My love-hate affair with bicycling

"Cyclophobia: a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of bicycles, despite conscious understanding by the phobic individual and reassurance by others that there is no danger"

Yup. My extensive knowledge of psychology has enabled me to diagnose my excessive fear of falling off my new bicycle. Don't believe me? It is indeed a real disorder.
Read this ---> http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/cyclophobia/symptoms/

So. What exactly am I afraid of? First and foremost I'm afraid of falling off of my bicycle. Fear of going uphill {because it hurts my quads} fear of going downhill {too fast!} Fear of a bug flying into my throat/eyes/ears/nose while biking. Fear of extreme chafing due to biking. Fear of getting hit by a car while biking. You get the idea. Maybe underlying it all is the more I bike the more the reality hits that I can't run. Fear of never getting to run again.

 I've spent this whole past week learning about riding my bike. Riding a road bike is quite a bit different than going out for a ride. It's much more intense. Or at least...I feel it should be.
The first day I did two bike rides at 9-10 miles each. On a flat bike trail {for safety in case of falling off!!!}. The second day I went biking with my mom. This was probably not the best decision. Seeing as how I'm an inexperienced biker a great majority of the ride was characterized by my mom telling me things and me not wanting to listen {not because she doesn't know what she's talking about but because she's my mom and I'm stubborn}.

I've ridden the same route the past two days now. I combined my favorite running loops and then I hit up the good old {SAFE!} bike trail for the last few miles. This is one thing that I've really come to like about biking. With running you have to be careful of your miles. Always making sure you don't do too many. But with biking I can just pick it up and be up to a bunch of miles a pop within a week. I also like the feeling of going really fast. Let's be honest, you may feel fast when you run but to passing motorists, or people watching you're not really moving that quickly.  Even if you are a slow biker {ahem} you are still moving pretty fast. On the flip side the faster I go the more intensely I fear falling off.

I hate biking on a busy road. I'm not 100% sure that I will be able to adequately get myself and my bicycle to safety in the incidence of a rogue car. I suppose I could always ride it into the ditch but I'd rather not do that. I always  thought that motorists were particularly rude to runners and was always somewhat offended when they blew past me. I've found that this is NOTHING when compared to how horribly they treat bikers.
I also hate biking into the wind. If you have never experienced it, it is the most strenuous thing I have ever felt in my life. I equate it to either 1. Running consistently uphill for 10 miles or 2. Swimming against a current. This morning I went into the wind for over half of my ride. Note: yelling at/cursing at/growling at the wind does NOT make it die down. {It was worth a shot}

Biking is however, a good analogy for life. And I enjoy its applicability to every day. Alot of times it seems like no matter what you do, where you turn you are always battling a strong headwind. Sometimes it seems like the whole dang world is uphill. But eventually the wind calms and there's always a downhill that follows an up.

Enough philosophizing for one day.

 7 days until I can try running again.

"Your fears are not walls, but hurdles. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquering of it."
                                                                                      -Dan Millman

Not the Same

Swimming is so meditative. So peaceful. So challenging and physically demanding. It requires inner and outer strength. Swimming is not the same as running.
Biking builds your endurance. It gives you massive quads. It gives you a fabulous tan. It's so rhythmical. Its a fantasitic way to get away from the rest of the world. But biking is not the same as running.
Ellipticalling is horrible. And boring. Elliptical is not the same as running.
Ab workouts make you look good in a swimsuit (unless you, like me only wear one pieces because swimming should be about workouts and not about strutting around in a bikini). Ab workouts make you feel like you're doing an intense workout. They give you core strength. Ab workouts are not the same as running.
Yoga is a good stretch. Yoga helps you center yourself. Yoga helps you focus. But still. Yoga  is not the same as running.

One more week and two days until my next attempt to run.
 Thinking about running is not the same as running.

Why Not Tri?

