"It is in all of us to defy expectations, to go into the world and be brave, and to want, to need, to hunger for an adventure, to embrace, chance, and change and risk so that we may be breathe and know what it is like to be free."
A 100 Mile Journey
and some serious love to my quads.
It was always my intention this summer to do a century ride. I had picked out one or two charity events that I thought would be fun, by the time I thought I would be ready. What I never thought I'd be doing is doing spur of the moment century rides.
And then I got this job with all of these people that bike. I was shocked when I told them of my plans and the conversation went something like this:
Me: "I was planning on doing a century ride this summer"
Crazy Biking People: "Oh....haven't you ever done one before?"
Me: "Well no....I was looking for a good ride to do but I couldn't decide."
CBP: "No...I mean haven't you ever just gone out on a free Saturday and done 100 by yourself?"
Me: ".........no?"
They couldn't believe that for my first century I was going to pay. So...on Thursday I set out at 8 in the morning with one of my crazy biking co-workers and we biked for about 7 hours (including food and bathroom stops).
Now I know what you're thinking. And yes. It is crazy to decide on a Thursday morning that because you have nothing better to do that you should go biking all day.
We rode right through the half-century mark right around 3 hours. I was a little nervous at the prospect of only being halfway done after a length that is what most of my rides are. I had previously considered anything over 50 an accomplishment. Now we were doubling it.
After 52 we climbed one of the only true mountains we have in Wisconsin known as Lapham's Peak. As the story goes Mr. Lapham used to climb to the top of this crazy hill in order to get the most up-to-date weather forecast because you can see so far. Unfortunately we were not climbing for the weather, but just for the workout. Halfway through, as I was struggling I was ahem complaining a tiny, tiny bit and being just a tiny tiny bit angry that he made this part of our loop after 50 miles. (people get a little cranky after beinng stuck on a bike for 3.5 hours.) He turns to me and says "You're small. You should be a better climber than me. You should be pulling me up this hill. Whenever you get scared of a climb, just look down at those legs. They're going to get you up there" And with that, I looked down at my quads (which are...giant by the way) and I climbed my little self the rest of the way up the mountain. Oh...and going down said mountain at almost 40 miles/hour. So worth the climb.
Luckily, after that hard climb it was decided that we needed a break. We took the next 10 miles to ride to a grocery store and pick up some ice cream and yogurt ( Hammer Gels and bananas can only get you so far people.) I was introduced by my vegan co-worker to coconut milk ice cream. Which is...really good by the way.
By this point we're almost to 70 and I'm really excited that out of 100 miles I only have 30 to go..which should be nothing. We took the last 30 and wandered around the cities surrounding Milwaukee discovering new bike trails and seeing if we could get lost within the last 20. We separated at 98 to go back to our respective apartments and I finished the last 2 miles on my own until my speedometer read 100.14 miles.
I went back to my apartment and ate for 10 minutes or so and then laid on the floor for pretty much the remainder of the night. My apartment has a pool so I sat in there for awhile to try and get my body temperature down and get things under control.
My legs weren't actually that sore the next day for some reason, which leads me to the actual point of this post....more body-loving I sometimes hate that my legs are so big and that biking has made my quads manly-sized. However they really got me through some long and tough miles and for that I love them and can't hold against them how giant they are. I realized that every time I get upset about my body not working/looking the way I want it to, all I really need to do is look at my legs. And to look at them is the answer. I am strong,and they are beautiful, and they will carry me over hills and through life. So here's to you muscular legs, thanks for 100 wonderful miles. Let's do it again sometime.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
RFF
"Be thankful everyday for the life you've been given"
1. I love spicy foods.
2. Spicy foods give me heartburn.
3. I eat at least 2 bananas a day.
4. At least 4 if I go on a bike ride over 3 hours.
5. I'm obsessed with nature pictures.
6. I moved into a new apartment this week and I'm in love with it. I thought living away from my parents in my own place would be scary but it's actually quite awesome.
7. I hate folding laundry.
8. If I pin something on Pinterst I feel obligated to do it.
9. Most of the furniture in my apartment is from rummage sales.
10. I did my first century ride on Thursday (more on this later)
Sorry it's short this week. I've been working alot at THE BEST JOB EVER and with the gazillion miles of cycling I've been doing and the moving it's been stressful. Happy Memorial day weekend everyone.
1. I love spicy foods.
2. Spicy foods give me heartburn.
3. I eat at least 2 bananas a day.
4. At least 4 if I go on a bike ride over 3 hours.
5. I'm obsessed with nature pictures.
6. I moved into a new apartment this week and I'm in love with it. I thought living away from my parents in my own place would be scary but it's actually quite awesome.
7. I hate folding laundry.
8. If I pin something on Pinterst I feel obligated to do it.
9. Most of the furniture in my apartment is from rummage sales.
10. I did my first century ride on Thursday (more on this later)
Sorry it's short this week. I've been working alot at THE BEST JOB EVER and with the gazillion miles of cycling I've been doing and the moving it's been stressful. Happy Memorial day weekend everyone.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
How Biking Saved My Life
You never have the wind with you -- either it is against you or you're having a good day. ~ Daniel Behrman
Running may have been my life, but it's bicycling that saved it.
(this is a little heavy towards the end. prepare yourself, and grab a coffee...maybe a beer ...and brace yourself for some introspective honesty)
Riding a bike can be scary. It's scary to weave in and out of traffic. It can be scary in the wind. It can be scary downhill. You see, when the wind is behind you and you're speeding downhill at 40mph the only thing standing in between you and certain death (or broken collar bone) is a helmet. I bet you're wishing that you would have splurged for that $70 helmet instead of the $30 one now huh?
