The NEW training rules

"Running should be free, man" Cabello Blanco


The past couple of weeks I've been working on intelligently rebuilding my miles from that dusty pile of remains my once-spectacular running career had become. My problems stem mostly from anxiety. They range from the ever-present race anxiety to foot breaking anxiety. So I've been working on developing different systems and training methods that work for me but probably sound unheard of to most. Have fun!

Free Run
A free run means leaving your watch, your ipod, heart rate monitors, iphones, etc....at home and taking nothing with you but your shoes...if you aren't into the barefoot thing. When I get too absorbed by the community of racing and perfection and fastness I find it helpful not to know how far I've gone, not to know how fast, but instead to focus on how my feet sound on the trails, what my pace settles into instead of what it "should" be. It's nice, at least once a week or two to step back and just run until I'm good and ready to be done instead of when I'm supposed to be. What it helps me the most with is when that love of running is zonking out a little bit and I need to get it back. 


U-Pace Run
We've all heard of T-pace and I-pace, race pace, and easy pace. Let me introduce you to my newest philosophy in the bunch: U-Pace. As with the traditional grade school method of grading U-pace stands for "unsatisfactory" as in this pace is so dang slow and pathethic that it deserves a grade given to a second grader who isn't even trying to learn subtraction. It's unsatisfactory. That's how I feel. But really...the second meaning for U-pace is "ultra marathon pace" I'm not into taking days off of running. I feel really bad about myself when I do and I tend to feel worse the day after a day off. So instead of taking a day off in every 4 day cycle (I tend to work my schedule in 4 day increments unlike most people who work them in 1 week increments) I schedule 1 U-pace day. U-pace days are typically not allowed to be any longer than 30 minutes and (for me)  not any faster than 8 minute miles. I try to shoot for 9-10 minute pace usually though. From the second I step out the door until I stop my watch I am in the mindset that I must be running a pace that I could easily maintain for 100 miles. It is supposed to be painfully slow. this.is. recovery.

4 Day Cycles
As I mentioned above I gave up scheduling things in week-long incremnts. I still add up my mileage every week to see where I'm at, but in general I prefer to do my running schedule every 4 days instead of every 7. Before when I ran I was just trying to make it through a week: long run, easy, hard,easy, hard, easy, long. My whole week was centered around the mileage goal which I was always either trying to reach or trying not to go over. In addition my week also centered around those long runs making sure I didn't schedule hard and long too close together....there were too many touchy variables that I had to be careful of, too many goals to make. Maybe someday I can go back to that but right now my training flows around 4 main days.

Day 1. Long. Go as long as you feel comfortable (but no more than 10% longer than you went on your last long day) If you can't do more than 8 don't. If you feel ready to do 13 or 14 or build by 10% it's up to you.
Day 2. Drop your long run by about 20%. I typically follow a 20 minute rule though based on how I'm feeling. If I did 1 hour and 20 I usually run an hour. If I ran my long in an hour I usually do 40. This pace should be relatively easy. At the end 6-8 strides of 50-100 meters. (barefoot if you can)
Day 3. Tempo and speed. Minute-wise this run should be about the same as day 2. However, add in some sort of speed work. Right now, I'm staying away from intense track work so my Day 3's are based around heavily upon long tempo runs. For example: a warm up of 10 minutes easy, 20 minutes @ tempo (about 40 seconds slower than race pace) and a 10 minute cool down. OR a 3-5 mile progressive run (getting faster as you go.) OR a fartlek
Day 4. Rest, regroup, and re-evaluate. On the beginning of all day 4's I always take time to really pay attention to my body and what it may need and how it's feeling after the previous three days. What's sore? What needs extra stretching? If I'm really hurting somewhere and afraid of injury it's the day 4's that are the days off where I would hypothetically just swim or bike. Once the regrouping is good and I feel confident that I don't need a day off, this then is the day for U-pace so I set out of my house for 3-4 miles at a nice 8-10  minute per mile trot. Followed by 4-6 strides of 50-100 meters.

Katie Miles
I base all runs off of 7 minute pace (except U-pace obviously). This means that when I add up my mileage regardless of how fast it actually was I count it as 7 minute per mile pace. It's easier to keep track of mileage this way and bases training on effort instead of junk miles. So yeah...I lose sometimes when I have some soft of epic run that I do 6:45 pace for 12 miles. But it also allows me to have days where I do 7:30  pace for 8 miles if it's hot or I feel crappy. This system (based on 'badger miles' used at the program at the University of Wisconsin-Madison) allows for the flexibility to base each run on how you're feeling and not what you "have" to do.

Equal Opportunity Cross Training
 Swimming is and 1:1 ratio. Minutes spent swimming=minutes spent running. It takes me about an hour to swim a 5k. This equals the effort that It would have taken me to run for an hour. I.E. it goes down in the log as a 3 mile swim and effort-wise is equal to about an 8 mile run. Biking is a 4:1 ratio. All biking miles must be divided by 4 and then logged. A 40 mile bike is equal to a 10 mile run. An 80 mile bike is technically equal to a 20 mile run. HOWEVER the wear and tear is much less SO if it's a U-pace day and I bike instead I am not limited to biking for only 16 miles to equal a 4 mile run. This system is set. No changes, ifs, ands, or buts.

and finally....
Zero Pressure Racing
Races in 2012 have a clause attached to them. I am required by myself to only tempo them. If I'm feeling awesome and not scared then O.K. I'm all over this whole racing thing, but for the time being there's no pressure to "win" and times? Times don't matter. I can run a 25 minute 5k for all I care as long as I don't get injured.

It's new and it's different but right now there are the things that are working for me. Hopefully they can start working for other people as well. It's not traditional at all, however "tradition" wasn't working for me. Right now I'm just enjoying the time where I get to run free and as fast...or slow ...as I want

Four Random Things Friday

"Sometimes the most beautiful thing you can do for someone is simply to believe in them"


1. So I think that I've changed my mind about something. I know  I love biking and swimming. But I just don't think that now is the time for a triathlon. I'm just not quite ready and the idea isn't exciting  me like it used to. I think the fact that I swim 5k's all the time and ride 100-112 miles frequently kind of took some of the excitement out of an ironman. I'm not even in good shape and I can do this. However, I can't run a marathon And obviously, I need to get on that before I go and sign up for an ironman. That's exactly what I plan to do. I feel slightly like I'm betraying biking and all the hundreds of miles I put in but...running is my first love and I have things to finish before I stop the competitive running completely. This does not mean I'm not doing an ironman. It simply means I don't have the time right now...and I'm still a little caught up in this whole "running dream" that one has to die before I start over with a new dream.

How am I going to do this you may be asking? Here's a quick run-down of the plan: I'm running two half marathons one in October (a trail half) and one in the end of September/beginning of November. THEN I'm running a marathon in December (please please please no injuries)

2. I had the nicest most wonderful thing happen to me the other day. One of my customers sent an email to my manager ...and I quote "Katie sold me on Wheel and Sprocket and Trek" and then it goes on to tell about how wonderful their experience working with me was. I love humanity :) And I love that humanity loves me back.

3. I'm sick of being really poor. I don't know if I can take 5 more years of this. urg. It disgusts me to realize that I can barely pay for groceries because I CHOSE TO GET A PH.D. how is that fair? I had a job interview yesterday for a position called a psychometrist....but for the first time in my experience I had NO IDEA what they thought of me and also for the first time in my experience I was not offered the job on the spot. I've never actually had a job interview that didn't end with a job so now I'm extremely nervous and freaking out about what they thought of me. I also have this running critique in my head that sounds like a broken record saying things like "you should have prepared better...you used the word "like" one too many times...you didn't make yourself seem invaluable to the company...you didn't advertise your abilities well enough" arg...well I'll inform you in a couple more weeks if they actually thought it went as horribly as I thought it did. I can always work at a bike store the rest of my life I suppose...

