I'm just waiting until I find what that reason is. I can't change what happened so I might as well make the most of it in my present and future.

December To Do List

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies”

Sorry in advance that this post is a little random. I've got a lot on my mind these days and far far too much time to think. Usually I do all my thinking once a week on a nice 10 mile run. But now it's  not so easy. 

Look at this. http://4w.stack.com/2011/11/29/gabriele-anderson/ 

Seriously? This girl had cancer. twice. and recovered. twice. and is now going to the Olympics. I don't remember the last time I ever found something so inspiring and applicable. I mean, if she can do it...I can get over a broken foot right? ...right? I mean it's sort of a reality check for me. I've been doing relatively well but this right here really makes me see how good I have it. 

I don't know about 10k's this spring. Or about running at all. But I'm still planning on a marathon next fall. And a century ride this spring. So I told my coach that running or no running my teammates are still the most important people in the world to me and I will be there every day whether I'm running, or on my bike, or driving them to the pool for cross training, or on crutches. I've been in love with running my whole life. Not running for 6 months isn't going to change that.

But really being on crutches isn't all that bad. Everyone opens the door for me when they see me coming. And cars actually stop for me when I cross the street. And it's brought me much, much, closer to almost everyone in my life. And I don't have to do my own laundry anymore.

And let's be honest. One of my favorite things about running was really to do things that no one else could do, to push myself harder, to run longer. What can I say? I like people to think I'm crazy. So really all I have to do to achieve that same feeling is go on a walk with my crutches for an hour. I mean, really...who does that? Me I guess. Somehow, even though I'm not running my teammates, the people at my school, they all still think I'm crazy...and for some reason they all still think I'm fast.

 I went to the mall on Tuesday just to do a few laps in a warm environment and get some blood flow back to my legs and be able to think a bit. Surprisingly a lot of people genuinely asked me what happened. One of them being the nice guy who was playing Santa Claus. So, when he asked I crutched over there and told him my story. He expressed how sorry he was and I responded "Well, if you could please bring me a new calcaneus bone for Christmas I'd really appreciate it."  ho.ho.ho.

Since it's the first day of December here are my month goals:
1. GET RID OF CRUTCHES AND BOOT!!!!!
2. Walk by December 12 (this will be 1  month since regionals)
3. Go on a bike ride by Christmas.
4. Go for a run on Christmas day. It doesn't matter if it's one mile, or one block, or one minute. I WILL do it.
5. Calcium...Protein....
6. Get into graduate school.
7. Stop neglecting ab workouts.
8. Keep being my optimistic, happy, thankful for what I have little self. No matter how long I don't run for.
9.  Stop biting nails
10. Go to early-season track practices every day on crutches. Be best captain possible on crutches. Learn names of all of my teammates

The Things About Me Which Are Not About Running

"Dreamers are not people disconnected from reality. Dreamers are people fully connected to reality's potential.”

There's very little that this blog says about me besides about running. If we're being realistic here, there's little that I say about myself even in every day life which is not about running. When it comes to personal issues I am actually quite a private person, and I don't share my daily emotional struggles or deeper issues.

However, there's something to be said about focusing on the aspects of my life which are not about running. For now anyways. At the soonest I'm halfway through the crutches phase of my injury. So that means that at the soonest I can try to walk in about two weeks. But it might be longer. I still have a long, long road in front of me. Maybe it's time to start focusing not on what I'm not doing (i.e. RUNNING) and think about the things that I am doing. There's more to life than being a runner you know. (yes, yes, I know. It's about time I took my own advice)

Apart from not running there are a lot of things going on in my life right now. I'm up to my neck in graduate school applications. I know you all know that I like psychology but what I'm actually hoping to do is start a whole new field of psychology when I get out of grad school which deals with the legal rights of rape/harassment victims.  There are people deal with the physical and legal side of these crimes. However, there aren't very many who deal with the psychological ramifications.

I used to play the flute a lot too. I was actually in band for close to 10 years and even got myself a flute scolarship. I'm not by any means "talented" but I was good enough by the time I got to college.  I dropped band after my sophomore year  because it interfered too much with my upper level psychology classes.

I like to paint as well. When I was going through that angst-y time in high school I used to paint pictures all the time-one of them even went to our conference's art show one time. Again, I don't do it as much because I don't have unlimited time but maybe it's something I can pick up again.

And as if you can't tell I like to write. In high school I was the editor of our student newspaper the "Warrior Times Weekly"  Aside from that I've kept a journal since the time I was in fifth grade. So yes, my entire life is documented. I've done a little bit of poetry and some short stories. And of course, my blog. I went through a very long period of time in my life when I wanted to be a journalist for the New York times.