It seems strange that biking is the thing that would save lives. Traditionally it puts them in danger more often than not. But still, the title of this post remains, as does my statement that bicycling saved my life. All that I have, and all that I will become I owe to a 2011 Trek Lexa.
I wasn't in a good place when I started cycling this winter. Let's be honest, I started biking way back in February out of depression. I was desperate to get outside and exercise again. I didn't really do it because I enjoyed biking, but because I missed running. I had hoped originally that biking would be the next best thing.
What I ended up finding, was a sense of freedom in those next few miles, and more importantly, a sense of peace. Peace with the world, but also within myself. I was wrong, biking didn't make up for not running. But now I know that that's a good thing.It's everything that running was not. I'm happier right now than I have been in a long time. Happier, may not even be the right term. It's more of a peacefulness. There are still those bad days that everyone has. I still cry. Heck, I still cry over running. I'm by no means happy all the time only because of bicycling. But because of it I'm more at peace with myself and I know that even when I'm not happy the time will come when I will be again. I always thought that I could solve life's problems over a 10 mile run. The truth is that 10 mile runs have nothing on 5 hour bike rides. I don't feel lonely biking by myself for 5 hours like you would think. It gives me time to sort through my problems and gets me away from civilization in a way that running never did.
I now notice how beautiful life is and how beautiful the scenery is. How great it is to be outside for hours at a time. It gives me a sense of connectedness with nature and brings me closer to God himself.
But all of that, is not actually the point to all of this. Those are ways biking improved my life, but not how it saved it.
I still love running.
Running, for everything that it meant to me, for as much I loved it, was also a destructive love at times. As much as I loved running, it made me hate myself far more often than it made me happy with myself. I was never good enough, never fast enough, never strong enough. Never ever enough anything. Most of all, because I was never enough I believed I needed to change myself. I was willing to do whatever it took to make me good enough. To be perfect. My perfectionism and compulsive tenancies "ran away" with my running obsession and together the two strove to destroy me from the inside out.
What I felt I needed to be "perfect" for running was far beyond normal desire to be "fit" for your sport. It went beyond caring about being healthy or wanted to be more fit in order to perform better. As with everything I do, I did it well. I ran myself ragged until I literally fell apart. I pushed myself to the breaking point, and eventually I did break. And you know what? After all of that, after everything I went through, I still looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. In the end it wasn't even worth it. In the end, it didn't even have anything to do with running.
Riding to find the light....
The thing about biking for 5 hours at a time (Or 6) (Or 7 )is that you can't do it unless you take proper care of yourself. Look at it this way: If you don't drink you're going to get a cramp. If you don't have enough electrolytes you're going to get a cramp. If you don't have enough potassium you're going to get a cramp. It's not like you can exercise for 6 hours at a time on guts and fumes alone. You have to eat. You have to take care of yourself. I've had rides where I forget to bring food and by the end my 19mph average is reduced to 16 because my legs refuse to go without the proper nutrition. If you're going to make it, you're going to have to have a GU at least every couple of hours and a sports drink to replace what you're losing. It's one thing to have your body shut down on a run when, at most, you're 6 or 7 miles away from your house. Worst case scenario you have a long, humiliating walk. It's quite another thing to have your legs quit on you 35 miles away in the middle of nowhere. Let's be serious, it's a little different asking someone to come and rescue you when you're 5 miles away compared to when you're 35 miles away. The latter would probably require you to even pay them for gas. That, and then your ride is cut short. Biking has helped me to eat clean and be focused on what food can do for my body, what's good fuel and what's garbage. The focus isn't on appearance anymore but what's good for you.
Riding taught me to love my body for what it can do, and not what it looks like. How many other people can go out and ride at 18mph average for 5 hours because they want to. It's not exactly what everyone would do with 5 free hours on a Saturday afternoon. But I can. I'm not ashamed of the big quadriceps that I used to despise. Not even when I was running 50 miles a week did my legs look this strong. But mostly I love them because they've given me a much, much better gift than looking good. I know that once I hit mile 50 and I don't want to go back yet they'll thank me for taking care of them by carrying me another 10, 20, 50. And in return for those long rides which make me so happy, I continue to reward my legs with bananas and peanut butter and electrolytes.
Biking for me is not about exercise. It's about finding peace and being thankful and doing some serious soul searching. I like to think of each ride as one giant thank-you letter for my life and for my ability. I don't ride 75+ miles to exercise or because I have to or because I'm in strict training or because someone's making me or because I feel like the athletic world expects it of me. I do it because I can.
So you see, sometimes in the search for yourself you have to ride pretty far. It's best to make sure you bring a snack, and never, ever forget to love life, and your quads, along the way.
Running may have been my life, but it's bicycling that saved it.
(this is a little heavy towards the end. prepare yourself, and grab a coffee...maybe a beer ...and brace yourself for some introspective honesty)
Riding a bike can be scary. It's scary to weave in and out of traffic. It can be scary in the wind. It can be scary downhill. You see, when the wind is behind you and you're speeding downhill at 40mph the only thing standing in between you and certain death (or broken collar bone) is a helmet. I bet you're wishing that you would have splurged for that $70 helmet instead of the $30 one now huh?
It seems strange that biking is the thing that would save lives. Traditionally it puts them in danger more often than not. But still, the title of this post remains, as does my statement that bicycling saved my life. All that I have, and all that I will become I owe to a 2011 Trek Lexa.