4. Sorry for another one about running...but yesterday I think I somehow had the best run of my entire life. I did an hour and 18 minutes all at a little bit sub-7ish. I had to make myself stop after that. I know, I know, I'm as surprised as anyone. I didn't know I had that in me and yet....
It was then that I decided on doing this whole marathon thing. Maybe even an ultra. Who knows? (MUST KEEP EATING CALCIUM)


My apologies for being so hyped up on some sort of weird running high today. I promise I'll be back to cursing about it the next time something starts hurting.

But otherwise...happy Friday :)

Human

"After all, we're only human"

I've been realizing lately and when I say lately over the past year that I'm not as invincible as I normally pretend that I am. This realization began of course with the breaking of the foot and is finishing because with each and every dumb thing that I do I realize that I'm just going to get hurt if I continue on with my stupid path. I've said it before, but I promise I'm doing my very best to take care of myself...but I'm really not good at it.

So, on my run today, I asked myself what is the point of being only human? As humans we constantly create and emulate things greater than us, things that we can never aspire to be. We write about characters that could never be real, invent superheros to solve the problems we can't, and religiously follow our own twisted standard of perfection.

But what's wrong with being "only" human? Without being human we would never know pain or sorrow or love or friendship....what I'm saying is that we'd be robots.

Lately I've been struggling a lot with who I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going. I assume that this is nothing more than all 22 year olds go through at this exact point in their lives.
Do I do the grad school thing?
Do I settle down and get married?
Do I focus on my career as a triathlete instead?
Would I like a dog or a cat someday?
One or two story house?
Sports psychology or forensic psychology?

The questions, I assume differ for everyone but the point is the same. In this world we're all running with no direction, no definite plan, no knowledge of what could or could not happen in the future.
So do we keep running towards it?

The answer I came to as I was running today was yes. Keep running as fast as you can and do everything that you can along the way. What's a beautiful run in the woods if you don't stop and admire the view? Why bike 50 miles if you're not going somewhere with beautiful scenery?

I guess what I'm just saying is that I've been realizing that no matter how much, or how fast I run towards my goals or away from my problems we're all equally lost in this life. We're all equally confused as to how to do our best job to be perfect. Why? Because we're human and we fail at being perfect each and every time.

But, in an answer to my origional question that's the beaty of being just human. We make mistakes. We regret them, we make the right choices. And all through out this mess we realize that being perfect is not what it's about. It's about being the best human possible. Nothing else in eternity has the chance we do: to mess up and find beauty along the way anyways. I think that's the best part about being human. That, and the fact that we have other humans to share that imperfect life with.

Signs I'm an Exercise Addict in RFF Form

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with" -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City


1. The good news is my foot is not broken (but the whole world knew that except for me I think.)

2. The bad news of course, is that I'm still an idiot. This is why:

3. Last week I raced on Wednesday.

4. On Saturday I decided to run for an hour and 20 minutes. Genius.

5. So then I woke up on Sunday and I ran a bit and my foot started hurting later that afternoon. I fell into some sort of hysterics about my foot being broken again. I didn't do my second run Sunday night, I didn't run  Monday and Tuesday was more of an experiment in pain tolerance than a jog. Wednesday I didn't even touch my running shoes.

6. Luckily I have the best family in the world. For that I can never be thankful enough.

7. My aunt came to visit on the Fourth of July and so I drove south to visit her and my parents. Distraught about my foot, and life in general I spent the morning with her talking about running and my injuries, and life and stretching out my tight hips and checking over my running form.

We discovered that I'm still favoring my heel. After 9 months I'm still afraid to run on it. So therefore, on my left leg I fall into the habit of running on the outside of my foot. Perhaps...perhaps this is why my arch is hurting.

And in addition, I fell into the "too much too soon" trap again. I don't have a good reason for why I needed to run for an hour and 20 minutes only two days after my first race since November. I freely admit my exercise addiction and that's probably why. I know you're rolling your eyes right now, but running is just so stinking addicting. Unfortunately I've barely been able to run since.

After the 3 hour stretching/massaging/therapy session with my aunt (who is apparently a miracle worker) I was able to run 5 miles pain free. I wasn't in the mood to test my luck so after 40 minutes I stopped running. But it was pain free and that's the important part. I also concentrated really, really, hard on my foot plant and that seemed to help me a bit too.

So now it's been massaging and stretching 24/7 and worrying about running or not running and trying to get back to running a ton. Story of my life. But I'm still learning my lesson, and I'm still learning about moderation, and still learning that you can't just take out all of your frustrations in a 12 mile run per day (not yet that is) Curse these stupid self-inflicted injuries.

8. I will do an ironman. Maybe and ultra marathon. Just gotta keep being patient with myself, and keep a good head on my shoulders when exercise addiction threatens to take over.


9. My job interview went well this week. Crossing fingers I get this job ...even if it means leaving the bike shop :(

This week's goal: Cut down on running, and keep believing :)

Happy weekend everyone. Stay cool in this ridiculous weather.

Random Fact Fridays

"To be yourself in a world where people are trying to be anything but themselves is a great victory"


1. I may have caught the biggest break of my life this week. Two words: job. offer. And no, it's not another bike store. Words can not describe how sad I'll be if I have to leave the BEST JOB EVER for another, potentially better job.


2. I'm still stunned by the fact that I raced on Wednesday. I never actually thought I'd want to again. And now here I am looking for another one.


3. I really really want to go get a tattoo. But I need money first....something I really, really, don't have enough of.


4. I refuse to turn my air conditioning on because I don't want our electricity bill to go up.


5. Scenic nature pictures make me happy. They also make me want to go running.


6. Someday I want to make a ton of money so that I can give it away. (after buying a pony)


7. I love shopping for office supplies -type things. I.E. Receipt holders, planners, etc... When it comes to life organization I have a touch of OCD.


8. I am 22 years old and have consumed three beers in my entire life. Once on a beach in Jamaica, once when I went to a bar with one of my friends and didn't know what else to order, and once when I chugged it immediately after a 5k. (aka last Wednesday.)


9. My favorite books are Eat. Pray. Love. and To Kill a Mockingbird


10. I actually, hope I'm just like my parents when I grow up (shhh don't tell them that)


11. I hate when people leave me voicemails. Just hang up and text dang it.


12.  I never ever ever want to get injured again. I freak out whenever anything twinges and always assume it's a stress fracture. I need someone to follow me on my runs daily and remind me that it's going to be ok and stop me from freaking out. Ever since I bumped my mileage back up it's almost constantly on my mind.


13. I wish I had better abs.


14. Everytime I go on facebook someone I knew in high school either got engaged or married or had a baby.


15. I'm seriously considering a 12 mile run this weekend.

Happy Friday Everyone ! 

So Much Happy

"Take pride in how far you have come, and have faith in how far you can go"


Confidence. Believe. Smile Smile Smile :)

The gun goes off and so does some little mechanism in my brain that's been out of order for some time now. Maybe it was the sound of a starting gun (ok it was actually a horn) or maybe it was that this is exactly what I needed to refocus myself, or maybe I just had to be in this exact moment to remember what I was missing.

What I expected while racing was a lot of things. I expected to be sore. And miserable and slow and tired and scared and frustrated. But once I started running, once the race actually began, the only thought that came into my mind was this: so. much. happy. I was so happy to be running and the feeling of racing and the excitement at the beginning of it all.

I set out this afternoon to the Milwaukee Lakefront to run the Super Run 5k. I picked this race for my first one in which to get over my fear of racing because it seemed small and harmless and hopefully no one I knew would be there. I even entered as "Katherine" instead of "Katie" you know...so  no one would know for sure if it was me or not.

The race takes place on top of a bluff right next to Lake Michigan and includes the hills to get  up and down that bluff. Unfortunately, not even my careful preparation to pick a low-key small-ish road race prepared me for the giant hill that I had to run up right after the first mile marker.