"Learn to ride a bike. You will not regret it if you live" 

-Mark Twain

{The first epic adventure of a runner  swimmer learning to ride a bicycle.}


  I bought a bike yesterday. I seriously couldn't help myself. I saw it and I was a goner. It is easily the best, most beautiful thing I have ever owned. Possibly the most expensive as well.
I'm going to be honest right away. I do not deserve this bike. I do not deserve to ride this bike. I do not deserve to own this bike. I do not deserve to look at this bike with the intention of getting on it.  When someone drives past and whistles out their car window I will  know it is not directed towards me. It will be directed towards my bike.

Instead I deserve a bike with training wheels and a horn and streamers. I don't deserve to own a grown-up road racing bike. Why?....I am NOT a good biker. {Now, this isn't necessarily my fault per se. I've never owned a real live bike. The last one I got I bought in the 7th grade and let's just say I got it at Kmart. It served me well for many many years. But it's a bit tired. And I'm a bit too old.}


So back to my new bike. I walked into the bike store with my mom and my boyfriend {both of whom are avid bikers} with absolutely no intention of buying a bike. I do not bike. I run {though not recently} and I swim. So I'm just looking around minding my own business while my mom and boyfriend drool over these fancy bikes that are worth more than my car. The nice salesperson comes up to me and asks if I want to try a bike. I explained my situation to him of course. I told him that I am not a good biker and that no way in the world do I deserve one of these fanciful things that look like the ones Lance Armstrong rides. I WILL fall off...I try to explain to him. The next thing I know I'm on one of these bikes. I ride this bike for a total of 2 seconds. I fall in love within the first second. I go home that night with a bike.


The fact that I now own a bike, and have fallen head over heels in love with said bike, unfortunately does not change the fact that I am not a good biker.


I am good, however, at pretending to be a good biker. I wear spandex. I also bought this really hard-core looking helmet. This is good for two reasons. 1. No one can tell who I am because the helmet disguises me and 2. It's a sweet helmet. Therefore I am able to deceive people  into thinking that I'm actually a good biker, and do not fear falling off from the second I get on to the second I get off.

My bike and I went out this morning for our first ever ride together. To do some bonding. I still don't deserve to ride her, but my A.M. ride went better than I expected. Meaning of course, that I did not fall off {yay}. In fact not only that but I actually felt kind of {gasp} speedy!!! Kind of. Or at least having such an excellent bike made me feel more speedy than I actually was.

 I may not be the female version of Lance Armstrong but it looks like I've found one more thing to distract me in my time of no running. Who knows? I may even grow to love biking like I've grown to love swimming. I don't know if I will ever be a competitive biker but maybe someday when I run again, when I stop being afraid of falling off the bike...maybe I'll give this whole swim-bike-run thing a tri.

Swimming Lessons

I've learned a lot about myself through swimming. This much is obvious. All that deep stuff about why I run and how swimming has taught me about persevering...yada yada yada. That you've read before.
Today, during my 88 laps (4 kilometers)  I realized that there's a lot that I learned about other people through swimming...not just myself.

There is swimming etiquette 
For example: if you walk into the pool and all of the lanes are full you're going to have to ask someone to share a lane with them. There are several tactical ways of doing this. Usually you awkwardly make eye contact with a stranger. The intital eye-contact between two strangers is always awkward. This awkwardness doubles when you both happen to be wearing goggles. It's much, much harder to catch someones eye when they have no peripheral vision.
 You then ask if you can split the lane with them. They will normally tell you to jump in. If they see you come in and even make eye contact, but keep swimming this means that no way do they want to share their lane with you. If you REALLY need to talk to them because every other lane is already doubled you put your hand down at the end of the lane which is, apparently a signal for them to surface. I had no idea that there were rules either but there are. And let me tell you, people are not as nice as you would expect! I always assumed that if you ask people would let you split their lane with them. This is not true. Also there is no talking during lap swimming. Don't try to be friendly. People usually aren't receptive.

