It Sucks, But I Understand

Forget Mistakes. Forget Failure. Forget Everything. Expect what you're going to do and do it!


I had another of those moments the other day. You know, the ones where you have an entire scenario plotted out in your mind. To you, it's already happened. Everyone else involved can't understand why you have your head in the clouds. A girl's gotta dream you know. Although I  could have saved myself quite a bit of misery if I wouldn't have put so much hope into this particular one. 


I know I've said this before, but as with the last two, Friday was my "last" doctor appointment for my foot and my "last" x-ray. I've been walking everywhere, I've even awkwardly 'run' across rooms. I've biked upwards of 40 miles. No pain, my foot's not broken. 


Before I even got to the appointment I had my day plotted out. I had gotten in some time on the indoor trainer that morning. I went to class and legitimately changed into running clothes. I wasn't expecting a miracle you know. I just thought that I would get cleared and would go...you know...for a really, really, short run around the block or something. 


Here's what I wasn't expecting: two more months of not running. I'm healed and I'm ready to run now. I absolutely don't need two more months of swimming and biking. I love them both but enough is really quite enough. My doctor said that if I break it again, I'll for sure have to get screws in my foot, which I really don't want. 


I don't particularly want to be any more patient. Yesterday, while watching my team's track meet it took everything I had not to go running. I was so very tempted to go running yesterday. Not only because I had to watch everyone else run, but the campus surrounding the University of Wisconsin-Steven's Point is gorgeous. They have the best trails around their campus of anywhere that I've run. Plus the running community up there is huge. 


But I digress. After the initial shock when I didn't get to go on my run around the block, I thought a little more about what had happened and I realized that there are quite a few bright sides to this. 


For example, I spent countless hours trying to decide if I should or should not trash my track season this year, without thought of racing whatsoever. I went back and forth with the pros and cons that didn't help my decision making process whatsoever. But now, it seems as though the decision has been made for me. Considering the fact that I can't run at all until April means that the initial "build up" puts me running "normally" about mid-May (if we assume that it'll take me a month to be able to run without having to worry about breaking my foot again). Track season ends right around the beginning of May. Decision made. I don't have to figure out if my hip will break due to osteopenia if I race. I don't have to be afraid of racing poorly. I don't have to make the decision. Because, if left up to me, I know which one I'd make. And I would have raced. This is most likely why this decision has been made for me...so that I didn't mess anything up by making the wrong one. 


Plus this is giving me a lot of time (more than I expected) to now work on my cycling. I've got the swimming down pat. Now, it's time to work on my cadence. I don't have to be nervous about getting in shape to race a stellar 5k by May. I get to be excited to sign up for a century ride this summer. 


So in conclusion, yes this was hard to hear. I sat in my car after leaving the doctor's office and cried and cried about not getting to run. I sobbed to my steering wheel until there was nothing left to possibly cry over. I cried for how much I miss running, and for osteopenia, and for how much I miss running with my teammates. I cried for the disappointment that I don't want anyone to have in me and for my last season to compete competitively on the collegiate level which I don't get to enjoy. 


It's tough yes. It's sad, yes. But I understand. I understand that there's more to this than just a running injury. I understand that it was inevitable that I would get hurt. And I understand that this is happening because there are far, far more important things in life which I now have time to focus on.