I didn't plan on actually trying until right around a mile and a half. I know what you're thinking "How can you not try in a race?" I know it sounds bad, but please, hear me out. I went into this thing really fearful about how I would react mentally. I mean, considering that the last race I entered I passed out halfway through and broke my foot. I just didn't know if my head would get in the game or not. So I started out super easy as if I was just doing a fast training run. But then I started passing people and I thought maybe this might not be so bad.

I had a couple initial thoughts of dropping out. But I kept trucking along at my not-quite-race-pace-but-still-quick speed. Eventually I heard people calling out places and realized that I might actually win something. This is new territory for me. In college you don't get to win things. They give you t-shirts usually or sometimes medals. In real life they give you stuff. And I wasn't going to let my fear of breaking my foot talk me out of getting stuff. Because....I mean...we all know how poor I am. Seriously.

Long story short I crossed the finishline of this hot, hilly, course in a less than impressive time but still the second woman overall. So they gave me this:

.....Which entitles me to a free pair of shoes. HOORAY!!!! So if you're keeping up with the math:
-$25 entry fee
-$5 in gas
+25 T-shirt (entry fee money)
+$5 (free socks)
+$130 pair of shoes.
+ Unlimited free beer after the race.....

Luckily forking over the original entry fee was worth it because now I don't have to pay for my next pair of shoes.  All in all this was a good day. Not necessarily what I wanted to run for a 5k, but for the heat and the hills I can deal with it.

And finally, after the race the entire field of Milwaukee-natives partied it up as only Wisco runners know how to do. Miller provided unlimited free beer and I saw many a runner beeline straight from the finish to the beer table, skipping over the water. Now....I myself am traditionally a drinking something fruity with an umbrella in it kind of girl but...when in Rome...So I grabbed a beer and downed it with a couple of my friends before I left on my cool down. I can't say for sure, but I had already run 7 miles and was working on my final three. I've never had alcohol in conjunction with running before, but how awesome I felt on my cool down suggests that maybe the two work better together than I thought.

Oh stop it. I only had the one and then it was back to vitamin water zeros and other electrolyte-enhanced beverages.

I may have won free shoes today but I think I won back something even better. I nearly broke down after the race realizing that I can in fact still do  this, still race, still love running. And THAT was the best part of all.

So much beyond happiness

Running Blind

"Always let your faith be bigger than your fear"

Blind Race This kind of running is defined as going into a race completely blind as to how you may do because you haven't done any official training and have no idea how fast you are. 

So I have decided, out of the blue, to do a blind race this coming Wednesday. I'm not really sure what possessed me to sign up for this race when I did. In fact I still wonder every day why exactly I decided to do this when I'm not even sure if I can run three straight miles at one time, much less do it quickly.

There's also the dilemma of the foot. Now, when I signed up for this race, I did it primarily because I knew that the next race that I jumped back into was going to be difficult because....let's face it...I was going to be scared. Scared for my foot, scared to be slow, scared of not finishing...So I figured that it was better to just do the thing and  get it out of my system as soon as possible so i could get back to racing. Right? Right?

So then on Saturday only a few days before said race, my foot starts hurting. Crap. Stress fracture. So spent most of Saturday's 10-miler worrying about my foot. Most of Saturday after the run worrying about my foot. Pretty much spending every second worrying about the foot. That is, of course, when I realized that this was the reason I had to race. Because I knew that as soon as I signed up for one, my  foot would start hurting. And true to form, it did. Once I realized this though? Foot pain-gone.

I decided that I couldn't just do a race completely blind without any sort indication of how terrible it was going to be. I wanted to  do a couple of faster paced intervals just to see how I was doing. So yesterday I devised a speed workout for myself. An easy one, I"ll give you that, but a speed workout nontheless. It went well. I won't bore you with the splits and statistics and how fast I thought I was running, but I will tell you this: I ran the workout faster than I used to run my workouts in college.I got done with the first 400 and stared at my watch...not really sure how in the world I was going be able to keep that up for an entire workout. I took my next one a bit slower but was able to keep the pace relatively well. I did mostly just 400s and 200s. 

 This is not to say that I am faster than I was in college because I'm definitely not. However, I am in relatively good shape.
Today, my calves are sore with the lovely pain from running fast in spikes. And I'm tired. so tired. But it feels good. It feels-victorious in a way. haha. I'm really glad that I forced myself to do a speed workout.

Now, back to that race. I'm still running relatively blind. The speed workout gave me a smidge of confidence but not that much. Though winning, and confidence is not the point of this race. The point is me, getting back out there and proving to myself once and for all that my foot isn't going to break every time that I race.

 I'm excited to blindly run forward and get to experience a race 8 months after I never thought I would run again. Wish me luck!

RFF

1. At the bike store I work at I am already famous amongst my co-workers for having the most muscular legs.

2. I'm considering trying veganism.

3. I have an obsession with black beans and anything made with black beans.

4. I recently read the #1 book on New York Times best seller list 50 Shades of Grey. For a bestseller it was pretty awful. BUT now I'm obsessed and have to read the rest of the series to figure out what happens.

5. I put chia seeds and flaxmeal in prettttty much everything.

6. I write out a monthly budget every month and put the designated amount of cash into the designated envelope.

7. I get a lot of my blog quotes from the inspirational tweeters that I follow.

8. Unlike most people, my hair looks awesome when it's humid.

9. Whenever I'm bored and sitting somewhere I massage the bottom of my foot with a golf ball.

10. I bake oftentimes when I'm upset.

11. I re-organized the tri wall at work and got two new free swim caps for doing it. Well...more like because I was complaining about how fast I ruin swim caps.

12. Living on my own is harder than  I thought it would be. I hate being in charge of my own bills and things like that. It's so complicated.

13. I miss my physical therapist, though I'm glad I'm not in physical therapy anymore.

14. I've been swimming a lot more lately and I've realized that I missed it a lot.

15. SOMEWHERE deep down inside I found the will to race again (more later!)

16. I'm really bad at unlocking doors. It takes me forever to figure out which way to turn the key.

17. I feel like all of my friends are married or engaged and thinking about babies. I  however, continue to patiently wait for the whole "I want a family" gene to kick in. I'll probably end up a crazy cat lady yet.

18. I run faster on trails than on roads.

19. My food tastes have been changing a lot lately.  A lot of the foods I used to love I just don't really care about anymore (raisens, carrots, celery, honey,) Recently all it's been a lot of cereal and apples.

20. During my runs I stop and have random dance parties a lot. Yes of course I make sure no one is watching.

Happy Weekend!

An Accidental Victory

"Never forget that even an ounce of believing in yourself can carry you past a million ounces of doubt"


Sorry, I don't run. I am, after all, training for an ironman. It's not like I have time to run half marathons you know. I am too. cool. to. run. 


Or at least, this is the lie that I kept replaying in my head. This past Saturday my crazy mother and my boyfriend had just signed up for a half-marathon in my old hometown and I grudgingly took off of work at THE BEST JOB EVER in order to go cheer them on, for a race that I wasn't running, that....let me add I was pretty bitter about not running. I've wanted to win this half marathon for the past two years, and both times I've been dealing with a crippling injury that has withheld me from said race. 


Come to think of it...bitter doesn't really even begin to cover it. I didn't want to watch. I wanted to run, and as far as I was concerned the fact that I couldn't run it...I might as well be selling people more $2,000 mountain bikes where, at least I would be more useful. So I decided to do my run during the race and did my best to give off my "I bike too much to care about running" vibe which was not true in the least.

Soon after I started running though the tables turned. Running in Fort Atkinson where I grew up is so much better than Milwaukee. I almost always have good runs regardless of how I'm feeling when I come home to visit my parents. Yesterday was no exception, though I expected it to be. By some happy accident, the more I ran, the further I ran, the better I felt. I ran to different points of the race to meet the runners and cheer for them running the course backwards. By the time I finished my watch read 1:11. In addition I had run to the racecourse from my house. An additional, unaccounted for 7 minutes.

Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. I didn't mean to run for 1 hour and 18 minutes you know. I only meant to run 50. But...slowly I realized that in fact, my legs felt fine. And more importantly, my foot felt fine. No pain...and slowly the panic subsided and was replaced with this incredulous joy. Even being extremely conservative concerning my pace I had run 11 miles. Maybe 10.5. I haven't run that far in months. I haven't even run that far since before the breaking of the foot. This was my longest run in possibly 9 months. And I didn't even notice.

Turns out that watching that half marathon awoke something in me that's been trying to surface again for months now, something that I've been ignoring. That something is the fact that I don't hate running, that I love it. Oh...and that my foot is not broken. It's time now to stop saying that.

This week I've run:
8 Sunday
8 Monday
Biked 112 Tuesday
8 Wednesday
7 Thursday
11(ish) Saturday.
(plus miscellaneous biking and swimming)

That equals ....WHAT?!? Even as I type it now, I don't believe it. I haven't run that many miles...in forever.  NO WONDER I've been sore and tired. I didn't know I was running that much. I didn't think I could  run that much. And with an 11 at the tail end of it? Friday's off-day was totally worth it as far as I'm concerned. How is it that I'm already running that much?

It's like an accident, like I was just trying to keep the reins on and keep myself under control and try to get better and try to get healed and all of a sudden I found myself back where I was months ago. Somehow I wound up back...maybe even better than when I started.

So thankful for the week, so thankful for my body that bounced back into a 40 mile week without me even realizing it, without me even trying. So thankful that I went kicking and screaming to watch that half-marathon so that some kind of running-loving could re-awake inside of me.  The best is, of course yet to come. :) No more panic, no more pain, no more broken foot.

It seems I have conquered something which I never thought I would- a broken foot along with a broken confidence.

Friday Facts

"Keep on dreamin' even if it breaks your heart"


1. I bought a new lucky sportsbra and new lucky green socks today. Which brought to mind a question: can you purchase things with the intention of them being lucky? Hm...more on this later next week. 


2. I would give up going to graduate school full time if someone offered to sponsor me in triathlons (a girl can dream ok) shhhh don't tell my parents this. lol


3. I sometimes jump into my apartment's pool instead of showering if I don't have enough time. 


4. I don't take flattery very well. I turn all red and stare at the ground. In the same breath I thrive on pleasing people and making them happy. 


5. My best friend grew up on a farm and they raise goats, so when we were in high school I used to spend the night there and get up at 5am with her to feed baby goats, which are by the way, adorable. 


6. Calling people I don't know on the phone makes me really nervous. 


7. I've always wanted to adopt a child. 


8. I signed up for something exciting this week. I'm not telling because I'm a bit nervous that I'm in over my head and don't want to jinx it, but it's over a week away and I already have some serious butterflies going on. It's a good feeling. It may have also been a really, really, poor impulse decision. Oh well, I guess we'll see. 


9. I miss my college friends a lot. Particularly my track teammates. 


10. I want to run a marathon. I'd rather train for a half-iron man though. 


11. Yesterday, I bonked on my run. It was pretty awesome. After Tuesday's 112-miler and Wednesday's 7.5 miles at 6:50 pace I set off to run to work on Thursday. I opened somewhere around 6:20 pace. Legs died. haha. Yessss I'm taking today off.  


12. It makes me really upset when customers/other drivers/strangers who hate bikers/etc yell at me. It ruins my day to think that someone who hasn't even met me could dislike me that much. What is this world coming to?


13.I enjoy a good beer now and again. But I don't like anything too bitter. 


14.  I'm working SO HARD at taking better care of my body with all of this training but it's hard to know what works and what won't. Oh....and I need to drink a heck of a lot more water than I do currently. 


15.  Now that I'm really poor I'm also really cheap. I refuse to spend money on anything if it's not a.) something I NEED to live or b.) something that I NEED for biking/running/swimming. 


16. I eat too much peanut butter. 


17. My sense of humor is outrageously sarcastic and can take some getting used to. 


18. Right now, I have too many goals and not enough lifetimes. 


Have a great weekend everyone!

Brand New Dreams

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again"




I began something important yesterday. Obviously I figured that everyone in the universe should know about it, and thus here you go. 


A long time ago I started thinking about doing an Ironman. When I first began this thought process I was in the peak of my running days, with everything to lose and yet nothing to fear. I wasn't sure about that whole swim/bike thing but I was pretty sure that running a marathon would be a piece of cake for me.


Fast forward 1 year and 6 months. That dream didn't go away, it just changed a bit. I realized that swimming a 4k....that's not too bad...it doesn't even take an hour. But the bike? I'll get to that later... the marathon? Oh gosh. 


But back to the biking thing. Yesterday, I got it into my head that I needed to see if I could make it. Not 100 because I've done that already, but the IM distance-112. In the last 22 miles something grabbed hold of me and I realized that this "crazy" thing could actually become a reality sometime in the near future. Turns out that the only thing I didn't think I'd have to worry about is the thing that I'm the least confident about. Twenty-six miles is  quite a bit of running people! And especially after that much swimming and biking. I gave up on running a marathon ever about 9 months ago so this is a scary plan for me to really make a reality. However, today I don't have any sore muscles considering the 112 bike-a bit of chafing, but no sore muscles amazingly enough. Sorry for the rambling but I'm trying to make sense of this plan as I type. 


I'd like to set my sights on IM Wisconsin within the next 3-5 years. I know that it takes about a full year to get used to and train for an Ironman. In addition, training for this is going to require of me a new bike, and oh...yeah the ability to run too. 


But even with all of these obstacles in the way, I do believe that this is the direction I must head. I declared yesterday the official "Iron(wo)man training day 1" and I am holding myself to Ironman WI within the next 5 year (hopefully sooner)


Keep on dreaming my friends, but also realize that even when one dream fails, a better one is soon to follow. 

1000 Miles of Forgiveness

"Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father, run for your children, for your sisters and brothers. Leave all you love and your longing behind, you can't carry them with you if you want to survive"
 -Florence and the Machine, Dog Days are Over


Running, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My feet pound over and over to this rhythm. Each step is another apology to that which I love, to myself, to everything I almost gave up on. I'm sorry I'm sorry.

Maybe I apologize too much. Maybe not. Either way it's something I feel I must apologize for. To myself anyways. To think that I almost gave up completely that I can not go one day without  thinking about. I'm just thankful every day that I decided at the last second to give it one last try.

It's funny what a turn things have taken. I've progressed rather quickly from how much I used to hate running until now. What flipped the switch exactly I'm not sure. I stayed in my hating running slump for quite some time before I was able to shake it off. Just like during a long run it came somewhere along the 5 mile mark before I relaxed. Once my runs hit 45 minutes I started to feel more confident and less scared. And suddenly I leap that hurdle. I'm now ready to run 8, 10, 15 miles. I'm planning a half marathon in the fall, I'm itching for speed workouts, I want to race.

It's like I'm starting all over again and I have the whole rest of my life to make up for what I almost threw out. It's an amazing feeling to be starting out from scratch again. No one knows me anymore, no one expects anything of me, you won't find my name on the NCAA website predicting my race times. No, what I'm back to is "We'll just have to wait to find out if I am fast or not..." And that's the way I like it. That's when I feel free, and when I feel free is when I run fast. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning some huge dramatic comeback, but I am excited at the prospect of making a slow but successful comeback. I don't need to be hitting some kind of insane time or getting my pro card. I just want to win a little money here and there to help support my rent  and maybe join a team so I can get discounted shoes.

I'm also excited that these things have a direction again. I'm not just working out for the heck of it. I've started legitimately looking for races to run, and legitimately think about training. It's just a start of course, but it's, I think, a good step from where I'd been.

How? you may ask did I conquer my earnest hatred of running?
1. Run on trails
2. Run at night
4. Run early in the morning
5. Run during a thunderstorm
6. Don't feel that you have to run every day
7. Run strides barefoot through sprinklers
8. Run fast....run slow
9. Stop during the middle of a run and dance to something on your ipod
10. Remember that it's all about loving running

That said I have epic biking adventure #2 today, trying to conquer 110 miles, so for me there won't be any running today.