I wasn't in a good place when I started cycling this winter. Let's be honest, I started biking way back in February out of depression. I was desperate to get outside and exercise again. I didn't really do it because I enjoyed biking, but because I missed running. I had hoped originally that biking would be the next best thing.
What I ended up finding, was a sense of freedom in those next few miles, and more importantly, a sense of peace. Peace with the world, but also within myself. I was wrong, biking didn't make up for not running. But now I know that that's a good thing.It's everything that running was not. I'm happier right now than I have been in a long time. Happier, may not even be the right term. It's more of a peacefulness. There are still those bad days that everyone has. I still cry. Heck, I still cry over running. I'm by no means happy all the time only because of bicycling. But because of it I'm more at peace with myself and I know that even when I'm not happy the time will come when I will be again. I always thought that I could solve life's problems over a 10 mile run. The truth is that 10 mile runs have nothing on 5 hour bike rides. I don't feel lonely biking by myself for 5 hours like you would think. It gives me time to sort through my problems and gets me away from civilization in a way that running never did.
I now notice how beautiful life is and how beautiful the scenery is. How great it is to be outside for hours at a time. It gives me a sense of connectedness with nature and brings me closer to God himself.
But all of that, is not actually the point to all of this. Those are ways biking improved my life, but not how it saved it.
I still love running.
Running, for everything that it meant to me, for as much I loved it, was also a destructive love at times. As much as I loved running, it made me hate myself far more often than it made me happy with myself. I was never good enough, never fast enough, never strong enough. Never ever enough anything. Most of all, because I was never enough I believed I needed to change myself. I was willing to do whatever it took to make me good enough. To be perfect. My perfectionism and compulsive tenancies "ran away" with my running obsession and together the two strove to destroy me from the inside out.
What I felt I needed to be "perfect" for running was far beyond normal desire to be "fit" for your sport. It went beyond caring about being healthy or wanted to be more fit in order to perform better. As with everything I do, I did it well. I ran myself ragged until I literally fell apart. I pushed myself to the breaking point, and eventually I did break. And you know what? After all of that, after everything I went through, I still looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. In the end it wasn't even worth it. In the end, it didn't even have anything to do with running.
Riding to find the light....
The thing about biking for 5 hours at a time (Or 6) (Or 7 )is that you can't do it unless you take proper care of yourself. Look at it this way: If you don't drink you're going to get a cramp. If you don't have enough electrolytes you're going to get a cramp. If you don't have enough potassium you're going to get a cramp. It's not like you can exercise for 6 hours at a time on guts and fumes alone. You have to eat. You have to take care of yourself. I've had rides where I forget to bring food and by the end my 19mph average is reduced to 16 because my legs refuse to go without the proper nutrition. If you're going to make it, you're going to have to have a GU at least every couple of hours and a sports drink to replace what you're losing. It's one thing to have your body shut down on a run when, at most, you're 6 or 7 miles away from your house. Worst case scenario you have a long, humiliating walk. It's quite another thing to have your legs quit on you 35 miles away in the middle of nowhere. Let's be serious, it's a little different asking someone to come and rescue you when you're 5 miles away compared to when you're 35 miles away. The latter would probably require you to even pay them for gas. That, and then your ride is cut short. Biking has helped me to eat clean and be focused on what food can do for my body, what's good fuel and what's garbage. The focus isn't on appearance anymore but what's good for you.
Riding taught me to love my body for what it can do, and not what it looks like. How many other people can go out and ride at 18mph average for 5 hours because they want to. It's not exactly what everyone would do with 5 free hours on a Saturday afternoon. But I can. I'm not ashamed of the big quadriceps that I used to despise. Not even when I was running 50 miles a week did my legs look this strong. But mostly I love them because they've given me a much, much better gift than looking good. I know that once I hit mile 50 and I don't want to go back yet they'll thank me for taking care of them by carrying me another 10, 20, 50. And in return for those long rides which make me so happy, I continue to reward my legs with bananas and peanut butter and electrolytes.
Biking for me is not about exercise. It's about finding peace and being thankful and doing some serious soul searching. I like to think of each ride as one giant thank-you letter for my life and for my ability. I don't ride 75+ miles to exercise or because I have to or because I'm in strict training or because someone's making me or because I feel like the athletic world expects it of me. I do it because I can.So you see, sometimes in the search for yourself you have to ride pretty far. It's best to make sure you bring a snack, and never, ever forget to love life, and your quads, along the way.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Random Fact Friday
"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different"
1. I have a $50 bike light for when I ride home in the dark. I also use it for a flashlight to wander around my apartment in the dark at night.
2. I'm so so so excited to decorate my new apartment.
3. I feel more athletic when the veins in my arms stick out.
4. The people at my job make fun of each other for eating animal products like honey. I get hardcore made fun of for eating yogurt (because WHO would want to eat the spoiled breastmilk of a different species...?) God forbid anyone talks of eating meat.
4 1/2. We also make fun of people who drive cars.
4 1/2. We also make fun of people who drive cars.
5. Missing running was awful. Not missing it, was much worse. This is still a touchy subject for me, even though it's a little bit better.
6. I always sleep with my windows open. (just a crack if it's cold) But there's something soothing about hearing nighttime noises.
7 . I fell in love with a bike at work. I spend about 25% of my work day staring at it.
8. Long bike ride? (or run or whatever it is that you do to workout) Might I suggest peanut butter flavored gu on a banana? yuuuum. Or my newest discovery GU in a tortilla.
9. When I broke my foot I packed away all of my running medals and trophies and other miscellaneous awards. All that's left on display are my numbers.
10. Every once in awhile when I'm sitting somewhere I still double check to make sure I don't have crutches under my seat. I know it's weird.