I like bright colors, and loud music that I can dance to. I'm obsessed with horses because they can run fast. I would do anything for a pet horse actually.  I love Disney movies most but also movies about horses and pirates and superheros.  I want nothing more than to be my own person and be known for that. My favorite time of day is 6am because it's quiet and I love nothing more than to watch the sunrise. I still jump in leaf piles and climb up snow piles. Whenever it thunderstorms I always watch it. Sometimes I go outside and dance in the rain. I'm obsessed with all things organic because I just feel "better".   I'm really bad at Spanish and really good at English.  I like drinking tea late at night while doing homework. I think sleeping is a huge waste of time. I feel lazy whenever I get more than 6 or 7 hours. When I'm not at school I dedicate a large amount of time volunteering at humane societies.

I've said before that running is the greatest gift I've ever been given. But this isn't true. The greatest gift, is life. Even though I can't run, I'm also trying so hard not to forget this and to celebrate life every day.

One-Legged Adventures

"Some hearts do not need speed training, they were just simply made to give life everything"


 I like to go on adventures with my crutches. Just because I can't run does not mean my sense of adventure will be dissuaded in any way shape or form. Over this past Thanksgiving break I've been taking countless adventures with my crutches..

I went walking a lot...er...crutching. There's something soothing about being about to get out and walk around my town.

Though going on walks on crutches is easier said than done. Now that it's November in Wisconsin and finally getting cold it's also pretty slippery. So I have to be really really careful not to lose my balance. That said I lose my balance at least once every five minutes, try as I might. Usually this is primarily due to my foot moving too fast for my arms to keep up with.






Nothing's really changed though. On all of my runs I start out too fast. Always have, always will. It's well known by both my coach and all of my teammates that I'll on average start out 30 seconds per mile faster than I'm supposed to be targeting. Now, I don't know how paces convert properly to crutches. However, I do know that if there is such a thing as crutch-sprinting that's what I do for the first half mile or so.... unfortunately I am then exhausted for the remainder of the walk. But you know what? If I get to feel awesome for half a mile...it's totally worth it.

This is me getting ready for my walk....I realize that it's not really what most people expect to see an injured person doing but I don't care. And yes, in case they don't stare enough I decided to wear a neon pink sweatshirt.

AND on days when it's really slippery outside I'll go to the mall and get my exercise instead....and a bit of retail therapy as well.

And finally of course puppies always help to cure  broken heels and broken hearts and broken spirits. I spent a lot of time cuddling with my puppy after I got done with my walks.

This week's goal: go to the pool and kick my legs in the water...and try to flex my foot all the way.
Two more weeks until my next x-rays. Two more weeks till maybe getting to walk again.

About Being Thankful

"Happiness isn't getting everything you want. It's being thankful for everything you have"


You know what I'm not thankful for? Having a broken foot. Not thankful for crutches, or the first Thanksgiving that as long as I can remember, I haven't gone running during for my own version of "thanksgiving".


 Do I miss running? Do I ever. It hurts too much to even think about running right now. I miss the endorphins, the rush, the tired legs, the wind, the speed. I miss the smell of fall and the feel of running shorts and the freedom of it all. The freedom of using nothing but my own power to get somewhere, and knowing that no one in the world can know exactly where I am. But if being injured has taught me anything it's that everything that I have is precious. Life can change in an instant, in one wrong step, all before you realize that the change is even occurring.


So this Thanksgiving for me isn't about turkey and cranberries or football or a vacation from school. And sadly it's not about a 10 mile run at 5 in the morning to show my thanks for the greatest gift that I've ever been given.


No, this year I'll be focusing on being thankful for everything that I do have left and never taking anything for granted. Each instant, each run, because you never know which will be your last. 


I'm so thankful for people that love me enough to take care of me. I don't like to be taken care of, and I tend to be too independent for my own good. But I'm so thankful that they insist on taking care of me anyways no matter how many times I declare "I'm fine"

I don't know how I would have navigated through these past two weeks without them. It wasn't until I couldn't run that I realized how much my teammates and my friends really cared for me. Or maybe, I just never stopped running long enough to notice before this.

 I'm thankful for eating turkey and stuffing and cranberries and calcium supplements. For the good leg that I do have and the fact that at least my patellofemoral is healed.I'm thankful for the torture rest that is finally being forced upon me. I'm thankful for my parents and my dog and the rest of my wonderful family, the rest of my wonderful life. And so much more.