Random Fact Friday!

"You're going to come across people in life who say all of the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words that matter"

1. I couldn't do this post (or any other post for that matter) last week because my internet box broke and I had to wait for a new one :(

2. Sometimes after work I have to use de-greaser soap instead of body wash.

3. Having two jobs (bike store and forensic psychology internship) is keeping me balanced and keeping me from getting to sick of either one.

4. I did my first hill workout on a bike yesterday. Almost died. It was the biggest hill I've ever seen in my entire life. I was reduced to 5mph by about the middle of the hill. But that said, I did it three times.

5. My go-to band to listen to is Jack's Mannequin. He has a song applicable to anything and everything I'm going through at any given time. I also really like country music though. It makes me happy.

6. For the very first time in a long time I'm getting and itch to *gasp* run a race. shhh don't tell anyone. But I have been looking into a couple of duathalons around the area, some tris and some 5ks. Oh AND I met a professional triathlete yesterday who wandered into my store to stock up on Gu (we have the same favorite flavor) and she and I actually talked about my potential career....deep breath.

7. My parents think that trying to become a semi-pro triathlete would be a waste of time in comparison to perusing my PsyD. I think both would be nice.

8. I like soda. Diet soda anyways....I wouldn't drink regular. My body would probably die from that much sugar.

9. My roommate and I are contemplating getting a cat. I'm kind of allergic to cats so this should be interesting. But I really want a pet so I don't care haha.

10. Now that I work at a bike store I feel like my mechanical ability should translate into every day life...I feel like I should be able to build/fix things. Oftentimes this is not true. But I try anyways. This week I've been working on fixing up an old desk that my great grandfather built in the 50's or something. I think it looks much better.

11. I have excellent intuition about people.

12. One of my goals for the summer is to read a book a week. The only problem is that books are expensive.

13. I used to think that my biggest fear was failure. However, lately with all of the decisions I've been having to make and all of the things I've been stressed out about I think that my biggest fear is making a mistake with my life. or making a decision that I'll later regret. Instead of doing what I want or what I feel I can't make any decisions without looking a gazillion years in the future and deciding if this moment will make me happy in 50 years. Its an extremely irritating trait.

14. My quads are quite seriously getting out of control. Stupid 100  mile bike rides. :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Money vs. Speed

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. - Clare Boothe Luce

Well, it's happened. I've found something that I don't like about my new BEST JOB EVER. I didn't think that there was anything about working in a bike shop that I didn't love. I loved cleaning the bikes, looking at the bikes, talking about bikes, selling bikes. But the thing that I don't like is the money involved in biking. 


Here's the thing. I'm a relatively simple person. For me, extravagant spending is not getting peanut butter on sale or forgetting my coupons at home or shopping at the mall instead of a thrift store. My bike, while nice wasn't terribly expensive. O.K. let's face it: I'm poor. Graduate school is running me a whopping $31,500 per YEAR. I'm not even poor, I'm broke. 


So unfortunately at the best job ever, my co-workers make fun of people who don't have $150 pedals with $400 biking shoes, full carbon bicycles ($2,000)and GPS watches($499). I...do not have anything close to all of that. I know it's all in jest coming from them and that they do love me despite by $80 biking shoes, and cheap pedals and sale-priced shorts. But it still brings to light something interesting in the sport of bicycling. 


In NO OTHER sport in the world (besides golf maybe) does wealth equal talent. You can't buy your way onto a professional football team with an expensive helmet, you don't get to play soccer in the Olympics if your cleats cost more than 3 months worth of rent, and of course, you don't win marathons by being rich. period. 

However, in bicycling people seem to be under the impression that the more expensive bike/shoes/pedals/carbon/helmet/waterbottle cage they own the better and FASTER they will be. To a point, I suppose all of this is true. A lighter bike with $1200 wheels (I KNOW) will make it easier for you to drag your butt up hills. But you know what? If these people don't spend more miles ON said bike than the dollars they put into it, it's not going to add up to much. 

I have literally seen people who I doubt can ride more than 10 miles at a time drop thousands of dollars on a full carbon bike that is probably going to sit in their garage for a majority of the year. 

Don't you think...that if a person really deserved a $4,000 bicycle that they would be going pro and not in the position to buy it for themselves anyways? Exactly. If you're good enough you don't have to buy your own running shoes, your own football helmet, your own baseball bat. If no one is offering to drop that kind of cash on a bike for you perhaps it means that you are not fast enough to be riding it. 

I don't care if a bike weighs 5lbs less than mine and was 5 times more expensive. I spend 5 more hours a day on mine. 

I'm not necessarily a fast biker or blessed with some sort of bicycling talent. But I will tell you this. What bicycling requires is not thousands of dollars on equipment. What it takes is dedication and admiration of the sport of bicycling. It's far more important to be in tune with your bicycle, how it handles hills and bumps and what gears it likes the best and how the two of you can get over 40mph together. I believe on any given day my bike and I can beat one twice as expensive. 

I don't know what other people are like but I will tell you this. I sleep with my bike in my room. I take care of it as best as I can afford to. I make sure that it'll never get stolen, or broken, or wear out. THAT my friends, is dedication. 

Bicycling should be about happiness. Not money. Biking...should be about being free.  

Look At Your Legs

"It is in all of us to defy expectations, to go into the world and be brave, and to want, to need, to hunger for an adventure, to embrace, chance, and change and risk so that we may be breathe and know what it is like to be free."

A 100 Mile Journey
and some serious love to my quads. 


It was always my intention this summer to do a century ride. I had picked out one or two charity events that I thought would be fun, by the time I thought I would be ready. What I never thought I'd be doing is doing spur of the moment century rides.

And then I got this job with all of these people that bike. I was shocked when I told them of my plans and the conversation went something like this:
Me: "I was planning on doing a century ride this summer"
Crazy Biking People: "Oh....haven't you ever done one before?"
Me: "Well no....I was looking for a good ride to do but I couldn't decide."
CBP: "No...I mean haven't you ever just gone out on a free Saturday and done 100 by yourself?"
Me: ".........no?"

They couldn't believe that for my first century I was going to pay. So...on Thursday I set out at 8 in the morning with one of my crazy biking co-workers and we biked for about 7 hours (including food and bathroom stops).
Now I know what you're thinking. And yes. It is crazy to decide on a Thursday morning that because you have nothing better to do that you should go biking all day.

We rode right through the half-century mark right around 3 hours. I was a little nervous at the prospect of only being halfway done after a length that is what most of my rides are. I had previously considered anything over 50 an accomplishment. Now we were doubling it.

After 52 we climbed one of the only true mountains we have in Wisconsin known as Lapham's Peak. As the story goes Mr. Lapham used to climb to the top of this crazy hill in order to get the most up-to-date weather forecast because you can see so far. Unfortunately we were not climbing for the weather, but just for the workout. Halfway through, as I was struggling I was ahem complaining a tiny, tiny bit and being just a tiny tiny bit angry that he made this part of our loop after 50 miles. (people get a little cranky after beinng stuck on a bike for 3.5 hours.) He turns to me and says "You're small. You should be a better climber than me. You should be pulling me up this hill. Whenever you get scared of a climb, just look down at those legs. They're going to get you up there" And with that, I looked down at my quads (which are...giant by the way) and I climbed my little self the rest of the way up the mountain. Oh...and going down said mountain at almost 40 miles/hour. So worth the climb.

Luckily, after that hard climb it was decided that we needed a break. We took the next 10 miles to ride to a grocery store and pick up some ice cream and yogurt ( Hammer Gels and bananas can only get you so far people.) I was introduced by my vegan co-worker to coconut milk ice cream. Which is...really good by the way.

By this point we're almost to 70 and I'm really excited that out of 100 miles I only have 30 to go..which should be nothing. We took the last 30 and wandered around the cities surrounding Milwaukee discovering new bike trails and seeing if we could get lost within the last 20. We separated at 98 to go back to our respective apartments and I finished the last 2 miles on my own until my speedometer read 100.14 miles.