11. I think having finals is stupid. It's the last week of school. Either you know it or you don't. Having 6 tests in one week to "test" students' knowledge is idiotic.
12. I hate malls. In fact I hate anything that has to do with shopping that is not a bike store, an organic food store or a thrift store. Cooperate America scares me. If I happen get rich someday that money is being sent to a country far, far, away to someone who needs it. (after I buy a horse obviously)
13. I graduate from college...tomorrow. Holy. Crap.
14. The longest bike ride I've ever done was 75 miles and it was this week on Monday. I felt epic. I couldn't walk. I did 76 on Wednesday. Next week a co-worker and I are planning a century.
15. I have one deodorant and body spray for every bag/purse/gym bag/backpack I own. I have a fear of ever having B.O. I also sometimes don't have to shower as many times per day as I workout. This is a deadly combination in the body odor department.
16. My favorite professor got me a plant and a card for graduation :)
17. My roommate and I are discussing getting a kitten
18. Batman was my favorite cartoon when I was 7 years old.
19. I have two great personality flaws. One is that I fear confrontation. Like, irrationally fear it. The other is that I'm extremely indecisive. I'm terrified of making the "wrong"decision.
20. I'm going to make my kids do their own laundry someday. I am not going to make them pay for college however.
21. I like chopsticks better than forks.
22. I'm currently boycotting make-up.
23. Oh......I got into another Psy.D. program this week that originally had wait listed me. I should be ecstatic. But really, I'm just panicking about what to do all over again.
24. I finished my last final (a paper) at 5am Wednesday morning. It's the only time in four years that I've ever procrastinated an assignment.
25. I like big sunglasses.
Annnnnnd not so random...next time I write I'll be a college graduate. Oh how time flies, how things can completely change in only 4 short years. I graduate with two majors, two conference titles, a trip to nationals, 3 graduate school acceptances (two to Ph.D. programs), and no regrets.
Have a margarita for me in honor of my graduation. Happy weekend!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I'd Rather Be (Not) Running
"Never let success get to your head. Never let failure get to your heart."
Dear self,
After all of these months, thinking about nothing but running, why don't you want to do it? Why after everything we've gone through, all of the tears we've cried over running why after all of that can't you bring yourself to go on a stupid 15 minute run?
Extremely frustrated,
You
As I mentioned before in Saturday's post I'm having some trouble running. Not trouble like I'm hurt or that my stride is off or my legs are tired. Trouble as in for the first time in my life...I don't want to run.
I've wanted to run my whole life. Since I was in kindergarten and the most popular game in my class was known as "boys chase girls" I've loved to run. Needless to say I was never caught by a boy and from there on in discovered I had a wonderful gift.They stopped chasing me. As we got older I'd challenge anyone and everyone to a race across the playground when the bell rang to signify the end of recess. People stopped racing me. I kept running. I begged to play midfield in soccer so that I could run across the field the most. I won every game that included running such as tag, ghost in the graveyard, kick the can. I never lost, I never stopped running.
I ran my way to winning gradeschool races, high school races, and finally college races. I ran my way to awards and nationals and away from anything in life I didn't want to deal with. I ran through sadness and injuries and life. I never questioned running. Never until now. I don't know what happened. Or how. All I know is that I don't want to go running. Realizing this makes me want to cry, but it doesn't make me want to run. I'm sad for myself, my training partners, my teammates. But not sad enough to run. I miss it more than I've missed anything ever, I feel a sense of longing when I think about those 10 mile runs that used to grant me such joy, but for some reason I don't miss it enough to want to run. I'm so mad at myself for feeling this way. Not mad enough to want to run.
Last Wednesday I woke up and all I wanted to do was run. I set off at a 6:40 clip for 16 minutes in a torrential downpour. I came home exhilarated and in love with how my body felt to let go again and run. And then an hour later the feeling went away and didn't return. I'd rather do anything right now instead of run. Rather ride, walk, swim, elliptical, pack, brush my teeth, clean my apartment....you get it.
I don't know what happened or how. I don't know what mechanism in my brain turned off and made the person that was a crazy little runner girl go away. But something's missing.
Getting hurt, was devastating. It hurt more of me than just my foot. I worked my way through the stages of sadness. First was the initial shock and denial. I didn't believe this had happened. I figured I'd be back by track season. Next the anger, next the extreme bottomless depression, followed by slow recovery. Next was working through it and putting reason and logic into all that had happened. I reached the acceptance level. It sucked, but I was O.K. I understood. I found hope. I started running. And then I regressed. What I think I never quite worked all the way through was the anger. Some of it at myself, some of it at running itself. Somewhere in this entire mess I didn't completely forgive what had happened. I haven't completely forgiven myself, but I haven't completely forgiven running. I know it sounds strange that I need to "forgive" running, my one and only passion in life for betraying me, but I do. And I can't. I can't get over that anger, and I can't run until I stop being angry at running. No. I don't know where this came from, only that I wish it would go away.
Dear self,
After all of these months, thinking about nothing but running, why don't you want to do it? Why after everything we've gone through, all of the tears we've cried over running why after all of that can't you bring yourself to go on a stupid 15 minute run?
Extremely frustrated,
You
As I mentioned before in Saturday's post I'm having some trouble running. Not trouble like I'm hurt or that my stride is off or my legs are tired. Trouble as in for the first time in my life...I don't want to run.