We do not outgrow peeing in pools after the age of 5 
Here's the thing. When you are lap swimming you often have to pee. I get that. You're surrounded by water. You probably hydrated in anticipation of your pool workout. But please, just get out for 5 minutes and go use the actual toilet. I know you think that no one knows that you are peeing but here is some news: you're not sneaky. When a person stops swimming for no apparent reason (stretching, water, cramp) and stands in the shallow end for like 25 seconds and looks around awkwardly and then resumes swimming there is an all-to-obvious answer for what just transpired. Think about it. That water goes in my nose, my mouth, my ears. Chlorine is a chemical,yes, but it not a sterilizer. Please. Stop peeing in my pool.

Smaller speedos do not equal better swimmers
I do not know where this misconception came from. Swimmers, especially middle-aged men, seem to think that the smaller the suit they put on, the faster they swim. I am not a male so I do not know. Perhaps wearing something that embarrassing may motivate you to get your workout done faster so that less people see you. That is the only solid reasoning I can see for it.
There is nothing in the world that so burns in my memory as the day someone stood at the end of my lane to ask to share with me. As I looked up from the pool all I saw was a middle-aged, semi-overweight man in a speedo 7 times too small. My eyes have never recovered.
So what about small speedos makes people think they can swim better? My speedo is not too small, and I can swim 3 miles without stopping. In my opinion there is nothing in this world that qualifies you to wear something like that. When you win everything from the 400 free to the 100 butterfly in the 2012 Olympics come talk to me.
As a general rule of thumb one's speedo should always be larger than their swim cap.

Swimmers have no qualms about nakedness
I'm a fairly conservative person. I'll admit that right off the bat. Besides being conservative I'm also decently modest. This holds especially true amongst people that I don't know. First impressions mean everything right?  When I change I do it quickly. Wet swimming suits are sometimes hard to peel off. . But once it is off , dry clothes should be put back on as quickly as possible. Today, an older lady walked around the locker room for about 10 minutes while searching for her towel. Completely naked. As if my eyes hadn't already been burned out forever by speedo guy I'm now permanently scarred by naked lady. This is why we wear goggles and swim caps. If we ever meet in the real world we won't recognize one another and pass out from embarrassment.
I have even seen ladies sitting on chairs/benches completely naked. I never do this for obvious reasons. But it never ceases to amaze me that they will do this but refuse to walk around the locker room without flip flops on. After that they're really going to worry about germs on their feet?

Swimmers are a lot like runners
Now that I've picked on them I should also say that there is something about swimmers that I've really come to respect and admire. It takes a lot to jump into a cold pool of water every day. It's not like running, it's a full body workout and it takes quite some time to get used to. I've always tried to motivate people to run by saying that anyone can get out there and run a mile. Not everyone can swim. For that I have a deep respect for truly talented swimmers. Their endurance is incredible. What it boils down to is that they are a hard core bunch of athletes for a deep-seeded love for what they do. Sure they're a little quirky, but aren't we all?

Why Running? Why Me?

“For me it was always a simple passion" Lance Armstrong


Here I am again. Not running. *sigh*
It's a very very complicated situation to explain...but that's not what this post is about so I'll be brief. My right leg? Where I had IT band syndrome is still a little messed up. To tell you the truth that leg and I are fighting right now. I'm not even going to acknowledge it's existence until I get clearance from the doctor to run after my appointment on Tuesday. (after I hopefully get clearance that is-cross your fingers please!)

However, instead of wallowing in self-pity about not running I'm using this time to reflect on all of the reasons that I DO run. Sometimes, being a collegiate athlete includes a lot of pressure connected to running. There's something about the demand to perform week after week that drains me in a way that has nothing to do with my love of running but everything to do with my self-induced drive towards unattainable perfection. In short, knee pain aside, I needed a break anyways. As I found myself desperately praying for it to heal the other night (deja vu) I suddenly came to the realization that while this sucks, a little recovery might be the best for me right now. Physically, sure. My legs are tired. But mentally? Maybe running and I need a little time apart to remember why we love each other. Yes, this whole not running thing sucks. But I understand.