I went back to my apartment and ate for 10 minutes or so and then laid on the floor for pretty much the remainder of the night.  My apartment has a pool so I sat in there for awhile to try and get my body temperature down and get things under control.

My legs weren't actually that sore the next day for some reason, which leads me to the actual point of this post....more body-loving  I sometimes hate that my legs are so big and that biking has made my quads manly-sized. However they really got me through some long and tough miles and for that I love them and can't hold against them how giant they are. I realized that every time I get upset about my body not working/looking the way I want it to, all I really need to do is look at my legs. And to look at them is the answer. I am strong,and they are beautiful, and they will carry me over hills and through life. So here's to you muscular legs, thanks for 100 wonderful miles. Let's do it again sometime.

RFF

"Be thankful everyday for the life you've been given"

1. I love spicy foods.

2. Spicy foods give me heartburn.

3. I eat at least 2 bananas a day.

4. At least 4 if I go on a bike ride over 3 hours.

5. I'm obsessed with nature pictures.

6. I moved into a new apartment this week and I'm in love with it. I thought living away from my parents in my own place would be scary but it's actually quite awesome.

7. I hate folding laundry.

8. If I pin something on Pinterst I feel obligated to do it.

9. Most of the furniture in my apartment is from rummage sales.

10. I did my first century ride on Thursday (more on this later)

Sorry it's short this week. I've been working alot at THE BEST JOB EVER and with the gazillion miles of cycling I've been doing and the moving it's been stressful. Happy Memorial day weekend everyone.

How Biking Saved My Life

You never have the wind with you -- either it is against you or you're having a good day. ~ Daniel Behrman


Running may have been my life, but it's bicycling that saved it.
 (this is a little heavy towards the end. prepare yourself, and grab a coffee...maybe a beer ...and brace yourself for some introspective honesty)


Riding a bike can be scary. It's scary to weave in and out of traffic. It can be scary in the wind. It can be scary downhill. You see, when the wind is behind you and you're speeding downhill at 40mph the only thing standing in between you and certain death (or broken collar bone) is a helmet. I bet you're wishing that you would have splurged for that $70 helmet instead of the $30 one now huh?


It seems strange that biking is the thing that would save lives. Traditionally it puts them in danger more often than not. But still, the title of this post remains, as does my statement that bicycling saved my life. All that I have, and all that I will become I owe to a 2011 Trek Lexa. 


I wasn't in a good place when I started cycling this winter. Let's be honest, I started biking way back in February out of depression. I was desperate to get outside and exercise again. I didn't really do it because I enjoyed biking, but because I missed running. I had hoped originally that biking would be the next best thing. 


What I ended up finding, was a sense of freedom in those next few miles, and more importantly, a sense of peace. Peace with the world, but also within myself. I was wrong, biking didn't make up for not running. But now I know that that's a good thing.It's everything that running was not. I'm happier right now than I have been in a long time. Happier, may not even be the right term. It's more of a peacefulness. There are still those bad days that everyone has. I still cry. Heck, I still cry over running. I'm by no means happy all the time only because of bicycling. But because of it I'm more at peace with myself and I know that even when I'm not happy the time will come when I will be again. I always thought that I could solve life's problems over a 10 mile run. The truth is that 10 mile runs have nothing on 5 hour bike rides. I don't feel lonely biking by myself for 5 hours like you would think. It gives me time to sort through my problems and gets me away from civilization in a way that running never did. 


I now notice how beautiful life is and how beautiful the scenery is. How great it is to  be outside for hours at a time. It gives me a sense of connectedness with nature and brings me closer to God himself. 


But all of that, is not actually the point to all of this. Those are ways biking improved my life, but not how it saved it. 


I still love running.
Running, for everything that it meant to me, for as much I loved it, was also a destructive love at times. As much as I loved running, it made me hate myself far more often than it made me happy with myself. I was never good enough, never fast enough, never strong enough. Never ever enough anything. Most of all, because I was never enough I believed I needed to change myself. I was willing to do whatever it took to make me good enough. To be perfect. My perfectionism and compulsive tenancies "ran away" with my running obsession and together the two strove to destroy me from the inside out. 


What I felt I needed to be "perfect" for running was far beyond normal desire to be "fit" for your sport. It went beyond caring about being healthy or wanted to be more fit in order to perform better. As with everything I do, I did it well. I ran myself ragged until I literally fell apart. I pushed myself to the breaking point, and eventually I did break. And you know what? After all of that, after everything I went through, I still looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. In the end it wasn't even worth it. In the end, it didn't even have anything to do with running. 



Riding to find the light....
 The thing about biking for 5 hours at a time (Or 6) (Or 7 )is that you can't do it unless you take proper care of yourself. Look at it this way: If you don't drink you're going to get a cramp. If you don't have enough electrolytes you're going to get a cramp. If you don't have enough potassium you're going to get a cramp. It's not like you can exercise for 6 hours at a time on guts and fumes alone. You have to eat. You have to take care of yourself. I've had rides where I forget to bring food and by the end my 19mph average is reduced to 16 because my legs refuse to go without the proper nutrition. If you're going to make it, you're going to have to have a GU at least every couple of hours and a sports drink to replace what you're losing. It's one thing to have your body shut down on a run when, at most, you're 6 or 7 miles away from your house. Worst case scenario you have a long, humiliating walk. It's quite another thing to have your legs quit on you 35 miles away in the middle of nowhere. Let's be serious, it's a little different asking someone to come and rescue you when you're 5 miles away compared to when you're 35 miles away. The latter would probably require you to even pay them for gas. That, and then your ride is cut short. Biking has helped me to eat clean and be focused on what food can do for my body, what's good fuel and what's garbage. The focus isn't on appearance anymore but what's good for you.


Riding taught me to love my body for what it can do, and not what it looks like. How many other people can go out and ride at 18mph average for 5 hours because they want to. It's not exactly what everyone would do with 5 free hours on a Saturday afternoon. But I can. I'm not ashamed of the big quadriceps that I used to despise. Not even when I was running 50 miles a week did my legs look this strong. But mostly I love them because they've given me a much, much better gift than looking good. I know that once I hit mile 50 and I don't want to go back yet they'll thank me for taking care of them by carrying me another 10, 20, 50. And in return for those long rides which make me so happy, I continue to reward my legs with bananas and peanut butter and electrolytes. 


Biking for me is not about exercise. It's about finding peace and being thankful and doing some serious soul searching. I like to think of each ride as one giant thank-you letter for my life and for my ability. I don't ride 75+ miles to exercise or because I have to or because I'm in strict training or because someone's making me or because I feel like the athletic world expects it of me. I do it because I can.


So you see, sometimes in the search for yourself you have to ride pretty far. It's best to make sure you bring a snack, and never, ever forget to love life, and your quads, along the way. 

Random Fact Friday

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different"

1. I have a $50 bike light for when I ride home in the dark. I also use it for a flashlight to wander around my apartment in the dark at night.

2. I'm so so so excited to decorate my new apartment. 

3. I feel more athletic when the veins in my arms stick out. 

4. The people at my job make fun of each other for eating animal products like honey. I get hardcore made fun of for eating  yogurt (because WHO would want to eat the spoiled breastmilk of a different species...?) God forbid anyone talks of eating meat.
4 1/2. We also make fun of people who drive cars. 

5. Missing running was awful. Not missing it, was much worse. This is still a touchy subject for me, even though it's a little bit better.

6. I always sleep with my windows open. (just a crack if it's cold) But there's something soothing about hearing nighttime noises.


7 . I fell in love with a bike at work. I spend about 25% of my work day staring at it. 

 Most gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my life. Please excuse me as I wipe my drool off of the         floor.


8. Long bike ride? (or run or whatever it is that you do to workout) Might I suggest peanut butter flavored gu on a banana? yuuuum. Or my newest discovery GU in a tortilla. 