I've wanted to run my whole life. Since I was in kindergarten and the most popular game in my class was known as "boys chase girls" I've loved to run. Needless to say I was never caught by a boy and from there on in discovered I had a wonderful gift.They stopped chasing me. As we got older I'd challenge anyone and everyone to a race across the playground when the bell rang to signify the end of recess. People stopped racing me. I kept running. I begged to play midfield in soccer so that I could run across the field the most. I won every game that included running such as tag, ghost in the graveyard, kick the can. I never lost, I never stopped running.
I ran my way to winning gradeschool races, high school races, and finally college races. I ran my way to awards and nationals and away from anything in life I didn't want to deal with. I ran through sadness and injuries and life. I never questioned running. Never until now. I don't know what happened. Or how. All I know is that I don't want to go running. Realizing this makes me want to cry, but it doesn't make me want to run. I'm sad for myself, my training partners, my teammates. But not sad enough to run. I miss it more than I've missed anything ever, I feel a sense of longing when I think about those 10 mile runs that used to grant me such joy, but for some reason I don't miss it enough to want to run. I'm so mad at myself for feeling this way. Not mad enough to want to run.
Last Wednesday I woke up and all I wanted to do was run. I set off at a 6:40 clip for 16 minutes in a torrential downpour. I came home exhilarated and in love with how my body felt to let go again and run. And then an hour later the feeling went away and didn't return. I'd rather do anything right now instead of run. Rather ride, walk, swim, elliptical, pack, brush my teeth, clean my apartment....you get it.
I don't know what happened or how. I don't know what mechanism in my brain turned off and made the person that was a crazy little runner girl go away. But something's missing.
Getting hurt, was devastating. It hurt more of me than just my foot. I worked my way through the stages of sadness. First was the initial shock and denial. I didn't believe this had happened. I figured I'd be back by track season. Next the anger, next the extreme bottomless depression, followed by slow recovery. Next was working through it and putting reason and logic into all that had happened. I reached the acceptance level. It sucked, but I was O.K. I understood. I found hope. I started running. And then I regressed. What I think I never quite worked all the way through was the anger. Some of it at myself, some of it at running itself. Somewhere in this entire mess I didn't completely forgive what had happened. I haven't completely forgiven myself, but I haven't completely forgiven running. I know it sounds strange that I need to "forgive" running, my one and only passion in life for betraying me, but I do. And I can't. I can't get over that anger, and I can't run until I stop being angry at running. No. I don't know where this came from, only that I wish it would go away.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
One of Those Weeks
"Sometimes all it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage."
It's been one of those weeks. You know where thing after thing after thing piles up and finally you're so burdened that you collapse. This week was already hard because I started THE BEST JOB EVER (but I'll get to that in a few paragraphs.) Anyways at THE BEST JOB EVER they apparently love me, so even though it was only my first 4 days thus far I have already worked 20 hours. Yeah. It's awesome, but it's stressful trying to balance that with school-apartment hunting-swimming-biking-running-ellipticalling-yoga-track practice-friends-family.Well...you get the idea.
Then at the end of this week one of my closest friends suffered a very great loss...which by the way was the reason there were no silly, random facts on Friday. I wasn't really in a silly or random mood. Being with her seemed a bit more prevalent. I chose to spend Friday mourning with my friend.
And on top of that, this was my last week of undergraduate schooling. For four years I talked of nothing but graduate school and getting out of regular college and the future. But the future is now and now that it's here, it's a bit more scary than I had originally imagined. I'm basically leaving home as I've known it for four years. I'm leaving everyone I love and everything I had loved.
In addition, I had to get a job for this summer. This is what I mentioned before as THE BEST JOB EVER. I work at a bike store. Never before have I had a job where I've immediately gotten along with and gotten accepted by all of the people who already work there. It's like we're all so similar. Most of them are some combination of vegan/vegetarian. They all love biking and think nothing of riding 80 miles just for the heck of it. We compare bicycling tan lines and our conversations revolve around professional athleticism, nutrition, and the best roads to bike in the country. It's also the one place that I can go in the world that I don't miss running. Because running isn't important, only biking. Running is only mentioned as that thing that you have to do after you get off of a bike during a triathlon.
Speaking of running-that's been a problem this week as well. I'm not sure what happened with this. At the beginning of this whole "coming back thing" I got excited for my little 8 minute runs and my whole day revolved around those walk/runs I got to do. But all of a sudden, it just went away. I haven't run in like 3 days. I didn't even notice until today when I realized I hadn't run in a couple of days. I then thought about going on a 15 minute run, but then I chose to elliptical instead, because I didn't feel like it. I don't remember the last time that I made my own decision not to run. It was a scary realization actually. I think the last time I ran was Wednesday morning. Technically I could have gone Friday, but I didn't. Again I could have gone today, but I didn't. I biked. I ellipticalled. But I didn't run.
Oh. But I DID find a place to life. Check one for monthly goals.
Lots of random thoughts in no particular order. This is a more in depth sort of randomness.
Hope you're having a good weekend.
It's been one of those weeks. You know where thing after thing after thing piles up and finally you're so burdened that you collapse. This week was already hard because I started THE BEST JOB EVER (but I'll get to that in a few paragraphs.) Anyways at THE BEST JOB EVER they apparently love me, so even though it was only my first 4 days thus far I have already worked 20 hours. Yeah. It's awesome, but it's stressful trying to balance that with school-apartment hunting-swimming-biking-running-ellipticalling-yoga-track practice-friends-family.Well...you get the idea.
Then at the end of this week one of my closest friends suffered a very great loss...which by the way was the reason there were no silly, random facts on Friday. I wasn't really in a silly or random mood. Being with her seemed a bit more prevalent. I chose to spend Friday mourning with my friend.