So in the silence found only in the bottom of a lap pool during a 65 minute swim here are some of the things that I've forgotten over the years.

1. Fate! I'm not good at other sports. I was too small for basketball, to short for volleyball, to much of a tomboy for ballet. My high school didn't have a soccer team. Clearly I was always meant to be a runner. Jokes aside...for some reason...I was always meant to be a runner.

2. Freedom.The tight circles we run around a track sometimes make me forget that running for me has always been about being free. There's something special about the knowledge that by my own power alone I can get 10 miles away from anything and no one can find me.

3. Meditation. I've worked through every problem I've ever had in life through running. When my first serious relationship fell apart I stopped and cried my eyes out at mile number 3. By the time I made it through my run I knew I would be able to make it through this too. When I fought with friends I ran. When I fought with my parents I ran. Three miles takes care of work stress. Five miles can take care of a bad grade. Seven miles takes care of relationship problems. Ten or more miles can solve almost everything else.

4. Drive. Running is a chance to become more than myself -to PR, to better my times,to become stronger, faster. Running pushes me to explore my boundaries and discover a lot about my inner strength, to chase down the impossible.

5. "And I think to myself what a wonderful world" I've never seen anything more beautiful than when I'm running. At mile 7 tiredness may set in, but that doesn't mean that when I turn a corner and find myself running into the sunrise that I don't notice, that I don't get shivers  running down my spine. I've never felt more alive than the days that I'm running and all of a sudden the sky opens and rain pours out of it. I may be mud-streaked and look like a wet rat when I get back but hey, I'm happy. I've actually stopped running at times (this is usually a huge no-no for me) because I get to the top of a hill and I look around and I can't get over what I'm seeing.

6. Thanks. Each person is given several different gifts over the course of their lifetime. Some people get the gift of a brain that can solve equations, some people get the gift of music,--the ability to understand a beautiful, wordless language, some get the get the gift of writing etc...you get the idea. Mine happens to be endurance running. I had a personal trainer back in high school who explained it this way: (I was nervous about a workout and cranky because I didn't want to do it.) He looked at me and said "Running is a gift that has been given to you. How many people get a gift that they get to use every day?  You should wake up every day and say to yourself 'Today is a good day, because today I get to use my gift'".  Point taken. I've been thankful for that gift ever since.

7. Release. I have always had and will always have too much energy for my own good. I don't know where it comes from, but without running I cannot sleep. I cannot sit still. I can not focus. I can barely have a normal conversation. If I am to function acceptably in everyday society I must continue to run.

8. Identity. For too long have I identified myself as a runner. I'm introduced to people as "oh...this is Katie...she's the runner." I've met a lot of the best people in my life through running. I've always been that crazy runner girl who runs more miles in a day for fun than many people run in a month. When people picture me I like the idea that they think of me with my ponytail flying, running on a cross country course.

9. Joy. Running should be fun. That's why people lose their love of running, because all of a sudden its not fun. Running should be exciting. It should make people driving past look at you and think you're crazy for doing what you're doing. I've run in shorts in 3 feet of snow. I've gone on adventure runs where I end up having to cross streams. I've come home with mud all the way from my ankles to my hair. I've gone exploring. Sometimes I put on 80's music on my ipod and dress from my headband to my socks in neon. For me, it is about having fun.

10. All thats left--is that I really love to run.

Curiouser and Curiouser (Part 1)

The Mad Hatter"Have I gone mad?" 
Alice: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are"

-Alice in Wonderland

When you're around psychology enough you sometimes begin to question your own mental stability. I can spit out the textbook definition for everything from schizophrenia to multiple personality disorder to bipolar, to pica (pica is where the person craves and eats non-edible items-like dirt and plastic) Let me tell you, once you read these symptoms day in and day out you begin to see them in yourself.

But what makes it a serious question of mental stability when you are evaluated by a mentally unstable person. Seriously. If a crazy person thinks you're crazy....it means you probably are. This means I probably am.