9. When I broke my foot I packed away all of my running medals and trophies and other miscellaneous awards. All that's left on display are my numbers. 


10.  Every once in awhile when I'm sitting somewhere I still double check to make sure I don't have crutches under my seat. I know it's weird. 


11.  I think having finals is stupid. It's the last week of school. Either you know it or you don't. Having 6 tests in one week to "test" students' knowledge is idiotic. 


12. I hate malls. In fact I hate anything that has to do with shopping that is not a bike store, an organic food store or a thrift store. Cooperate America scares me. If I happen get rich someday that money is being sent to a country far, far, away to someone who needs it. (after I buy a horse obviously)


13. I graduate from college...tomorrow. Holy. Crap. 


14. The longest bike ride I've ever done was 75 miles and it was this week on Monday. I felt epic. I couldn't walk. I did 76 on Wednesday. Next week a co-worker and I are planning a century. 


15. I have one deodorant and body spray for every bag/purse/gym bag/backpack I own. I have a fear of ever having  B.O. I also sometimes don't have to shower as many times per day as I workout. This is a deadly combination in the body odor department.


16. My favorite professor got me a plant and a card for graduation :)


17. My roommate and I are discussing getting a kitten 


18. Batman was my favorite cartoon when I was 7 years old. 


19. I have two great personality flaws. One is that I fear confrontation. Like, irrationally fear it. The other is that I'm extremely indecisive. I'm terrified of making the "wrong"decision. 


20. I'm going to make my kids do their own laundry someday. I am not going to make them pay for college however.


21. I like chopsticks better than forks.


22. I'm currently boycotting make-up. 


23.  Oh......I got into another Psy.D. program this week that originally had wait listed me. I should be ecstatic. But really, I'm just panicking about what to do all over again. 


24. I finished my last final (a paper) at 5am Wednesday morning. It's the only time in four years that I've ever procrastinated an assignment. 


25. I like big sunglasses. 


Annnnnnd not so random...next time I write I'll be a college graduate. Oh how time flies, how things can completely change in only 4 short years. I graduate with two majors, two conference titles, a trip to nationals, 3 graduate school acceptances (two to Ph.D. programs), and no regrets. 


Have a margarita for me in honor of my graduation. Happy weekend!

I'd Rather Be (Not) Running

"Never let success get to your head. Never let failure get to your heart."


Dear self,
After all of these months, thinking about nothing but running, why don't you want to do it? Why after everything we've gone through, all of the tears we've cried over running why after all of that can't you bring yourself to go on a stupid 15 minute run?
Extremely frustrated,
You

As I mentioned before in Saturday's post I'm having some trouble running. Not trouble like I'm hurt or that my stride is off or my legs are tired. Trouble as in for the first time in my life...I don't want to run.

I've wanted to run my whole life. Since I was in kindergarten and the most popular game in my class was known as "boys chase girls" I've loved to run. Needless to say I was never caught by a boy and from there on in discovered I had a wonderful gift.They stopped chasing me. As we got older I'd challenge anyone and everyone to a race across the playground when the bell rang to signify the end of recess. People stopped racing me. I kept running. I begged to play midfield in soccer so that I could run across the field the most. I won every game that included running such as tag, ghost in the graveyard, kick the can. I never lost, I never stopped running.

I ran my way to winning gradeschool races, high school races, and finally college races. I ran my way to awards and nationals and away from anything in life I didn't want to deal with. I ran through sadness and injuries and life. I never questioned running. Never until now. I don't know what happened. Or how. All I know is that I don't want to go running. Realizing this makes me want to cry, but it doesn't make me want to run. I'm sad for myself, my training partners, my teammates. But not sad enough to run. I miss it more than I've missed anything ever, I feel a sense of longing when I think about those 10 mile runs that used to grant me such joy, but for some reason I don't miss it enough to want to run. I'm so mad at myself for feeling this way. Not mad enough to want to run.

Last Wednesday I woke up and all I wanted to do was run. I set off at a 6:40 clip for 16 minutes in a torrential downpour. I came home exhilarated and in love with how my body felt to let go again and run. And then an hour later the feeling went away and didn't return. I'd rather do anything right now instead of run. Rather ride, walk, swim, elliptical, pack, brush my teeth, clean my apartment....you get it.

I don't know what happened or how. I don't know what mechanism in my brain turned off and made the person that was a crazy little runner girl go away. But something's missing.

Getting hurt, was devastating. It hurt more of me than just my foot. I worked my way through the stages of sadness. First was the initial shock and denial. I didn't believe this had happened. I figured I'd be back by track season. Next the anger, next the extreme bottomless depression, followed by slow recovery. Next was working through it and putting reason and logic into all that had happened. I reached the acceptance level. It sucked, but I was O.K. I understood.  I found hope. I started running. And then I regressed. What I think I never quite worked all the way through was the anger. Some of it at myself, some of it at running itself. Somewhere in this entire mess I didn't completely forgive what had happened. I haven't completely forgiven myself, but I haven't completely forgiven running. I know it sounds strange that I need to "forgive" running, my one and only passion in life for betraying me, but I do. And I can't. I can't get over that anger, and I can't run until I stop being angry at running. No. I don't know where this came from, only that I wish it would go away.

One of Those Weeks

"Sometimes all it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage."


It's been one of those weeks. You know where thing after thing after thing piles up and finally you're so burdened that you collapse. This week was already hard because I started THE BEST JOB EVER (but I'll get to that in a few paragraphs.) Anyways at THE BEST JOB EVER they apparently love me, so even though it was only my first 4 days thus far I have already worked 20 hours. Yeah. It's awesome, but it's stressful trying to balance that with school-apartment hunting-swimming-biking-running-ellipticalling-yoga-track practice-friends-family.Well...you get the idea. 


Then at the end of this week one of my closest friends suffered a very great loss...which by the way was the reason there were no silly, random facts on Friday. I wasn't really in a silly or random mood. Being with her seemed a bit more prevalent. I chose to spend Friday mourning with my friend.


And on top of that, this was my last week of undergraduate schooling. For four years I talked of nothing but graduate school and getting out of regular college and the future. But the future is now and now that it's here, it's a bit more scary than I had originally imagined. I'm basically leaving home as I've known it for four years. I'm leaving everyone I love and everything I had loved.

In addition, I had to get a job for this summer. This is what I mentioned before as THE BEST JOB EVER. I work at a bike store. Never before have I had a job where I've immediately gotten along with and gotten accepted by all of the people who already work there. It's like we're all so similar. Most of them are some combination of vegan/vegetarian. They all love biking and think nothing of riding 80 miles just for the heck of it. We compare bicycling tan lines and our conversations revolve around professional athleticism, nutrition, and the  best roads to bike in the country. It's also the one place that I can go in the world that I don't miss running. Because running isn't important, only biking. Running is only mentioned as that thing that you have to do after you get off of a bike during a triathlon.

Speaking of running-that's been a problem this week as well. I'm not sure what happened with this. At the beginning of this whole "coming back thing" I got excited for my little 8 minute runs and my whole day revolved around those walk/runs I got to do. But all of a sudden, it just went away. I haven't run in like 3 days. I didn't even notice until today when I realized I hadn't run in a couple of days. I then thought about going on a 15 minute run, but then I chose to elliptical instead, because I didn't feel like it. I don't remember the last time that I made my own decision not to run. It was a scary realization actually. I think the last time I ran was Wednesday morning. Technically I could have gone Friday, but I didn't. Again I could have gone today, but I didn't. I biked. I ellipticalled. But I didn't run.

Oh. But I DID find a place to life. Check one for monthly goals.

Lots of random thoughts in no particular order. This is a more in depth sort of randomness.

Hope you're having a good weekend.

Random Friday

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."

1. I want a swing in my house someday. No, not in my backyard. IN my house.

2. I frequently get rugburn on my back from doing ab workouts or yoga poses on the carpet. Not sure what I did yesterday, but today my abs hurt every time I move. Yay 6-pack!