And on top of that, this was my last week of undergraduate schooling. For four years I talked of nothing but graduate school and getting out of regular college and the future. But the future is now and now that it's here, it's a bit more scary than I had originally imagined. I'm basically leaving home as I've known it for four years. I'm leaving everyone I love and everything I had loved.
In addition, I had to get a job for this summer. This is what I mentioned before as THE BEST JOB EVER. I work at a bike store. Never before have I had a job where I've immediately gotten along with and gotten accepted by all of the people who already work there. It's like we're all so similar. Most of them are some combination of vegan/vegetarian. They all love biking and think nothing of riding 80 miles just for the heck of it. We compare bicycling tan lines and our conversations revolve around professional athleticism, nutrition, and the best roads to bike in the country. It's also the one place that I can go in the world that I don't miss running. Because running isn't important, only biking. Running is only mentioned as that thing that you have to do after you get off of a bike during a triathlon.
Speaking of running-that's been a problem this week as well. I'm not sure what happened with this. At the beginning of this whole "coming back thing" I got excited for my little 8 minute runs and my whole day revolved around those walk/runs I got to do. But all of a sudden, it just went away. I haven't run in like 3 days. I didn't even notice until today when I realized I hadn't run in a couple of days. I then thought about going on a 15 minute run, but then I chose to elliptical instead, because I didn't feel like it. I don't remember the last time that I made my own decision not to run. It was a scary realization actually. I think the last time I ran was Wednesday morning. Technically I could have gone Friday, but I didn't. Again I could have gone today, but I didn't. I biked. I ellipticalled. But I didn't run.
Oh. But I DID find a place to life. Check one for monthly goals.
Lots of random thoughts in no particular order. This is a more in depth sort of randomness.
Hope you're having a good weekend.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Random Friday
"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."
1. I want a swing in my house someday. No, not in my backyard. IN my house.
2. I frequently get rugburn on my back from doing ab workouts or yoga poses on the carpet. Not sure what I did yesterday, but today my abs hurt every time I move. Yay 6-pack!
3. If I had one wish, I'd wish that everyone in the world could realize how wonderful life is.
4. I hate spending money. Spending anything over 30 gives me a mini panic attack.
5. I got a job this week. Now I need an apartment!
6. Radishes are the only veggies that I don't like.
7. I've been practicing walking around in the high heels I'm going to wear for graduation, so that when the day comes I don't trip going up the stage. I ran into Starbucks this morning in them. I felt victorious for not falling on my face. Before the breaking of the foot I could run faster in 3-inch heels than some people can in running shoes.
8. Lately I've been eating more vegan organic peanut butter than I should be. But it's sooooo good.
9. When I was younger I thought I would've made a really good Native American. I still think this.
10. Achilles is still acting up. Time for a day off :(
11. (Not counting running shorts), I prefer dresses and skirts to shorts. I mean seriously? Tight jean shorts? Who ever thought that was a good idea?
12. I can make any recipe into vegan or vegetarian. It's a special talent.
13. I love shopping at thrift stores.
14. I like alternative rock. And not much else.
15. My dreams always have meaning.
16. Someday I want to live in the country. There WILL be running trails in my backyard.
17. I'm too independent for my own good. I like to think that I don't need anyone for anything ever.
18. I drink coffee when I'm upset, not necessarily when I'm tired. I think it's because when I was younger and I was upset about anything my mom would always take me out for coffee or make a pot and we would talk. To this day I feel like drinking coffee makes me feel slightly better. A secret way to tell if anything is bothering me is by the size of my coffee. Oh...yes...I gave up on giving it up. But I try not to drink as much as I used to for my bones' sake.
19. Oatmeal is currently my favorite food. Whenever I'm going through a "favorite" food phase it's really hard for me to resist eating it for every single meal. (oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner anyone?)
(sidenote: Oatmeal + sweetener + coco powder + peanut butter+ cinnamon = best thing EVER) (besides that I've made pb+j oatmeal, carrot cake oatmeal, pumpkin spice oatmeal, apple cinnamon oatmeal, peanut butter banana nut oatmeal)
20. My favorite on-the-bike pick me up is flattened diet coke.
Have a great weekend everyone! Make sure you do something exciting enough to tell a story about on Monday!
1. I want a swing in my house someday. No, not in my backyard. IN my house.
2. I frequently get rugburn on my back from doing ab workouts or yoga poses on the carpet. Not sure what I did yesterday, but today my abs hurt every time I move. Yay 6-pack!
3. If I had one wish, I'd wish that everyone in the world could realize how wonderful life is.
4. I hate spending money. Spending anything over 30 gives me a mini panic attack.
5. I got a job this week. Now I need an apartment!
6. Radishes are the only veggies that I don't like.
7. I've been practicing walking around in the high heels I'm going to wear for graduation, so that when the day comes I don't trip going up the stage. I ran into Starbucks this morning in them. I felt victorious for not falling on my face. Before the breaking of the foot I could run faster in 3-inch heels than some people can in running shoes.
8. Lately I've been eating more vegan organic peanut butter than I should be. But it's sooooo good.
9. When I was younger I thought I would've made a really good Native American. I still think this.
10. Achilles is still acting up. Time for a day off :(
11. (Not counting running shorts), I prefer dresses and skirts to shorts. I mean seriously? Tight jean shorts? Who ever thought that was a good idea?