Lucky me :)

Because It's Who You Are

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Helen Keller




I have to something you know. I can't just be expected to sit here on the couch watching "Legally Blonde" and "Mulan" for the next 6 weeks. It is actually of great interest to me to know what people who are not runners do in all their spare time. So much of my life has always revolved around workouts and races that now I'm just left with this giant, empty, void. I used to plan my outfits, my meals, my sleep, my hair, my showers around my runs. Everything was because of running.


So now if you think about it...that means that I have to re-arrange everything in my life according to not running. I mean, do I really need 8 hours a night? not really....Do I need to make sure I get enough protein, enough vitamin C? I suppose it doesn't matter since I'm not depleting my body anymore with running. I can in fact, wear nice clothes and do my hair without feeling as though it's going to be a waste of time anyways. 


The point however, is that this resting thing really isn't for me. Suuuure I tried it out for a week or so, but that's not really who I am. I always thought that the best parts of me were because I run. I thought that my determination, my craziness, my persistence...were all from running. As I said above, ever since grade school my life has revolved primarily around running. So, I figured, who I am too, was shaped and formed based upon the fact that I run. 


But maybe instead, I chose running because I already possessed the qualities that it takes to be a runner. Maybe it's not so much of running making me who I am, but who I am making me a runner. At the very least its a comforting thought now that I can't run. 


This all became very clear to me two days ago. On Saturday, one week after the incident, I decided that it was time to stop moping around and time to do something. So I got my ipod and one running shoe and I headed out the door-with my crutches-on a "walk". Or as I prefer-a "pretend run".


I had two people stop me and ask me if I needed a ride and one guy (who clearly MUST have been a runner himeself) simply asked me what happened and after evaluating simply said "nice pace".   I went on a 40 minute pretend run that day. At the time I didn't think anything of it. I was simply trying to get myself in a better mood, get some of those old endorphins flowing again and try to clear out the cobwebs that have developed in my brain over the past week or so. 


However, when I mentioned doing this people were startled that I really went out on a 40 minute walk on crutches. I didn't think it was a big deal, just something I wanted to do. Just like how every other day of my life people think that insane to love ten mile runs or a 90 minute pool workout. Maybe I'm not like this because I'm a runner. Maybe I've always been like this, and that's why I love to run as much as I do. 


One week down. If all goes well I could be walking in 3 more weeks! 
But luckily whether I'm walking or swimming or crutching after those three weeks I know that no injury can take away the person that I am, I just have to find a different way to be that person for now. 

No Regrets

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life" -Greenday, Good Riddance 


There's a lot going on for me. A lot I'm trying to figure out. But here are the things that, no matter what happens this spring, I am sure of. 


I’m a double major in Psychology and Communications so there have been thousands of lectures, hundreds  assignments, countless essays and presentations.  But for me, all of those lessons were purely academic. My third major has always been running.

When I came in as a freshman I never considered myself “good” at running and I almost didn’t go out for cross country. But Coach Travis convinced me to give it a shot and that’s how it all began.  The four amazing years that followed, taught me things that I could have never learned in a classroom alone. I learned about never giving up, how to have confidence, and what it means to truly believe in yourself. I found that as long as you believe you can accomplish all that you set out to do.

I never really “believed” until my junior year, and that’s when I made it to NCAA Nationals, that’s when I broke records, that’s when I learned what loving running is all about.

Sure there have been negatives. There have injuries and bad races and disappointments.  Nothing is worse than putting all of yourself into running a race and coming out with nothing to show for it but rubbery legs and a broken heart. But in the end I wouldn’t trade a single moment of it for the world.  Even with those disappointments that came about, the bad races, the injuries, there is not one thing, not one mile that I will ever regret.

On a personal note, I believe that cross country and track has done more than just made me a fast runner. It’s made me a stronger person overall. Reflecting back I can see clearly now that my legs are stronger, my lungs are stronger, but more importantly my friendships are stronger, my faith is stronger, my “self” is stronger.

I’ve come to realize that I have the best teammates in the world. We may be a small team but there’s no one like us. There’s no other people in the world that loves making puns like we do, exploring Milwaukee when we get lost on our distance runs, or can make me laugh like they do. They’re also the people  who painted their bodies and drove to Nationals to watch me last year, who know me best, who carried me through hard workouts, who carry my when I’m on crutches, who don’t forget me even though I can’t run. I think that when you run enough miles with someone you develop a special kind of bond that can never be broken. 

I’d like to tell you that the best moment of my career came at the end of a particularly successful race, or one moment where I discovered how much I love running, or one “breakthrough” workout. But this is not the case. The best moment of my running career is the culmination of thousands and thousands of miles that introduced me to some of the best friends I will ever have, while together we used cross country to celebrate our common gift: running.