3. If I had one wish, I'd wish that everyone in the world could realize how wonderful life is.

4. I hate spending money. Spending anything over 30 gives me a mini panic attack.

5. I got a job this week. Now I need an apartment!

6. Radishes are the only veggies that I don't like.

7. I've been practicing walking around in the high heels I'm going to wear for graduation, so that when the day comes I don't trip going up the stage. I ran into Starbucks this morning in them. I felt victorious for not falling on my face. Before the breaking of the foot I could run faster in 3-inch heels than some people can in running shoes.

8. Lately I've been eating more vegan organic peanut butter than I should be. But it's sooooo good.

9. When I was younger I thought I would've made a really good Native American. I still think this.

10. Achilles is still acting up. Time for a day off :(

11. (Not counting running shorts), I prefer dresses and skirts to shorts. I mean seriously? Tight jean shorts? Who ever thought that was a good idea?

12. I can make any recipe into vegan or vegetarian. It's a special talent.

13. I love shopping at thrift stores.

14. I like alternative rock. And not much else.

15. My dreams always have meaning.

16.  Someday I want to live in the country. There WILL be running trails in my backyard.

17.  I'm too independent for my own good. I like to think that I don't need anyone for anything ever.

18.  I drink coffee when I'm upset, not necessarily when I'm tired. I think it's because when I was younger and I was upset about anything my mom would always take me out for coffee  or make a pot and we would talk. To this day I feel like drinking coffee makes me feel slightly better. A secret way to tell if anything is bothering me is by the size of my coffee. Oh...yes...I gave up on giving it up. But I try not to drink as much as I used to for my bones' sake.

19. Oatmeal is currently my favorite food. Whenever I'm going through a "favorite" food phase it's really hard for me to resist eating it for every single meal. (oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner anyone?)
(sidenote: Oatmeal + sweetener + coco powder + peanut butter+ cinnamon =  best thing EVER) (besides that I've made pb+j oatmeal, carrot cake oatmeal, pumpkin spice oatmeal, apple cinnamon oatmeal, peanut butter banana nut  oatmeal)

20. My favorite on-the-bike pick me up is flattened diet coke.





Have a great weekend everyone! Make sure you do something exciting enough to tell a story about on Monday!

Leap of Faith

"No one looks back on their life and remembers that night they got lots of sleep."


Leaving. Leaving will be hard. But staying isn't really an option. Staying in college, isn't one of my choices. I look to my right and see my  cap and gown hanging in my closet. I haven't started packing. And in two weeks: I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life. There are thousands of options. And staying here, unfortunately is not an option. I can go in fact, anywhere but here. 


When I came to college I swore I wouldn't change. And there's some truth to that. I'm still me, I haven't changed who I am. But there are aspects that have drastically changed. I'd like to think that they've changed for the better but that's not really for me to judge, moreso for others. The thing about college, and growing up, is that just when it seems you've gotten everything together it's time to move. I came to college to learn about life and myself and psychology. After everything that I've gone through, the person that I've grown into, having the right people in my life, and the right direction to go along with it. Just when I got everything together, I have to change my entire life. I don't even have a place to live come May 19th. 


In the past four years I can remember the best days of my life alongside the worst side by side. None of these memories are worse than the other. I believe that I am equally thankful for both of them. Remember, the struggles are just as important as the victories. 


But still, I can't imagine my life without my teammates. I can't imagine taking classes with a professor that I don't know or trust. I can't imagine living anywhere that's not on WLC's campus in the safety that I've grown accustomed to. It's scary to realize that for the first time in my life I'll be completely alone. Oh, and completely broke at the same time. Kind of a fatal combination if you ask me. Who, I ask you, will kill the bugs in my apartment? Who will I spend my nights hanging out with. I'm the only one who's planning her life around more schooling. My friends are divided up into two main categories. Category one is the "I must get out of here" category. These are the people who are moving back home whether that be an hour south or across the country. These are the category of job hunters who are looking for an actual career and will be going to wherever they find that. Category number two are the wives. These are my friends who are are getting married and will be moving in with their husbands as soon as said wedding happens. So they can't stay here either. I don't belong in either of these categories, and there aren't a lot of other people in the "I just signed up for 5 more years of school" group. In so many ways, I'm on my own. 


Don't get my somewhat depressing musings wrong. I'm not sad, nor have I ever for one second regretted my decision. I know it's time to get out on my own, to move forward, and to get a Psy.D. 


It's just that the initial jump out of the nest can be scary for the bird that's never flown before. 


And to take that leap requires great faith. I'm not quite sure I have that much faith in myself yet. I KNOW that's the greatest sign that I need to move out and move on. But still, it would be nice to have some sort of reassurance before I go that I won't end up living in a cardboard box on the side of the road. 


But wait......there's more. 


There is one more thing to be exact. The running thing. I have to take a leap of faith there. It's time to stop being afraid. It's time to stop running around saying things like " My foot's broken" and "I can't run because my foot will break". I do not know when the day will come when I'll be ready to race again. It may be in a month, it may be in a year. I have to focus so much right now on just getting healthy that racing and being competitive just aren't options. But in the same breath all of this work, all of my experiences, can't have been for nothing. There has to be a reason. When I say that thousands of things pop into my mind. What exactly will come out of it? Winning rent money by running road races? A partial sponsorship in a triathlon? I don't know. What I do know, it that I'm going to have to take a jump, and as scary as it's all going to be, it's just going to force me to fly. 

May Flowers and Goals.

"Don't give up on me, I'm about to come alive" -Train


It has been an extremely profound month for me. I can't remember ever having grown so much  in my life as I did this month. Sure, as always it came with it's portion of burdens and hardships but at the same time I got more wonderful things out of it. It was again, a game of give and take, taking the good with the bad, all in stride. 


Here's a look back at April

1. Call your grad school. Tell them you're coming. For sure.  Done and done. Hello Wisconsin School of Professional Psychology. 

2. First warm day bike 70 miles. April 15th. 

3. Start eating super, super healthy Doing pretty well, not sure I should cross it off though.

4. Go to more yoga classes. 300 miles/week of cycling demands this Fail. I haven't gone to any. I'm currently paying for it with the biggest cramp my calf has ever seen. 

5. Speaking of cycling....weather permitting 350 mile week. Weather permitting. exactly. Stupid April. 

6. I turn 22 on April 2nd. Since I turned 21 I have never purchased for myself an alcoholic beverage. Go to a bar and do this! Not. I'm a baby what can I say. 

7. Cook all of the vegetarian dishes I pinned in pinterest. (this is also code for don't eat any meat, work on becoming a full time vegetarian) Haven't eaten any meat in a month!

8. Try to swim at least 1 day per week. Ummmm I swam like once.

9. Run Run Run Run! I should be cleared by April 18th!  Done and conquered

10. Don't be afraid to go running.  :)


Apparently I didn't do the best with some of these. haha. But I do feel like I accomplished the important ones (ahem...RUNNING!). Getting cleared was a big step for me this month. But getting clear-headed was an even bigger step for me. I've slowly but surely been making peace with the world now that I'm able to run again. Letting go of all of my anger and resentment of this injury and getting back on track, learning to love both life and running in moderation. Slowly, I've allowed running, and thoughts of running back into my life. 


So what's next?
May


1. Start running regularly. Slowly inch yourself back into the swing of things. You can do it!


2. THIS MONTH: at least one 350 mile week. 


3. Stretch nonstop. stretch stretch stretch. no more achilles issues. 


4. Keep with vegetarianism keep focusing on protein though too. 


5. Start swimming more. Its good for you!


6. 80 mile ride anyone?


7. Find a job. And an apartment. ugh


8. Graduate from college.


These are pretty hefty goals so I'm just going to leave it there for now. I pray that I continue to live and learn and grow and conquer. I have a lot of big big changes coming up. But change makes life that much more adventurous. 



Adversity: Conquer it.