12. I can make any recipe into vegan or vegetarian. It's a special talent.
13. I love shopping at thrift stores.
14. I like alternative rock. And not much else.
15. My dreams always have meaning.
16. Someday I want to live in the country. There WILL be running trails in my backyard.
17. I'm too independent for my own good. I like to think that I don't need anyone for anything ever.
18. I drink coffee when I'm upset, not necessarily when I'm tired. I think it's because when I was younger and I was upset about anything my mom would always take me out for coffee or make a pot and we would talk. To this day I feel like drinking coffee makes me feel slightly better. A secret way to tell if anything is bothering me is by the size of my coffee. Oh...yes...I gave up on giving it up. But I try not to drink as much as I used to for my bones' sake.
19. Oatmeal is currently my favorite food. Whenever I'm going through a "favorite" food phase it's really hard for me to resist eating it for every single meal. (oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner anyone?)
(sidenote: Oatmeal + sweetener + coco powder + peanut butter+ cinnamon = best thing EVER) (besides that I've made pb+j oatmeal, carrot cake oatmeal, pumpkin spice oatmeal, apple cinnamon oatmeal, peanut butter banana nut oatmeal)
20. My favorite on-the-bike pick me up is flattened diet coke.
Have a great weekend everyone! Make sure you do something exciting enough to tell a story about on Monday!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Leap of Faith
"No one looks back on their life and remembers that night they got lots of sleep."
Leaving. Leaving will be hard. But staying isn't really an option. Staying in college, isn't one of my choices. I look to my right and see my cap and gown hanging in my closet. I haven't started packing. And in two weeks: I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life. There are thousands of options. And staying here, unfortunately is not an option. I can go in fact, anywhere but here.
When I came to college I swore I wouldn't change. And there's some truth to that. I'm still me, I haven't changed who I am. But there are aspects that have drastically changed. I'd like to think that they've changed for the better but that's not really for me to judge, moreso for others. The thing about college, and growing up, is that just when it seems you've gotten everything together it's time to move. I came to college to learn about life and myself and psychology. After everything that I've gone through, the person that I've grown into, having the right people in my life, and the right direction to go along with it. Just when I got everything together, I have to change my entire life. I don't even have a place to live come May 19th.
In the past four years I can remember the best days of my life alongside the worst side by side. None of these memories are worse than the other. I believe that I am equally thankful for both of them. Remember, the struggles are just as important as the victories.
But still, I can't imagine my life without my teammates. I can't imagine taking classes with a professor that I don't know or trust. I can't imagine living anywhere that's not on WLC's campus in the safety that I've grown accustomed to. It's scary to realize that for the first time in my life I'll be completely alone. Oh, and completely broke at the same time. Kind of a fatal combination if you ask me. Who, I ask you, will kill the bugs in my apartment? Who will I spend my nights hanging out with. I'm the only one who's planning her life around more schooling. My friends are divided up into two main categories. Category one is the "I must get out of here" category. These are the people who are moving back home whether that be an hour south or across the country. These are the category of job hunters who are looking for an actual career and will be going to wherever they find that. Category number two are the wives. These are my friends who are are getting married and will be moving in with their husbands as soon as said wedding happens. So they can't stay here either. I don't belong in either of these categories, and there aren't a lot of other people in the "I just signed up for 5 more years of school" group. In so many ways, I'm on my own.
Don't get my somewhat depressing musings wrong. I'm not sad, nor have I ever for one second regretted my decision. I know it's time to get out on my own, to move forward, and to get a Psy.D.
It's just that the initial jump out of the nest can be scary for the bird that's never flown before.
And to take that leap requires great faith. I'm not quite sure I have that much faith in myself yet. I KNOW that's the greatest sign that I need to move out and move on. But still, it would be nice to have some sort of reassurance before I go that I won't end up living in a cardboard box on the side of the road.
But wait......there's more.
There is one more thing to be exact. The running thing. I have to take a leap of faith there. It's time to stop being afraid. It's time to stop running around saying things like " My foot's broken" and "I can't run because my foot will break". I do not know when the day will come when I'll be ready to race again. It may be in a month, it may be in a year. I have to focus so much right now on just getting healthy that racing and being competitive just aren't options. But in the same breath all of this work, all of my experiences, can't have been for nothing. There has to be a reason. When I say that thousands of things pop into my mind. What exactly will come out of it? Winning rent money by running road races? A partial sponsorship in a triathlon? I don't know. What I do know, it that I'm going to have to take a jump, and as scary as it's all going to be, it's just going to force me to fly.
Leaving. Leaving will be hard. But staying isn't really an option. Staying in college, isn't one of my choices. I look to my right and see my cap and gown hanging in my closet. I haven't started packing. And in two weeks: I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life. There are thousands of options. And staying here, unfortunately is not an option. I can go in fact, anywhere but here.
When I came to college I swore I wouldn't change. And there's some truth to that. I'm still me, I haven't changed who I am. But there are aspects that have drastically changed. I'd like to think that they've changed for the better but that's not really for me to judge, moreso for others. The thing about college, and growing up, is that just when it seems you've gotten everything together it's time to move. I came to college to learn about life and myself and psychology. After everything that I've gone through, the person that I've grown into, having the right people in my life, and the right direction to go along with it. Just when I got everything together, I have to change my entire life. I don't even have a place to live come May 19th.
In the past four years I can remember the best days of my life alongside the worst side by side. None of these memories are worse than the other. I believe that I am equally thankful for both of them. Remember, the struggles are just as important as the victories.
