Leap of Faith

"No one looks back on their life and remembers that night they got lots of sleep."


Leaving. Leaving will be hard. But staying isn't really an option. Staying in college, isn't one of my choices. I look to my right and see my  cap and gown hanging in my closet. I haven't started packing. And in two weeks: I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life. There are thousands of options. And staying here, unfortunately is not an option. I can go in fact, anywhere but here. 


When I came to college I swore I wouldn't change. And there's some truth to that. I'm still me, I haven't changed who I am. But there are aspects that have drastically changed. I'd like to think that they've changed for the better but that's not really for me to judge, moreso for others. The thing about college, and growing up, is that just when it seems you've gotten everything together it's time to move. I came to college to learn about life and myself and psychology. After everything that I've gone through, the person that I've grown into, having the right people in my life, and the right direction to go along with it. Just when I got everything together, I have to change my entire life. I don't even have a place to live come May 19th. 


In the past four years I can remember the best days of my life alongside the worst side by side. None of these memories are worse than the other. I believe that I am equally thankful for both of them. Remember, the struggles are just as important as the victories. 


But still, I can't imagine my life without my teammates. I can't imagine taking classes with a professor that I don't know or trust. I can't imagine living anywhere that's not on WLC's campus in the safety that I've grown accustomed to. It's scary to realize that for the first time in my life I'll be completely alone. Oh, and completely broke at the same time. Kind of a fatal combination if you ask me. Who, I ask you, will kill the bugs in my apartment? Who will I spend my nights hanging out with. I'm the only one who's planning her life around more schooling. My friends are divided up into two main categories. Category one is the "I must get out of here" category. These are the people who are moving back home whether that be an hour south or across the country. These are the category of job hunters who are looking for an actual career and will be going to wherever they find that. Category number two are the wives. These are my friends who are are getting married and will be moving in with their husbands as soon as said wedding happens. So they can't stay here either. I don't belong in either of these categories, and there aren't a lot of other people in the "I just signed up for 5 more years of school" group. In so many ways, I'm on my own. 


Don't get my somewhat depressing musings wrong. I'm not sad, nor have I ever for one second regretted my decision. I know it's time to get out on my own, to move forward, and to get a Psy.D. 


It's just that the initial jump out of the nest can be scary for the bird that's never flown before. 


And to take that leap requires great faith. I'm not quite sure I have that much faith in myself yet. I KNOW that's the greatest sign that I need to move out and move on. But still, it would be nice to have some sort of reassurance before I go that I won't end up living in a cardboard box on the side of the road. 


But wait......there's more. 


There is one more thing to be exact. The running thing. I have to take a leap of faith there. It's time to stop being afraid. It's time to stop running around saying things like " My foot's broken" and "I can't run because my foot will break". I do not know when the day will come when I'll be ready to race again. It may be in a month, it may be in a year. I have to focus so much right now on just getting healthy that racing and being competitive just aren't options. But in the same breath all of this work, all of my experiences, can't have been for nothing. There has to be a reason. When I say that thousands of things pop into my mind. What exactly will come out of it? Winning rent money by running road races? A partial sponsorship in a triathlon? I don't know. What I do know, it that I'm going to have to take a jump, and as scary as it's all going to be, it's just going to force me to fly.