Patient #1
Me: (smiling):  "Hello! are you here to see Dr. J***?"
Patient: (not smiling): "Who. Are. You????"
Me: (confused smile) "I'm Katie. Are you here for an apointment with--"
Patient: (cutting in-still not smiling back) "I don't know you. Who are you?
Me: "Um...I'm Katie...I work here"
Patient: "Are you sure? I've never seen you here before. Are you like a bookkeeper or something?"    
                           *Side note: I've worked in the same office for 2 years now. He hasn't seen me before because he's new. I'm not. So now I'm wondering if maybe just giving in will be the response that he wants. Also I am NOT a bookkeeper. I am a psychologist-in-training! (intern). But he's close enough so:

Me: (more smiling): "Um sure. I'm Katie, I'm the bookkeeper, I do all of the paper work.
Patient (eyes widen): "I don't trust bookkeepers. I'm not talking to you. The Dr. will be with me shortly."

I'm supposed to get to be the one who says the Dr. will be with you shortly. This guy doesn't even trust me to say the one line that I get to say to patients.
 So I go and get the Dr. tell him his patient is here and that he doesn't want to talk to me. The Dr. looks at me and starts laughing.

If walls could talk....

6:00-Wake up-and go back to bed.
8:00 Actually get up.
Begin.
So it's raining of course. Because on the day that I have to move all of my belongings from Milwaukee to Fort Atkinson it WOULD rain. (this is how my life goes. please refer to previous posts). I guess I'm not surprised that it's raining, so it's not like it's a huge deal.
Before anything I decide to do my workout for the day-a 55 minute HCS (hard core swim) This means all freestyle stokes...all the time....and absolutely no stopping until the last 3 minutes where you cool down with kick boarding.
I'm not sure exactly what I was thinking when I went for a 55 minute HCS before I began packing up my life and moving it an hour south. Clearly I forgot the fact that now I will be exhausted before I even start the heavy lifting process. Good plan Katie, good plan.
So 2 days ago I carried a giant box into my bedroom. It was so big that it didn't actually fit through the doorway and I had to carry it in sideways. Fast forward 2 days. In that time I completely filled said box with every article of clothing that I possess, several pairs of shoes, and whatever odds and ends laying around my room that didn't already have a box of their own to belong to. What I forgot, and you probably have too by now is that the box only fits through my door sideways. Now after 2 days of filling the box is minimally twice my body weight. The chances of me picking it up and tilting it on it's side to fit back through my door? zero to none.
Spend the next 20 minutes trying to force box through doorway. Fail. Cry.( Ok....I didn't cry but I was pretty frustrated.) Plus in addition to the original problem (box doesn't fit through door) I now have made an additional problem for myself. (box is now stuck halfway through the door.) So I climb back and forth over the box a couple times and attempt to push and pull it the rest of the way. More failure.
Finally Tom, the senior in charge of my apartment building takes pity on me and my pathetic muscles and comes over and forces it the rest of the way through for me.
You would think that someone used to running for hours at a time would not be so exhausted by this box-moving. Sadly, to combination of the HCS and the lack of upper body strength has come together and I'm exhausted. I finish cleaning my now-empty apartment. So here I sit in the middle of the floor in an empty room. This year, this apartment, has brought so many changes for me. It's strange how now that it's empty I'm remembering it all. Here are just some of the things this apartment witnessed:

• Me failing. Many epic failures (everything from today's box moving to neuropsychology assignments)
• Me getting the highest  GPA I've ever had
• Me laying on the floor sobbing because it seemed like the world was about to cave in on me
• Me jumping on my couch to "All Star" by Smashmouth in celebration of making it to NCAA nationals in cross country.
• Me swearing off boys forever and planning on becoming a crazy cat lady
• Me falling in love again despite the whole crazy cat lady plan
• Me learning about psychology, and anthropology, and life
• Me growing even more into the person I am to become

Good year, good apartment, who's walls have witnessed so much of my life in such a short amount of time.
2:55pm Take a deep breath and look around empty apartment one last time.
3:00pm Journey back to Fort Atkinson.
3:55 pm Mentally prepare self to shove box into my parents house.