But still, I can't imagine my life without my teammates. I can't imagine taking classes with a professor that I don't know or trust. I can't imagine living anywhere that's not on WLC's campus in the safety that I've grown accustomed to. It's scary to realize that for the first time in my life I'll be completely alone. Oh, and completely broke at the same time. Kind of a fatal combination if you ask me. Who, I ask you, will kill the bugs in my apartment? Who will I spend my nights hanging out with. I'm the only one who's planning her life around more schooling. My friends are divided up into two main categories. Category one is the "I must get out of here" category. These are the people who are moving back home whether that be an hour south or across the country. These are the category of job hunters who are looking for an actual career and will be going to wherever they find that. Category number two are the wives. These are my friends who are are getting married and will be moving in with their husbands as soon as said wedding happens. So they can't stay here either. I don't belong in either of these categories, and there aren't a lot of other people in the "I just signed up for 5 more years of school" group. In so many ways, I'm on my own.
Don't get my somewhat depressing musings wrong. I'm not sad, nor have I ever for one second regretted my decision. I know it's time to get out on my own, to move forward, and to get a Psy.D.
It's just that the initial jump out of the nest can be scary for the bird that's never flown before.
And to take that leap requires great faith. I'm not quite sure I have that much faith in myself yet. I KNOW that's the greatest sign that I need to move out and move on. But still, it would be nice to have some sort of reassurance before I go that I won't end up living in a cardboard box on the side of the road.
But wait......there's more.
There is one more thing to be exact. The running thing. I have to take a leap of faith there. It's time to stop being afraid. It's time to stop running around saying things like " My foot's broken" and "I can't run because my foot will break". I do not know when the day will come when I'll be ready to race again. It may be in a month, it may be in a year. I have to focus so much right now on just getting healthy that racing and being competitive just aren't options. But in the same breath all of this work, all of my experiences, can't have been for nothing. There has to be a reason. When I say that thousands of things pop into my mind. What exactly will come out of it? Winning rent money by running road races? A partial sponsorship in a triathlon? I don't know. What I do know, it that I'm going to have to take a jump, and as scary as it's all going to be, it's just going to force me to fly.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
May Flowers and Goals.
"Don't give up on me, I'm about to come alive" -Train
It has been an extremely profound month for me. I can't remember ever having grown so much in my life as I did this month. Sure, as always it came with it's portion of burdens and hardships but at the same time I got more wonderful things out of it. It was again, a game of give and take, taking the good with the bad, all in stride.
Here's a look back at April
2. First warm day bike 70 miles. April 15th.
7. Cook all of the vegetarian dishes I pinned in pinterest. (this is also code for don't eat any meat, work on becoming a full time vegetarian) Haven't eaten any meat in a month!
9. Run Run Run Run! I should be cleared by April 18th! Done and conquered
10. Don't be afraid to go running. :)
Apparently I didn't do the best with some of these. haha. But I do feel like I accomplished the important ones (ahem...RUNNING!). Getting cleared was a big step for me this month. But getting clear-headed was an even bigger step for me. I've slowly but surely been making peace with the world now that I'm able to run again. Letting go of all of my anger and resentment of this injury and getting back on track, learning to love both life and running in moderation. Slowly, I've allowed running, and thoughts of running back into my life.
So what's next?
May
1. Start running regularly. Slowly inch yourself back into the swing of things. You can do it!
2. THIS MONTH: at least one 350 mile week.
3. Stretch nonstop. stretch stretch stretch. no more achilles issues.
4. Keep with vegetarianism keep focusing on protein though too.
5. Start swimming more. Its good for you!
6. 80 mile ride anyone?
7. Find a job. And an apartment. ugh
8. Graduate from college.
These are pretty hefty goals so I'm just going to leave it there for now. I pray that I continue to live and learn and grow and conquer. I have a lot of big big changes coming up. But change makes life that much more adventurous.
Adversity: Conquer it.
It has been an extremely profound month for me. I can't remember ever having grown so much in my life as I did this month. Sure, as always it came with it's portion of burdens and hardships but at the same time I got more wonderful things out of it. It was again, a game of give and take, taking the good with the bad, all in stride.
Here's a look back at April
1. Call your grad school. Tell them you're coming. For sure. Done and done. Hello Wisconsin School of Professional Psychology.
3. Start eating super, super healthy Doing pretty well, not sure I should cross it off though.
4. Go to more yoga classes. 300 miles/week of cycling demands this Fail. I haven't gone to any. I'm currently paying for it with the biggest cramp my calf has ever seen.
5. Speaking of cycling....weather permitting 350 mile week. Weather permitting. exactly. Stupid April.
6. I turn 22 on April 2nd. Since I turned 21 I have never purchased for myself an alcoholic beverage. Go to a bar and do this! Not. I'm a baby what can I say.
8. Try to swim at least 1 day per week. Ummmm I swam like once.
Apparently I didn't do the best with some of these. haha. But I do feel like I accomplished the important ones (ahem...RUNNING!). Getting cleared was a big step for me this month. But getting clear-headed was an even bigger step for me. I've slowly but surely been making peace with the world now that I'm able to run again. Letting go of all of my anger and resentment of this injury and getting back on track, learning to love both life and running in moderation. Slowly, I've allowed running, and thoughts of running back into my life.
So what's next?
May
1. Start running regularly. Slowly inch yourself back into the swing of things. You can do it!
2. THIS MONTH: at least one 350 mile week.
3. Stretch nonstop. stretch stretch stretch. no more achilles issues.
4. Keep with vegetarianism keep focusing on protein though too.
5. Start swimming more. Its good for you!
6. 80 mile ride anyone?
7. Find a job. And an apartment. ugh
8. Graduate from college.
These are pretty hefty goals so I'm just going to leave it there for now. I pray that I continue to live and learn and grow and conquer. I have a lot of big big changes coming up. But change makes life that much more adventurous.
Adversity: Conquer it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)