Run Away Home

Sometimes...the back country roads of Fort Atkinson, WI-the ones that are gravel you know, and not paved-sometimes when you're running they smell like cow poop. This is not one of the things that I thought I'd miss when I moved off to college. But here I am. Counting down the days until I can go back to those roads and train on the same hills that I've been running since I was in 6th  grade.
I miss my tiny little town with it's crappy country roads. My heart and soul don't belong running on the big streets of Milwaukee...they belong on dusty, out of town roads lined with wildflowers and grass and corn. My heart simply isn't in the big city right now...and that's why it's not home for me.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Truthfully I am in college...I didn't expect that I'd be getting homesick as a soon-to-be senior in college. What's going to happen after my senior year when I don't live with my parents any more? What's going to happen when I move across the country to go to grad school. I only have one more year. AH!!!!!
I think "home" isn't as much about the where but about the "who". The reason that I miss my small hometown is because that's where my family is. It's not necessarily all about my country roads. Home is not defined by  the small ice cream shop and the friendly people who look for runners when they drive instead of making me watch for them. In the end home is defined as a place of belonging. Not just any place of belonging but the place where you belong. I think I'll always feel a sense of belonging to Fort Atkinson, but at the same time, it's not because of the city itself but the people there.
So let's say that I do move away someday. I'm not worried that I'll be homesick. I know that wherever I go, no matter where it is, as long as I'm with people that I love and who love me back I'll be at home. I don't need a specific structure to call home, or a specific town. I don't even need a country. All I really need is a road to run down.

Racing Thoughts and Mind Games

"To uncover your true potential you must first find your own limits and then you have to have the courage to blow past them"

The mind is a terrible thing to waste. We've all heard that quote. Probably from teachers who didn't think we were working hard enough. Sometimes, however, our minds are the greatest antagonist of all. Seriously. Not always is it a pain in our IT band, a stress fracture in our legs that stops us from running. Maybe it's not the vitamins we take or the protein we don't get enough of. It's not the miles we haven't run, the training we didn't work hard enough at.

I've been going crazy all season trying to figure out why I'm not running as fast as I'd like. And trust me I've thought of everything. I've worked out like crazy, changed my diet, my fluid intake, my routine. I've added extra ab workouts, extra pool workouts, extra stretching. I've agonized about my body for months now.

Herein lies what I discovered is my ultimate challenge. It's not my body that's betraying me, as I've believed all along... What?
My mind is one of the things I'm the most proud of. I don't claim to be the smartest person in the world, nor the wisest, nor the cleverest. Still though I have decent grades for being a double major in college, and I pride myself in at least the originality of my thoughts if nothing else. But for just once I wish my mind would concede some of it's power to my legs.

My mind has been playing tricks on me all season, telling me not what I can do, but of all the things that I can't. It doesn't reassure me when I have doubts. For me it's not my competitors I battle during a race, as with most normal runners,but instead, my mind. Every day. Every run. Every lap.

How much different would each of us be if our minds didn't overpower our hearts? How much different would our lives be if our confidence, our belief in ourselves, our abilities weren't hindered by that bellowing voice inside our heads telling us that we aren't enough, telling us that we can't? The possibilities are endless. Perhaps we would be stronger in the face of adversity. Perhaps we could be smarter...Perhaps we would be faster.

Don't let your mind tell you that you can't do something. The mind is our greatest gift, and when used properly our most powerful ally. I found that out the last 500 meters of my 1500 on Saturday when for one short lap, for the first time this season my mind got together with my legs. It wasn't necessarily a yell, and no it wasn't quite sure of itself. But it was there in a small whisper of "yes I can" as I flew down the finish line.

The mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste. Sometimes though, when your mind is the one that's telling you you can't, your only choice is to try to outrun those negative thoughts. Because only when we can learn outrun our own doubts can  we outrun everyone else in the race.